Saturday, September 1, 2007

works in reverse, too

The day Decker trades Clay Buchholz, he throws a no-hitter.

Ozzie tries a new tact

Clevelands 7
White Sux Zero Zilch Zed Zippo Nada Nothing None The Big Goose Egg

"I love deez fuckin' keeds. My family loves deez keeds. Mrs. Ozzie loves deez keeds. My keeds love deez keeds, especially Junior Ozzie. They play hard. Dere's no fuckin' quit in dem. They come out and fuckin' play. All nine fuckin' innings. And then, win or lose, okay, lose, they go back to the hotel. Or a bar. I mean, who wouldn't be drinkin' at a fuckin' time like this? Whether it's pitchin', hittin' or fieldin', we're not doing to well right now, but sometimes you just have to tip your fuckin' hat to the other fuckin' country cocksuckin' team--those fuckin' FUCKS!!--like it or not. But everybody associated with this organization have been winners their whole fuckin' life. Everybody. Except Brian Anderson. I hate dat fuckin' loser. And the credit is not given in that respect. Alright, we're 57 and 79...and unfortunately, that's the criteria of...everyone. But I tell you, it'll take more than a 57 and 79 to destroy the makeup of this fuckin' club. I guarantee you dat. There's some fuckin' pros out there that wanna win. It's a disheartening fuckin' situation that we're in right now. But we've got 26 games left! What I'm tryin' to say is don't rip them fuckin' guys out there. Rip me. If you wanna rip somebody, rip my fuckin' ass. But don't rip them fuckin' guys 'cause they're givin' everything they can give. And right now they're tryin' to do more than God gave 'em, and that's why we make the simple mistakes. That's exactly why."

End Times Have a Meaningless Parade of Assholes

They can all go fuck themselves. And people who go to these clubs hoping to get lucky with their CAMERA PHONES can go fuck themselves, and then go home and watch Heroes or something.

Celebrities Paid to Heat Up Vegas Clubs
RYAN NAKASHIMA and RAQUEL MARIA DILLON | September 1, 2007 12:38 AM EST | AP

LAS VEGAS — Three years ago, as Paris Hilton was about to turn 24, the celebutante got a sense of her worth to the nightclub industry in Las Vegas. She had celebrated her previous three birthdays at Light, the Bellagio hotel-casino nightclub run by the Light Group. But for her 24th, another company swooped in with an offer that trumped the standard private jet to and from L.A., a free stay at a luxury suite, a sumptuous dinner and, of course, free booze.

The hotel heiress would get a big paycheck _ Light was told $200,000 _ just to party, but it had to be at PURE, a rival nightclub at Caesars Palace run by the PURE Management Group.

Her people let the Light Group know that their former deal was off.

"We said, `OK, well listen, we're not here to tell you not to make money,'" said a former Light executive, who did not want to be identified talking about industry specifics.

Top News
Business: Barbara Ehrenreich: It's Not Easy Being Ultra-Rich
Living Now: Susannah Cotrone: Workout Tips: Get Fit In Five Minutes
Actual News: Greece is Burning the FUCK Up!
Actual News: The Government is Giving Assholes Free Money Because the Assholes Made Promises and Loans They Never Should Have Made
Actual News: Baghdad is Blowing the FUCK Up!
Actual News: Another Republican Caught Trying to Get Dick After Railing Against Getting Dick as a Threat to All that is Sacred
Actual News: The Earth is Dying Because People Are Making Money Off it's Death and We Do Not Hold Them Accountable

Anyway, on with it:

Celebrities often make appearances and walk the red carpet as part of the deal for coming to a nightclub. In return for generating media coverage, they receive all sorts of free goodies, if not cash. For nightclub operators, it has become the standard way of getting their establishments known.

Besides buzz, it generates more patrons, more people willing to pay a $30 cover charge, $15 for a cocktail and $500 for a bottle of name-brand vodka or champagne.

"If you quantify that in terms of the amount of press they got off it, the press they got off it was priceless," the former executive said.

This weekend, PURE is looking to re-create its formula with the opening of LAX and Noir nightclubs at the Luxor hotel-casino, with a grand-opening party Friday night hosted by Britney Spears. The company would not say how much it is paying her or whether Spears would perform.

A revamped club, Blush at the Wynn hotel-casino, also is hoping to cash in by opening Friday.

It's the start of a raucous couple of weeks that include Labor Day weekend and the MTV Video Music Awards _ events that will attract plenty of partiers and paparazzi.

PURE managing partner Steve Davidovici said rumors of celebrity payments are exaggerated, and pointed to reports the group paid $250,000 to Spears eight months ago to host PURE's New Year's Eve countdown.

"That's a lot of sour grapes from other nightclubs, I guess," Davidovici said, while giving a tour of LAX, a plush club that resembles a chic 1920s opera house. "It's a third of those prices."

Even at that, the appearance fee, which works out to about $83,000, was money well spent, he said. The club sold a table next to Spears that night for $50,000, and some 3,000 revelers spent $250 on tickets.

"If you look at (the celeb fee) from a monetary standpoint, it's significant, but not if you're taking in half a million dollars," he said.

PURE nightclub alone will generate about $53 million in revenue this year, while the company plans to gross more than $120 million from its 12 venues in Las Vegas and the Bahamas, he said.

On Tuesday, PURE nightclub hosted Paris Hilton and her sister, Nicky, as they unveiled new products from Nicky's clothing line. The club later gushed in a release that the sisters "danced their hearts out for the admiring onlookers" as "the two socialites stuck to the main VIP stage."

At LAX, the central focus of the theater-like layout is a raised dais of booths in front of the dance floor for "super VIPs and celebrities," Davidovici said.

"Britney will definitely be up there opening night," he said.

Industry observers say such celebrity-spotting is worth the price of admission.

"It's fun to be famous and rich. That's why people pay to get in and watch," said Lori Levine, the president of Flying Television, a talent-booking firm in New York.

"If you go to a club to see one of the `It' girls, you take a photo on your phone and you'll have a story to tell for the rest of the summer," she said.

The pay scale for celebrity ranges from free drinks to thousands of dollars.

NBA stars command appearance fees from $5,000 to $30,000 and models can broker $2,500 to $25,000 "depending on whether she's been in Victoria's Secret or Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue," said Ryan Schinman, president of the entertainment consulting firm Platinum Rye Entertainment.

In exchange, the stars are obliged to do little more than shine.

"Be (listed) on the invite, pose for some pictures and call it a day," Schinman said.

For Blush's second weekend, it is hosting a "gifting suite" for rockers getting ready to take the stage for the Sept. 9 MTV Video Music Awards. A list of up to 300 invitees includes Fergie, Nelly Furtado, Timbaland, 50 Cent, and U2.

Those who show up the day of the awards can get pampering from a barber and/or masseuse and will walk away with a gift bag stuffed with clothing, spa packages and jewelry.

"It's for them to come in, relax, enjoy themselves," said Blush marketing director Rosine Frangie, adding "there's going to be a small press wall (red carpet) inside."

Other than the requisite photo op, there are few rules for contracted talent appearances.

At Spears' New Year's Eve appearance at PURE, the new mother famously fell asleep around 1 a.m. and was helped out of the club, generating a barrage of scandalous Internet gossip.

Some said it didn't matter a whit.

"Clubs don't care about bad behavior," said Steve Striker, the founder of trip organizer Striker VIP. "It creates media, good hype or bad."

Light Group managing partner Andy Masi says his company doesn't pay for appearances but will supply jets, suites, dinners and drinks for celebrities on special nights such as club anniversaries _ with tabs often running into the thousands of dollars. The group generally makes celebrities pay when they visit on their own.

Masi said red carpets are set up for press when celebrities want to promote their own projects or for anniversary bashes when the club wants to show off who came.

But unscripted celebrity appearances at Light's 10 restaurants and clubs in Las Vegas can do a better job of generating interest, he said.

"Afterward, the buzz gets out. Someone you know, Leonardo DiCaprio, seen eating in STACK or Tobey Maguire seen at FIX restaurant or Kevin Connolly hanging out at Jet (nightclub)," he said. "That stuff comes out afterward, but we're not crafting the entire night and spending money to create that. It's just happening naturally."

Both Light and PURE say building relationships with the stars and giving them great service is key to getting them to return. Both approaches appear to be working.

Light is set to make from $90 million to $120 million in revenue this year, and is set to open four new venues and manage a hotel-condo tower in the new CityCenter, Masi said.

Davidovici said it takes more than just buzz to keep venues making money, though.

"You couldn't get 5,000 people three nights a week for three years to come if you didn't run a real establishment, if our doormen were rude to people and the cocktail waitresses weren't friendly," he said.

"It's more about the regular customer than the celebrity, because that person is spending money.

He's Baaaaaaaack

Yankees recalled infielder Alberto Gonzalez from Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre.

Friday, August 31, 2007

More Ozzie Madness

Cleveland Inning Summary
- E. Wassermann relieved M. Buehrle
- A. Cabrera hit for J. Barfield
- P. Konerko at first
- D. Erstad in left field
- A. Cabrera grounded out to first
- G. Sizemore singled to right
- F. Gutierrez flied out to deep center
- M. Myers relieved E. Wassermann
- T. Hafner walked, G. Sizemore to second
- V. Martinez singled to right, G. Sizemore scored, T. Hafner to third
- M. MacDougal relieved M. Myers (WTF??????)
- C. Gomez ran for V. Martinez
- R. Garko singled to left, T. Hafner scored, C. Gomez to third (OK bad hop, wasn't his fault)
- J. Peralta walked, R. Garko to second (4 straight balls)
- K. Lofton hit for J. Michaels
- K. Lofton walked, C. Gomez scored, R. Garko to third, J. Peralta to second (4 straight balls)
- C. Blake doubled to right, K. Lofton, J. Peralta and R. Garko scored (3-2 breaking ball that was probably a ball anyway)
- A. Cabrera walked
- B. Logan relieved M. MacDougal & got the next guy out.

5-2 lead turns into 8-5 deficit.

Wow! - this sounds like Fung & I...and our secret forbidden love...

"The Zoo" by R. Kelly

I wanna see (your body)
I wanna feel (your body)
I wanna touch (your body)
I wanna kiss (your body)
I wanna freak (your body)
Wanna sex
It's nothing like (your body)
(Your body)

[Verse 1]
It's like a jungle atmosphere
And we're two monkeys baby
It's like we're on a vine
The way we're swinging it baby
See, you're a tiger girl
The way you're scratching me
I'm a lion
In this jungle I'm a king
Girl, I got you so wet
It's like a rain forest
Like Jurassic Park
Except I'm your sex-a-saurus baby
You and me hopping
Like two kangaroos
Rattling and moaning
Out here in these woods

[B-section 1]
Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
Those are the sounds I wanna hear
When you're moaning in my ear
Girl you're singing to me
Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
You got me locked up in your cage of ecstasy
And I don't wanna be free cause it's

[Chorus 1]
Wild like a zoo
And that's the way I like it baby
Crazy me and you
Making love like we was just two heated animals
Baby come and lay with me in my jungle

[Verse 2]
Ooo, I swear I'm about to go
Turn your body around and beat the skins like it's a bongo
A thousand birds up out the tree
Girl, like a swarm of bees
That is how it's gonna be
Climaxing you and me
Touch the root of your soul
Let Mother Nature take control
Over us is rain and leaves
So come on girl
Let's plant these seeds, yeah

[B-section 2]
Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
Baby, those are the sounds I wanna hear
When you're moaning in my ear

Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
(Oh yeah)
You got me locked up in your cage of ecstasy
And I don't wanna be free cause it's

[Chorus 2]

Ya'll don't understand
Like two cheetahs running free
African butterfly to me
You're my safari fantasy
Girl this is heaven to me
Baby we are like coconut and banana trees
(It's a tropical)
Tropical chemistry
Like the wild life
I'm doing you baby
(I'm doing you baby)
You're doing me baby
(You're doing me baby)
It's you and me
(It's you and me)
Going wild

[Chorus 3]

And the whole jungle goes
Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa

Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa

Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa

Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa

Shocking News!

Cole Hamels won't start Sunday as planned after experiencing elbow soreness during a bullpen session Thursday. Thanks, Decker! The Phillies are still trying (lying) to pass this off as a minor issue. "There's nothing structurally wrong; the ligament's attached," assistant GM Ruben Amaro Jr. said. "We have no reason to believe this to be anything long term." Except for the fact that he's a 23-year-old pitcher with a history of serious arm issues, and Decker owns him (thanks again!). Hamels described the discomfort as minimal (this is known as a lie). He's to be shut down for another six days, so even in a best-case scenario, he'll make just three or four starts next month. And the kicker is: Awful Adam Eaton will pitch Sunday in his place. Expect plenty of s#i+ blowing up.

The System Works (cont'd)

From USA Today:
To say the pay gap between Wall Street’s top titans and average Americans is widening would be an understatement. One statistic sums up why: Last year, the top 20 hedge-fund and private-equity-fund managers earned more in 10 minutes than U.S. workers made the entire year, according to a report released Wednesday by two research groups. Those top fund managers pocketed an average $657.5 million in 2006, or 22,255 times the $29,544 average annual pay of U.S. workers, said the study issued by the Institute for Policy Studies (IPS) and United for a Fair Economy. That dwarfs the discrepancy between CEOs and workers: Corporate chieftains, on average, earn about 365 times the pay of U.S. workers. (more…)

FUNNY! Does Jimbo have food poisoning?

Cubs acquired RHP Steve Trachsel from the Orioles for infielder Scott Moore and RHP Rocky Cherry. A Trachsel trade always seemed likely, but it's pretty surprising that the Cubs are reacquiring him. He does give the team a nice insurance policy should a starter falter down the stretch, but as things stand now, he doesn't figure to be an upgrade over Sean Marshall. We're assuming that's who he'll replace if he enters the rotation right away.

Ya gotta love Trachsie's K/W numbers: 45/69 in 140 2/3 IP.

already paying dividends

Can i play him at RB?

Vince Young did not throw an interception in the preseason. Young completed 11-of-16 passes for 96 yards and a touchdown in the Titans' preseason finale Thursday night. He's a top-ten QB in all formats.

Republican Bizarro World


"Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work."--on 60 Minutes II; 12/05/00

"Arbolist...Look up the word. I don't know, maybe I made it up. Anyway, it's an arbo-tree-ist, somebody who knows about trees."--as quoted in USA Today; 8/21/01

"If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."--remarks to the Hispanic Scholarship Fund Institute; Washington, DC; 5/22/01

"The reason I believe in a large tax cut is because it's what I believe."--Washington; 12/18/00

I think we agree, the past is over."--on his meeting with John McCain, as quoted in The Dallas Morning News; 5/10/00

clear a spot on the bench for him...

Cubs catcher Geovany Soto became the first catcher since Sandy Alomar Jr. in 1989 to be named the MVP of the Pacific Coast League. Soto, who hit .353 with 106 RBI and 31 doubles, will be called up on Saturday when rosters can expand to 40 players.

A natural blending

I got this from one of those emails we IT nerds get.

The Simpsons vs Star Trek

Two popular theme songs blended by an interesting, creative individual (who really needs to spend more time outdoors)

Dumb Defined.

You're a bunch of poor phokks and continue to vote Republican...

The Richest (and Poorest) Places in the U.S.

The 10 poorest states

The states with the lowest median household income

State Income
Montana $40,627
Tennessee $40,315
Kentucky $39,372
Louisiana $39,337
Alabama $38,783
Oklahoma $38,770
Arkansas $36,599
West Virginia $35,059
Mississippi $34,473

Source: U.S. Census Bureau

Signs in 'Chinglish'

You know, Chinese & English...

Helping the wrong people (cont)

Bush unveils plans for homeowners at risk

Yet all he could say to folks in N'awlins was "We Understand"

More Larry Craig

The complete transcript of his arrest interview.

A right wing Republican complaining about be entrapped, now that's a real doozy.

when bad things happen to dumb people (cont'd)

SIU leader Poshard accused of plagiarism

when bad things happen to dumb people

Police Officer, 'Showing Off' for College Girls, Totals His Cruiser

Thursday, August 30, 2007

dis ain't gonna help

Chi White Sox 1
Texas 5

Against the gutless Kevin Millwood, no less... Look for Ozzie to try to get into the Sox'zz charter plane's cockpit during their approach to Cleveland and try to crash it into Lake Erie. At least that's what he should do, if he were a man.

Don't get nailed

Take your mind out of the gutter...

Larry "Wide Stance" Craig's Bust:

Audio Highlights!

Apparently, he makes it a common practice to pick up used toilet paper off the floor in public restrooms...

H O W S W E E P I T I S !!!

Here's a post for ya:

The Mets SUCK and Billy Wagner is a GUTLESS CHOKER!!!!!

Bottom 9th: Philadelphia
- J. Werth singled to left
- C. Ruiz flied out to deep center
- T. Iguchi hit for A. Nunez
- J. Werth stole second
- J. Werth stole third
- T. Iguchi singled to left, J. Werth scored
- T. Iguchi stole second
- J. Rollins intentionally walked
- C. Utley singled to right, T. Iguchi scored, J. Rollins to second

2 runs, 3 hits, 0 errors
NY Mets 10, Philadelphia 11

Sarge with no beard?

From Da Onion...

Where's Smiff?

Hasn't posted in 17 hours & counting... Mebbe he made good on his threat & is in a mens bathroom somewhere?

Blame it on the forners (cont)

FBI: Bomb threats force stores to wire money

Banning Childhood (cont'd)

Colo. school bans tag on its playground

This is Inevitable

Volkswagen and Apple heads discuss possible "iCar" project

Mt. Guillen Erupts

Guillen rips into Sox
X-rated rant follows loss to Rangers in extra innings

"Well, they're killing me," Guillen said. "They're killing my family. They're killing my coaching staff, killing the White Sox fans. They kill the owner. They kill everyone. I hope they feel the same way we feel."

"A $100 million payroll and those guys don't show how much they make in the field. Well, Kenny [Williams], I don't say what he has to do, but we play like this and spend all that money on the club like that, I will shut the payroll and go with Double-A kids if we have to, because it's not easy. I know those guys go out there and they care about it."

"I hope somebody out there cares the way we care," he said. "Good guys or nice guys finish (expletive) last. I'm tired of seeing that (expletive), day in and day out. And I don't want to spend a miserable September seeing the same (expletive). If I have to see the same (expletive), I told Kenny, 'Bring somebody up. (Expletive) it.'

"If it's my fault, I should be moving out of here then. If it's my fault, (expletive) fire my (expletive) and I'll be fine. I have the job to do and I get paid a lot of (expletive) money to make this club work, but it's not easy to work with people like that. It's not easy."

Useful Information

From Slate:

Is it wise to use a "wide stance" when you go to the bathroom?

No. When you're sitting on the toilet, spreading your feet and leaning forward tightens the levator ani muscles that control defecation. If you're having trouble passing stools, you should take the opposite of a wide stance, and lean back. Doctors recommend this technique to relax the bowel muscles.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Brett Myers is the best pitcher in the game today.

Top 9th: NY Mets
- B. Myers relieved T. Gordon
- C. Delgado struck out swinging
- P. Lo Duca singled to right
- E. Chavez ran for P. Lo Duca
- M. Anderson hit for L. Milledge
- M. Anderson singled to right center, E. Chavez to third
- S. Green hit for J. Sosa
- S. Green grounded into double play shortstop to second to first, M. Anderson out at second

0 runs, 2 hits, 0 errors
NY Mets 2, Philadelphia 3

Rotoworld should contact us to let them know whose careers will be destroyed by Decker & K-Mad

They both own dis poor guy...

Felix Hernandez was tagged for six runs and 13 hits in seven innings Wednesday in a loss to the Angels. That's a career high for hits allowed. Amazingly, the league is batting .286 against King Felix this season. It's simply remarkable that someone with his stuff can get hit so often. He's been a solid starter anyway, but he should be so much better.

also, go phokk yourselves, chumps

Bush tells New Orleans: 'We understand'

that's a lot of kibbles and bits...

Leona Helmsley's dog gets $12 million in will

NEW YORK (AP) -- Leona Helmsley's dog will continue to live an opulent life, and then be buried alongside her in a mausoleum. But two of Helmsley's grandchildren got nothing from the late luxury hotelier and real estate billionaire's estate. Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court.

I'm Sure it's Just a Coincidence

U.S. troops release detained Iranians

Al-Sadr suspends militia activity in Iraq

But at least both sides got to save face while more blips were transferred to the recycle bin.

What Americans are Looking At

2.Larry Craig
3.Scarlett Johansson
4.Cricket Score (Fungster's spending way too much time on line)
5.Lead Poisoning
6.Balls of Fury
7.Labor Day Clip Art
8.Toyota Supra
10.Potty Training

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Spoke too soon!

Let the SUCKfest commence...

Top 2nd: NY Mets - C. Delgado homered to deep right, M. Alou scored

take dat, HATERS (myself)

Adam Eaton manged to get through his 1st inning back WITHOUT giving up dozens and dozens of runs...

NY Mets Inning Summary
- J. Reyes popped out to second
- L. Castillo popped out to shallow left
- D. Wright walked
- D. Wright stole second
- C. Beltran struck out looking
- End of Inning (0 Runs, 0 Hits, 0 Errors)

Dream Ticket?

Well no, now that this guy's given the Republicans all the ammo they need...

Castro calls Clinton-Obama ticket 'invincible'
Castro wrote a Clinton-Obama ticket is "seemingly invincible".

WASHINGTON (CNN) – Add another name to the list of political observers who think a Clinton-Obama ticket would be unbeatable: Cuban leader Fidel Castro.
In an editorial in Cuba's communist party newspaper, Granma, the ailing dictator said the pairing of the two White House hopefuls seemed "invincible," according to an English translation on the paper's Web site.

Castro, who has overseen communist rule of Cuba since 1959, did, however, make it clear that he is no fan of the two Democrats' support of democratic reform in Cuba.

"Both of them feel the sacred duty of demanding 'a democratic government in Cuba,'" Castro wrote. "They are not making politics: they are playing a game of cards on a Sunday afternoon."

The two Democratic candidates actually disagree over America's policy toward Cuba. Obama, a senator from Illinois, wants to grant Cuban-Americans "unrestricted rights to visit family and send remittances to the island." Such activities are strictly limited by current U.S. policy.

Meanwhile, Clinton, New York's junior senator, said through a spokesman that "we cannot talk about changes to U.S. policy" unless and until Castro passes from the scene and a new government demonstrates its intentions.

Castro also weighed in on the “will-he-or-won't-he” debate on former Vice President Al Gore’s potential candidacy.

"I don’t think he will do so," Castro said, but added that Gore, "better than anyone, he knows about the kind of catastrophe that awaits humanity if it continues along its current course."

Castro was not, however, entirely full of praise for the 2000 Democratic nominee, conceding, "When he was a candidate, he of course committed the error of yearning for 'a democratic Cuba.'"

Castro, 81, has not appeared in public in over a year. Intestinal problems forced him to hand over power on the island to his brother, Raul, in July, 2006.

– CNN Ticker Producer Alexander Mooney

Speak Out! Give Me $$$!!!

My gmail suggested I take a look at this site:

Neuter Mike Vick T-shirt - - Buy your neuter Mike Vick t-shirts and speak out against Mike Vick.

Isn't speaking out against Mike Vick kind of like being against cavities and clubbing seals right now?

Why do I need to speak out against Mike Vick? Am I making some kind of noble statement? Suffering for my beliefs? With a t-shirt?

Get me one of these anti-defense of marriage shirts - I'll wear that.

The System Works (cont'd)

News Item: "The Bush administration is making it more difficult for states to provide health coverage to low-income children because of new rules defining eligibility. . . ."

News Headline: "No bailout for foreclosure victims."

News Headline: "Fed bends rules to help two big banks."

Makes me wanna cry

Reading the stats in the Trib at lunch:

Sox top batters average:
Erstad .272
AJ .269

Whole Cubs team: .269

Sox ERA 5.00
Cubs ERA 4.00

Seriously Ozzie, why are you still alive?

We're #1! U S A! U S A!! U S A!!!

U.S. most armed country with 90 guns per 100 people

GENEVA (Reuters) - The United States has 90 guns for every 100 citizens, making it the most heavily armed society in the world, a report released on Tuesday said.

Miss Teen America Transcript


"Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Lauren Caitlin Upton:

"I personally believe... that U.S. Americans are unable to do so... because...

"Uh... some people out there in our nation don't have maps...

"And... uh... I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and... uh... the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as...

"And I believe that they should...

"Our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S... uh...

"Or, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries...

"So we will be able to build up our future... for our children."

Miss Teen USA host Mario Lopez: "Thank you very much, South Carolina."

She finished 4th.

well, we've all been deres

Lance Briggs has been charged with misdemeanor leaving the scene of an accident after his Lamborghini was found crashed along the highway late Sunday.

Make it 6-10...

Update: Lance Briggs was reportedly at two nightclubs (Decker?) before crashing his car Sunday. Briggs left the scene. While his actions on that night are a concern, it seems like he is a long way from getting into any further trouble because of the incident.

Ok, 5-11, but that's firm...

Doesn't Decker need a WR?

Craphonso Thorpe leads the Colts in preseason receiving with 11 catches for 111 yards and two TDs. He's averaged 13.8 yards-per-punt return. It still may not be enough to earn Thorpe a spot on the roster. The Colts have strong depth at wideout and T.J. Rushing is in line to return punts.

We are living in a golden age (cont)

The Sensational video from Miss Teen USA. If you haven't seen it, watch. In all fairness, I don't think it's her fault. That was a dumb ass question, and the answer should have been "Because they're dumbasses." Wouldn't have won her the title, but it woulda been true...

CQ Update

Brett "Retard" Myers allowed 4 pop ups this week.

2007 Chix: The Movie?

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

Monday, August 27, 2007

speaking of dropping drawers...

Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) arrested: Guilty!

See the (funny!) report below (sounds like the mens' room at Deering Library)...

Udder fun facts about Larry Craig:

He grew up on a ranch outside Midvale in Washington County. (see: Brokeback Mountain)

Craig was a member of the Idaho National Guard from 1970 to 1972. (see: draft dodging)

Craig has been on the Board of Directors of the National Rifle Association since 1983. (see: He sees dead people.)

On June 11, 2007, Senator Craig was arrested at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on suspicion of lewd conduct. He pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct in August 2007. He paid more than $500 in fines and fees and was given one year of probation. A 10-day jail sentence was stayed. According to Roll Call, the arresting officer filed the following in his report of the incident:

At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot.... The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig then proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times.

Craig stated "that he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom and that his foot may have touched mine," the arrest report states. Craig also told the arresting officer that he reached down with his right hand to pick up a piece of paper that was on the floor. "It should be noted that there was not a piece of paper on the bathroom floor, nor did Craig pick up a piece of paper," the arresting officer said in the report.

At one point Craig handed the plainclothes sergeant who arrested him a business card that identified him as a U.S. Senator and said, "What do you think about that?" A spokesman for Craig described the incident as a 'he said/he said misunderstanding,' and said the office would release a fuller statement later Monday [August 27] afternoon.

well, after dey boff zipped up dere pants...

Travis Henry (knee sprain) returned to practice Monday. Henry will be held out of the preseason finale, but should be close to 100 percent by opening day.

Ravens placed LB Mike Smith (knee) on the PUP list (not that kind of performing).

Proven Veterans: Works for GMs, too

And throw in a little nepotism for good measure...

To replace Phil Garner and Tim Purpura, the Astros have named bench coach Cecil Cooper interim manager and team president Tal Smith interim general manager. There's already some thought that Tal's son Randy, a flop as a GM in both San Diego and Detroit, could be Purpura's permanent replacement.

Opening for Smiff, Corms

Astros Fire Manager Garner, GM Purpura

Ozzie can't be too far behind...

We are living in a golden age (cont)

Fried Foods Rule Texas Fair Contest

DALLAS - The entries in this year's Big Tex Choice Awards could entice State Fair visitors back to the deep fryer for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

There are Deep Fried Lattes for a morning jump-start, plus fried chili pie, fried guacamole, and a range of crispy desserts including Fried Cookie Dough.

"I'm not sure we have another Fried Coke," Black said, referring to the smash hit of last year's State Fair.

In a related story, Obesity rates climb in most states.

Was Fredi the anonymous BHK lover?

"We haven't been the same without him."--Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez on Byung-Hyun Kim rejoining the Marlins about a month after he was waived.

I believe K-Mad also once said this...

It's Official: Brett Myers' brain has flat-lined

"We don't need [Hamels]. He's only won 14 games."--Phillies idiot man-child Brett Myers

And he told a sportswriter he doesn't know anything about baseball??

A.J. Being A.J.

A.J. Pierzynski and White Sox hitting coach Greg Walker got into a verbal disagreement in the dugout Sunday that manager Ozzie Guillen said was Pierzynski's fault. "A.J. has to admit he was wrong," Guillen said. "I don't have anything against A.J. I like him. I love him. He's one of my players. I love dis keed. He shows up every day, but he's got to admit he's wrong."

He shows up every day? Add a baseball player's job requirements to things that aren't what they used to be...

Bears Predictions

It's that time again, time to make predictions on Da Bears record for dis year. Last year I believe da Corms was da closest, and dis year since we ain't all meetin' at da B dubya I thought we'd just post them up here for all to see for posterity. Methinks Sarge went with 10-6 and Corporal went with 9-7, please verify those. Since I'm usually bearish (tee hee), this year I'm gonna be bold and go with 11-5.

Are the dog days of summer over yet?

And what do cats have? The cat days of autumn? Does each season have an animal to go wid it?

Chemical Warfare?

Clearly this is a terrist attack, by a certain Northwestern suburb visitor...

Foul odor sends fire officials to O'Hare
By James Janega Tribune staff reporter
10:23 AM CDT, August 27, 2007

A report of a foul odor at O'Hare International Airport today may have been "sewer gas," police say, but it wasn't hazardous and didn't affect flights.

Ambulances from the Chicago Fire Department were called to a service area at about 8:10 a.m. at O'Hare after three employees complained of a foul smell in the air, airport and fire officials said.The employees were checked out, but no one was transported to hospitals.

"By the time it was reported and the scene was secured, it was about 10 minutes," said Chicago Department of Aviation spokeswoman Karen Pride.No flights were delayed, she said.A broken pipe may have caused the odor, but the official source hadn't been tracked down this morning, Pride said, adding that dangerous or flammable materials had been ruled out."They think it may be sewer gas. It doesn't appear to be anything there to hurt anyone," Officer Marcel Bright said.

Smiff's Pets, cont

Monkey misery for Kenyan women villagers

take dat, HATERS (myself)

Adam Eaton (sucking, big-time) is expected to be activated from the disabled list and start Tuesday's game against the Mets (shudder). Eaton has been out since Aug. 20 due to extended, awful "pitching". He has been terrible this season and isn't worth using in even the deepest fantasy leagues, except HACKING MASS.

The System Works, Cali-style

California stopped a $55 million mental health program for the homeless while maintaining a $45 million tax break that allows the buyers of yachts to avoid paying sales tax.

Can we, like, put the homeless on the yachts, maybe during the week?

Back to the drawing board

Tom Wood, a Year 10 student, probably 15 - 16 years old has cracked the federal government's $84-million internet porn filter in just 30 minutes. He can deactivate the filter in several clicks in such a way that the software's icon is not deleted which will make his parents believe the filter is still working. Tom says it is a matter of time before some computer-savvy kid puts the bypass on the Internet for others to use. "It's a horrible waste of money," he said. "They could get a much better filter for a few million dollars made here rather than paying overseas companies for an ineffective one."

In 3 Weeks the Terrorists Will Have Won.

US Attorney General Gonzales resigns

and the kicker is...i just drafted him!

Travis Henry has been ordered to pay $3,000 a month in child support and set up a $250,000 trust fund for one of his nine kids. Henry has fathered nine kids to nine different woman spreading across four southern states. He once had to borrow money from the Titans after falling behind in payments to a different child. Henry has more illegitimate children than he does NFL touchdowns. [Ha, Ha - this would mean 37 kids...]

I'm with my man Travis on this one: i can't find condoms big enough, either. It's tough out there for Henry and Smiff...

Sunday, August 26, 2007

anudder Fant SHTEAL

drafted in the last round, methinks...

Kelvim Escobar set a career-high by notching his 15th win of the season after holding the Blue Jays to one run in eight innings on Sunday. Escobar, who walked none and struck out five today, had previously set his career-high by going 14-11 with the Blue Jays in 1999. However, at 15-6 with a stellar 2.77 ERA, he's clearly having his career-year in 2007.

This is SO Cub (cont'd)

Top 9th: Chi Cubs
- J. Valverde relieved B. Lyon
- M. Fontenot singled to left center
- D. Ward hit for B. Howry
- D. Ward singled to left, M. Fontenot to second
- F. Pie ran for D. Ward
- J. Kendall struck out swinging, M. Fontenot out at third, F. Pie to second
- R. Theriot walked
- J. Jones grounded out to first

0 runs, 2 hits, 0 errors
Chi Cubs 4, Arizona 5

world coming to an end?

"A group of thunderstorms dump on northern San Diego County, with nearly two inches of rain falling in Escondido in one hour. Lightning strikes black out at least 10,000 electric customers in the area. Flooding was a problem in the Harmony Grove area..."

Of course, it didn't rain here but they're "predicting" a "40% chance of measurable precipitation" tonight, including a possible* thunderstorm! Chance of this actually happening: zero, zilch, zed, zippo, nada, not as such, no fucking way. Nevertheless, i feel compelled to batten down the hatches, as it will probably be my only chance until January.

*Bullshit emphasis all mine.

Brett Myers: A Piece of Work

Going Nuts: Now in Handy Audio Form

There are at least a dozen expletives in about 30 seconds...if he could pitch like he can cuss, maybe he wouldn't be blowing so many games. And i believe the definition of a pop-up is it stays in the infield. I think the order goes this way, based on distance:

Brett Myers Meatball

This guy is a Cyclone, right? Figgers...

Suckfest on da Sout'Side: further evidence today

Totally ripped off from Fire Joe Morgan:

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie!
Yesterday [Friday] the White Sox dropped two games in dismal fashion to the Red Sox. Ozzie Guillen, post-game:

"A tough day for everyone. Pitching, hitting, defense. You just name it. I think that's one of the reasons they're in first place and we're in last place."

Pitching, hitting, defense. One of the reasons the Red Sox are in first place and the White Sox are in last.

He thinks.


Series total: Red Sox 46, White Sox 7. Yep, it's looking like pitching, hitting, defense. Also, how about lousy managing? And the manager continuing not to take his own life? Really, how else is this team "going to start playing like they're capable of playing" without some drastic, desperate act. Ozzie, for the good of the team you MUST hang yourself in your office. This should have happened weeks ago. Come on, Macho Man, put your money where your big mouth is...

How do you spell retarded?

B R E T T M Y E R S.

PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- The Philadelphia Phillies bullpen coughed up another lead. Then, things really boiled over in the clubhouse after the game. Kevin Kouzmanoff hit a go-ahead homer off Brett Myers in the ninth inning, one of two Myers allowed in the inning, and the San Diego Padres beat Philadelphia 4-3 on Saturday night to hand the slumping Phillies their fourth straight loss. After the game, Myers got into a shouting match with a reporter and had to be restrained by teammate Pat Burrell. When Myers was asked about the two home runs, he said they were really "just pop ups." A reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer questioned whether Myers really thought they were pop ups, and Myers got angry. "You're not even a beat reporter, you're a fill-in, you don't know anything about baseball," said Myers, who then called the reporter "retarded."
The Inquirer reporter asked if Myers could spell retarded, and Myers stood up. Burrell then restrained Myers, and Myers refused to speak any further.