Well, this explains how @kmaddest does it...

To Lose Weight, Just Drink a Gallon of Coffee:

Put that on the board

Apologies if you used one of those recordificating machines to recordify the proceedings..

Buehrle completes perfect game to throttle Rays

I don't think anyone anticipated racoons

Josh Outman is out 12-18 months after undergoing Tommy John surgery on Tuesday.

He also had a bone spur, a railroad tie, and a family of racoons removed from his left elbow. It's a serious blow to the A's 2010, 2011, and 2012 rotation as Outman had emerged as the staff's best starter early this season

WHO declares SUCKS pandemic

06.16: SI.com is reporting that season-ending surgery is still a possibility for Prairie Chickens' starter Jake Peavy. Peavy and the Chix'zz medical staff will do everything in their power to rehab the injury without surgery, but the possibility still exists that it could be necessary if the ankle does not properly heal (see also: Wheelchair Baseball).

K-Mad already scheming to end her career...

Japanese schoolgirl signs pro baseball contract
TOKYO (AP) -- A 16-year-old Japanese girl signed with a regional baseball team Tuesday, becoming the country's first female professional baseball player.
Eri Yoshida, a knuckleball pitcher, will play for the Kobe 9 Cruise in a new independent league starting in April 2009. The team selected her last month along with 31 male players in the league draft.
"I still don't feel like I've really become a pro baseball player, but I want to do my best," Yoshida said at a news conference after signing her contract. "My specialty is the knuckleball, so I really want to be able to get batters out using it effectively."
The Cruise are more like a farm team and a far cry from Japan's mainstream pro teams such as the Tokyo Yomiuri Giants. But the 5-foot, 114-pound Yoshida has broken a barrier in baseball-crazy Japan, where women are normally relegated to amateur, company-sponsored teams or to softball.
Yoshida, who started playing baseball when she was in second grade, said she wants to emulate Boston Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield, who has built a successful major league career as a knuckleballer.
The fledgling Japanese League, based in western Japan, is hoping to find enough success to eventually challenge the likes of the long-established Central and Pacific leagues. Those leagues, home to the best Japanese players, have become an increasingly fertile ground for talent headed to the U.S. major leagues.
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Debridement of his Labrum? Bony Lesion? He's a Chix, right??

The Phillies still feel they're looking at a 4-6 month recovery phase following Chase Utley's hip surgery on Monday. Utley had an arthroscopic debridement of his labrum and a bony lesion that was present. Dr. Bryan Kelly reported the surgery went well and the findings yesterday were consistent with the diagnostic studies performed prior to surgery. Utley's toughness certainly isn't in doubt, and it'd be no surprise to see him back for Opening Day. Still, the Phillies may want to go shopping for a better utilityman than Eric Bruntlett.
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Sucking Never Sleeps

Cent. Michigan     3 20  7  0  3  33  Final 
Northern Illinois  0  3 11 16  0  30  OT

This after coming back from a 30-6 deficit.

In related news, American Express is asking da gumbint for a few billion dollars... which financial institution will K-Mad try to destroy next?
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k-mad brings the entropy (cont'd)

March: To escape Chase, K-Mad opens WaMu account.

September: WaMu fails, is bought out by Chase. K-Mad opens ING account.

October: "Shares of ING fell more than 27 percent Friday in Amsterdam after the company said it expected to post a third-quarter loss of €500 million..."

Don't Mess With The K-Mad

According to the Los Angeles Times, Hong-Chih Kuo "underwent a heart examination in an effort to determine why his fingers became numb and turned bright red while warming up Saturday." Kuo tested negative for blood clots earlier this week and the Dodgers continue to search for answers while he sits out the NLDS.
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Yep, K-Mad has him...

Cameron Maybin has been sidelined at Double-A after being bit on the face by a spider.
That's a new one. Maybin has been out for the past five days after missing time with a back injury earlier in the season. In between injuries he's hit .278/.374/.465 with 13 homers, 20 steals and a 115/56 K/BB ratio in 101 games to retain his status as one of the game's top outfield prospects.
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If only I had chosen to use my awesome powers for good instead of evil...

News item: Manager Jim Riggleman noted that Erik Bedard still isn't to the point where he can throw, according to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Riggleman added that it is going to take time, and is unsure when it is going to be.

Horrors in the News (cont'd)

News item: Eric Hurley (hamstring, SUCKS, botched alien rectal probe) was scratched from his scheduled start Monday and left on the DL because he's dealing with arm soreness.

It's supposed to be a mild problem, and Hurley thinks he'll take his next scheduled turn. However, the Rangers might now decide to have him pitch once more in the minors.

K-Mad Killer Update (cont'd)

General manager Omar Minaya said Thursday that Moises Alou has a torn left hamstring and will likely undergo season-ending surgery. Alou injured his hamstring Wednesday while playing in a minor league rehab game on his comeback from a strained calf. Even without going under the knife he's probably done for the year.
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K-Mad Is Shocked--Shocked!

SNY reports that Moises Alou left his rehab start with cramps in his hamstring on Wednesday.

roster update

Horror reliever Manny Acosta was placed on the disabled list Monday and laid to rest in a private ceremony Tuesday. He joins Brett Myers, Pat Misch, Willie Ledezzzma, Ross OlenDORF, Eric "I Think I'm Gonna" Hurley, John Bale, Joey Devine, and Al Reyes on the list of formerly living and undead Horror pitchers k-mad has humanely destroyed this year.

K-Mad's back!

Diamondbacks placed catcher Chris Snyder on the disabled list with a left testicular fracture. That's gotta be even worse than an anal fissure. Snyder was injured when he was hit by a foul tip last night. Miguel Montero will start and be backed up by Robby Hammock while Snyder is out. He's worth adding in NL-only leagues.

FISK Hunter Division fun fact

The last place team has a better run differential than the first place team.

wheelchair time

May 22 - Mets placed outfielder Moises Alou on the 15-day disabled list with a strained left calf.
June 13 - Mets placed outfielder Moises Alou on the 15-day disabled list with a strained left calf.

Remember, these things happen in threes.

K-Mad's work here is done (cont'd)

Padres designated LHP Wilfredo Ledezzzma for assignment. This means Cha-Seung Baek will stay in the rotation following Jake Peavy's return, probably on Thursday. Ledezma gets booted even though he had a 3.15 ERA in 20 innings as a reliever earlier this season. He wasn't very good in five starts, going 0-2 with a 5.66 ERA, but it's a surprise the Padres didn't just put him back in middle relief.

They would probably be calling him WINfredo by this point if K-Mad would just stop drafting him...

new K-Mad malady: "hot spot"

Manager Joe Girardi said Wednesday that Phil Hughes won't be cleared to begin throwing for at least another week after a bone scan of his injured ribs revealed a "hot spot." He's scheduled to undergo another bone scan next week and may require a month-long minor league rehab assignment once he's cleared to throw, so Hughes figures to be out until at least July.