Saturday, December 15, 2007

oh, really

From the local "news" tonight:

"The computer models are in disagreement over how much rain we will get on Wednesday."

So what the phokk good are they?

Smiff's prediction: seeing as it's Friday, your "forecast" is totally worthless and the computer "models" should be printed out and used for terlet paper. And thanks for wasting everyone's time.

Fungai shut out again

Top Baby Names for 2007 - sounds very whitey...

1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Emma
4. Madison (slut)
5. Ava

1. Aiden (3rd year in a row - now dat's retarded)
2. Ethan
3. Jacob
4. Jayden (i will never like anyone named Jayden)
5. Caden (huh?)

What's with the -en ending names? This is a trend signaling the further, gradual idiocracy of America.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Finally, some good news

Does this mean we can start using the money to pay for reconstruction? And for keeping our boys there? And Blackwater's? And Halliburton's?

Iraqi oil exceeds pre-war output

Better (decades) late than never

Christmas card arrives 93 years late

OBERLIN, Kansas (AP) -- A postcard featuring a color drawing of Santa Claus and a young girl was mailed in 1914, but its journey was slower than Christmas. It just arrived in northwest Kansas.

The Christmas card was dated December 23, 1914, and mailed to Ethel Martin of Oberlin, apparently from her cousins in Alma, Nebraska.

It's a mystery where it spent most of the last century, Oberlin Postmaster Steve Schultz said.

"It's surprising that it never got thrown away," he said. "How someone found it, I don't know."

Ethel Martin is deceased, but Schultz said the post office wanted to get the card to a relative.

That's how the 93-year-old relic ended up with Bernice Martin, Ethel's sister-in-law. She said she believed the card had been found somewhere in Illinois.

"That's all we know," she said. "But it is kind of curious. We'd like to know how it got down there."

The card was placed inside another envelope with modern postage for the trip to Oberlin -- the one-cent postage of the early 20th century wouldn't have covered it, Martin said.

"We don't know much about it," she said. "But wherever they kept it, it was in perfect shape."

I would like to have a beer with Fred Thompson

From the Washington Post, 12/12/07:

His 87-year-old mother's advice persuaded him to reject the new intelligence report that Iran has suspended its nuclear program. "Remember whatcha mama told ya," he says. If somethin' appears to be too good to be true, it probably is." Is it possible to be too folksy? Thompson seems determined to find out.

Smiff and Gooch Stayin' Classy

Tadahito Iguchi's agent said Thursday that his client turned down several multi-year contract offers to sign with the Padres for one year and $4 million. Iguchi is said to have had a two-year offer to play second base for the Rockies and a three-year offer to play third base for the Phillies. Instead, he takes a one-year deal to play in the majors' most extreme pitcher's ballpark. Like Ron Burgundy, he must think that San Diego is a very classy place.

Thank You Rod, Richie, and Todd

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there

But St. Nick himself, plump and brimming with joy
Hit a snag on his last stop: Chicago, Illinois

For Rudolph the reindeer, whose nose led the way
Suddenly fell ill and could not guide the sleigh

Santa said "Well, just one option remains
I'll finish my route using CTA trains"

He gathered the reindeer and sack full of toys
To give to Chicagoland good girls and boys

And though well-equipped, CTA card in hand
He'd soon find their trip wouldn't go quite as planned

The train that they rode went from four tracks to one
And wouldn't move fast 'til construction was done

Right then, Santa's joy changed to derision
Saying "It'll take 3 damn hours to reach Clark and Division"

"We normally fly through the air with such speed
But this subway, it moves like a turtle on weed"

The seats were all dirty and beyond repairs
The reindeer stood in urine, which for once wasn't theirs

And Sally's new doll, it would just have to wait
Her Brown Line stop's closed until 2008!

Yes…Santa, he trudged and he slogged and he groaned
It seemed that his Doomsday would not be postponed

But he made a vow on that cold Christmas night
"I must do my job, and do the job right!"

He rode on that Red Line, and then on the Blue
Plus the 36 bus and the Clark 22

He rode on the Orange Line, rode on the Green
From O'Hare to East Side and all homes between

And despite the delays at a few of those places
He did all he could to put smiles on kids' faces

And when he was done, he sighed with relief
Though the trip had been rough, it was worth all the grief

He delivered those presents, he was true to his word
He looked at his watch… was January 3rd.

They all flew back home once Rudolph felt better
Mrs. Claus fetched his hubby hot tea and a sweater

Then St. Nick sat down in his favorite chair
And thought all about the entire affair

He hoped that the CTA would succeed
In getting their present: the funds that they need

And I heard him exclaim, as exclaiming's his habit
"Merry Christmas to All! Next time, f**k it, I'll cab it!!!!"

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Will, you dick...

Well, I've been catching up on the Mitchell Report - reading Will Carroll's chat wrap at Baseball Prospectus and there he goes, getting all wrapped up in his "Cult of Will" again - why put this question in the queue Will, if this is what you're going to say? Why not just move on to the next question?

I swear, this guy would just love to be running down the court room steps, tailored suit, briefcase, serious look...:

DrManhattan (NYC, NY): Will, did Mitchell's people ask to interview you in connection with the investigation?

Will Carroll: LOTS of questions on this. My answer, as it always has been, is that I have no comment.

Oh, fuck off Will.

LOTS of questions my ass. But enough of them are shining the toady knob, so he finally gives an "aw shucks guys" moment and puts it on the board:

MarkDuell (Columbus): During a quick glance at the report, I noticed you and your book were cited. I hope that means the whole report is as well researched as your book.

Will Carroll: Well, I guess that "no comment" won't stand now, eh?

No, I guess not, asshole. Maybe you can tell us what the set is like on ESPN again, or some Indianapolis FOX affiliate.

The End Times (previously)

True story: The day it snowed in San Diego.

December 13, 1967, is a day you can't forget – unless you weren't here. Then, it's a day you can't quite accept.
The dream came true 40 years ago this morning, when gale-force winds blew a Canadian cold front far, far off course. Across San Diego County, residents woke up to see the air shimmering with something cold, white and unfamiliar....

The low at Lindbergh Field was 38 degrees at 9:30 a.m. Snow pellets fell from 7:50 to 8:50 a.m.

more SHOCKING revelations!

Kevin Brown, Todd Hundley and John Rocker were named in the Mitchell Report.

Decker's doppelgänger BUSTED!

Former Mets clubhouse employee Kirk Radomski said that he sent multiple shipments of steroids to Eric Gagne between 1999 and 2004, including one package that was sent to Dodger Stadium. Radomski alleges that Paul Lo Duca purchased steroids on Gagne's behalf and recalls having direct contact with him just once, at which time they reportedly spoke about how to get the air out of a syringe. According to the Mitchell Report, the Red Sox had internal discussions about Gagne's past steroid usage before acquiring him in 2007, including an e-mail from general manager Theo Epstein that read: "Have you done any digging on Gagne? I know the Dodgers think he was a steroid guy."

It's about time the truth about this slimeball came out

Now all the "Old-school" whitey lovers can cut the crap about The Rocket doing it the right way.


He gone

Mark Prior and the Cubs are parting ways. How do you feel?
Sad -- I think he's ready to turn it around (2042 responses)
Happy -- Sick of waiting for this guy (1880 responses)
Angry -- I spent $120 on that No. 22 jersey (433 responses)
4355 total responses (Results not scientific, but idiotic)

our bountiful carbon assprint (cont'd)

Scientist: 'Arctic is screaming'

WASHINGTON (AP) -- An already relentless melting of the Arctic greatly accelerated this summer, a warning sign that some scientists worry could mean global warming has passed an ominous tipping point. One even speculated that summer sea ice would be gone in five years.

Hey Blackwater, Go Phokk Yourselves

Planning group ousted over Blackwater
EAST COUNTY – Five members of the Potrero, CA planning group were voted off the panel Tuesday night in a recall election that served as a symbolic referendum on a controversial training camp proposed by Blackwater Worldwide. The five incumbents all supported the proposed facility.

What does this even mean?

And who is the target audience? Like who is the target audience? Like 74 people in some part of Wisconsin that doesn't even have a name? Or is our Collective Chicago Love Of Sausage what they're counting on?

Goddamn, sausage and beer DO go well together. Ditka would like this. He would nod and say, "Yeah, sausage."

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Hey Kids: Merry Phokking Christmas!

Bush vetoes children's health insurance bill for second time

Food and sex don't mix

US man sues over condom in hamburger

Oh, Whitey

Someone (whitey) thought this was funny. I laughed at the concept, then started reading the fine print. Anyone who's heard the President knows he's very eloquent in whitey's language. He'd never make so many grammatical and spelling mistakes. Still, about 8,000 of these and the budget I linked to earlier is paid off. But this is what happens to your country when whitey doesn't like you. So take note (pun not intended)- let whitey own your land and keep supplying other whiteys with cheap agricultural and mineral goods. Or else...

Euro-trash (cont)

Brits declare Paris most pointless celeb

I woulda voted for their royals meself...


From Slate...

A genetic analysis suggests James Watson is 16 percent African. Watson's genome is publicly available here; a company analyzed it and concluded his genes are "what you would expect in someone who had a great-grandparent who was African." Watson previously said he was "inherently gloomy about the prospects for Africa" because "all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours—whereas all the testing says not really." Critics' reactions to the DNA test: 1) Oops—looks like "their" genes are "ours"! 2) Why the gloom? A part-African kid can even grow up to become James Watson. 3) This shows Watson has "black genes." 4) This shows race isn't genetic; it's a social construction. Cautions: 1) Current genome analyses are often inaccurate. 2) The real impact of this one will be to scare people about genetic privacy. Fine print: "9% of Watson's genes are likely to have come from an ancestor of Asian descent." (Related: Human Nature's summaries of the Watson uproar.)

Wonder how many more "darky haters" out there turn out to have "darky genes." I say we all get tested, so we can send the pure whiteys back to Europe, pure darkies back to Africa, Asia etc and keep all the mixed up people over here. And only the pure Native Americans get to have casinos. Here's to hoping there's some Portuguese ancestor in my family tree...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

[insert own joke here]

Kosuke Fukudome and the Cubs have reportedly agreed to a four-year, $50 million contract.

Hideki Matsui's numbers were better than this in Japan, and he's been--what?--a league average corner OF...

Here's a HYOOGE steaming pile...

MLB on Mitchell Report: "Nothing is more important to Commissioner Selig than the integrity of the game..."

Bears still in it!

In fact, everyone's still in it, though I guess this was before this weekend's games...

Bears not mathematically done yet
By Vaughn McClure Tribune staff reporter
4:38 PM CST, December 8, 2007

As crazy as it sounds, the Bears remain in the playoff conversation.

Go ahead. Shake your head in denial.

But an NFL spokesperson confirmed the Bears have not been mathematically eliminated. In fact, no team in the NFC had been eliminated as of Tuesday, including three, 3-9 teams.
Of course, that's likely to change with Sunday's games. And the Bears have to win their final three games. The odds are against them.

According to the Elias Sports Bureau (buncha liars, damned liars, statisticians), no 5-8 team has made the playoffs under the new format, dating back to 1990. Seven teams that finished 8-8 though have made the playoffs, most recently last season's New York Giants.

Mark Myers of—a site that analyzes such numbers—and probably wrote this article-figures the Bears will have a 1.27 percent shot at a wild-card berth if Dallas, Seattle and San Francisco win this coming weekend. Then, if the Bears win out, their chances would increase to 16.25 percent.

The tiniest bit of opportunity has at least one Bear optimistic.

"We win these last three, and everybody else keeps losing, we do have a shot," cornerback Charles (peanuts for brains) Tillman said.

My embellishments in italics.

The Huckster vs. Rudy 9/11

Last week, Rudy's revelations placed him ahead of Huckabee as the Slimiest Republican Candidate (non-Tancredo division). But The Huckster seems to have pulled ahead this week, what with the many ridiculous things he's said in the past which no one cared about before he took the lead in Iowa polling:

Mike Huckabee in a speech to pastors in 1998:

"I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ."

Does the Southern Baptist convention state that Jesus was an American? Can someone check dat? And how does one exactly answer a clock? However, we do know this:

In August of 1998, Huckabee was one of 131 signatories to a full page USA Today Ad which declared: “I affirm the statement on the family issued by the 1998 Southern Baptist Convention.” What was in the family statement from the SBC? “A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.” Read on…

(Mike Huckabee: Women Should Submit To Their Husbands)

Then there are his 1992 statements regarding AIDS:
"If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague."
"It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents."

Of course, the CDC determined in 1985 that AIDS could not be spread by casual contact.

On the other side, 9/11 said on Meet the Press on Sunday that a President's mistress should get Secret Service protection (i think he's speaking from experience here). He also said, "Nine eleven."

We're probably going to see how this plays out until the Iowa Caucus before declaring a winner...

NOW it's over

Bears give nod to Orton

LoC Members all over American Utopia

(1) Defending Negro
(4) S#i+ Blowing Up

Smiff out for revenge after last years final when all his players went on vacation because their teams were in the playoffs and wah wa wah wah wah. Fung trying to beat Smiff for the 3rd time this year and 4th in a row to make his 2nd straight final. So, we will have a repeat finalist...

(2) NFL Players Assoc.
(3) Bring on Orton

Sarge misses out on 1st seed by .25 of a point on Colston's last and irrelevant reception. He gets rewarded by taking on Corms, who he is 2-0 against this year, instead of Smiff, who he's 1-1 against. These teams battled it out for 7th place last year, with Corms coming out on top. So, two Cinderella stories, one gets to the ball, the other stays in the pumpkin...

Not featured: K-Mad (too sexy for Fantasy Football), Ranger (tanked), Corporal (s#i++ies+ team ever).

Monday, December 10, 2007

just another Bush incompetent

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino: "I know nothing about the Cuban Missile Crisis."

The Swiss aren't always neutral

Die elsewhere, Swiss ask suicidal

Can't even read right

Phone confusion after Bush error

end times continue...

It got down to 43 here last night.

How leaders really talk

Parental Warning - lotsa swears!

Huckabee: shockingly fullas#i+

Huckabee Denies He Ever Called For Quarantining AIDS Patients, Contradicts His Own Comments

Oh, it's on now...

EU increases pressure on Zimbabwe

President raps ‘gang of four’

Merkel’s remarks demonstrate fascist inclinations: Ndlovu

In summary:

EU - we want to help, but you must do this, and that, and the other
Africa - we aren't your colonies any more, don't tell us what to do. Send the money though

Result - nothing.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

what's been spinnin' in Smiff's iPod?

Adrian Belew: Lone Rhino
The Album Leaf: Seal Beach
Ambulance Ltd: LP
Battles: Mirrored
Ennio Morricone: Crime and Dissonance
Fairport Convention: Cropredy Festival '07
Henry Cow: Leg End
Jethro Tull: Heavy Horses
King Crimson: Beat
LCD Soundsystem: Sound of Silver
Madvillain: Madvillainy
Midlake: The Trials of Van Occupanther
Miles Davis: A Tribute to Jack Johnson
Muse: Black Holes & Revelations
The Police: Ghost in the Machine
Popul Vuh: Aguirre
Richard Thompson: Sweet Warrior
Robert Fripp: At the End of Time
Robert Fripp & Brian Eno: Beyond Even
Robert Wyatt: Comicopera
Roy Harper: Stormcock
Rush: Moving Pictures
Scott Walker: The Drift
Steve Earle: Just an American Boy
Sufjan Stevens: Songs for Christmas
Talk Talk: Laughing Stock
Tim Fite: Over the Counter Culture
Tori Amos: American Doll Posse
The Tubes: The Tubes
Van der Graaf Generator: Godbluff
Wire: Chairs Missing
ZZ Top: Tres Hombres


It is 47 degrees here.

nice knowing ya

I just heard thunder and saw lightning.