I wonder what gave it away? Maybe the crash. Or the fact that it was an ambulance.

News item: Woman charged with stealing city ambulance from South Side hospital

"If Carnival and Las Vegas had a baby, this would be the placenta"

"The Marlins are planning a structure beyond the center-field wall of their new ballpark. This structure will light up and make a fancy hullabaloo whenever a Marlin hits a home run. And remember, they have Mike Stanton, so they could be firing up this thing quite a bit.

"Now close your eyes, and think about what this structure might look like. Go ahead. Let your imagination run wild...

"Behold. This is what will happen when the Marlins hit a home run. It's what Bernie Brewer thinks he's sliding down after a couple buttons of peyote. Don't avert your eyes. Look at it. Study it. This is what we've become."
~

Job Creator Brainstorming, or, Onion or Real (cont'd)?, or, The Dumbshine State (cont'd)

"I'm on a quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people," Workman said. "This is an example of Big Brother government.

"All that it does is prevent some dwarfs from getting jobs they would be happy to get," Workman said. "In this economy, or any economy, why would we want to prevent people from getting gainful employment?"
~

There is probably an interesting story behind that

News item: Dodgers Dress Mexican Pitcher As Taco
~

Literally Unbelievable (cont)

Tennessee Just Made Offensive Online Pictures Illegal - Gizmodo

The law prohibits the online distribution of any image that might "frighten, intimidate or cause emotional distress" to someone who sees it. Which, really, could be virtually anything.

Like Smiff wearing an Elvis costume. Or K-Mad dressed as a chicken. Where does it end?

This is wrong in about 400 ways

A restaurant in London's Covent Garden is serving a new range of ice cream, made with breast milk.

The dessert, called Baby Gaga(!)(?)(!)(?), is churned with donations (interesting word choice, since as noted below they get paid for the "donation" - ed) from 15 women who responded to an advertisement on an online mothers' forum.

One of the women, Victoria Hiley, 35, said if adults realised how tasty breast milk was more new mothers would be encouraged to breastfeed. (That doesn't make any phokking sense. If grownups knew how tasty breast milk was then more mums would feed it to their babies? I'm guessing it isn't a taste issue that makes mums stop breast feeding their kids...ed)

Each serving of Baby Gaga at Icecreamists costs £14.

Mrs Hiley's donation was expressed on site and pasteurised before being churned with Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest.

Icecreamists founder Matt O'Connor placed an advert appealing for breast milk donations and believes his new recipe will be a success.

Continue reading the main story

“Start Quote

What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?”

Victoria HileyMother

"If it's good enough for our children, it's good enough for the rest of us," he said.

"Some people will hear about it and go yuck - but actually it's pure organic, free-range and totally natural." (Except the women drive everywhere or sit at home in front of the computer and TV & ate twinkies & drank soda exclusively during that time, violating all 3 qualities mentioned - ed)

Mrs Hiley, who gets £15 for every 10 ounces of milk she donates to the company, said it was a great "recession beater".

"What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?" she added. (The pin-up girls already took that one. Come up with something different - ed)

"I teach women how to get started on breastfeeding their babies. There's very little support for women and every little helps."

Mr O'Connor said health checks for the lactating women were the same used by hospitals to screen blood donors.

"No-one's done anything interesting with ice cream in the last hundred years," he added. (If this is what you call interesting....ed)

More bad advice from the Tribune

Winter storm survival tools

• Eat regularly and drink ample fluids, but avoid caffeine and alcohol.

Thanks. This alone could kill me, even on a sunny day.

Great plans gone awry

Fugitive says he planned suicide by bear

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — A convicted killer who escaped from an Arizona prison says his plan was to overdose on heroin at Yellowstone National Park and let bears eat him.

Mystery solved: Teen put piano on sand bar

MIAMI — The rumors can stop swirling: The baby grand piano that turned up on a Miami sandbar was burned to tatters by New Year’s revelers, then brought to its new home by a television designer’s teenage son who said Thursday he hoped the idea might help him get into a prestigious art school.
~

Santa/Obama Nexus, or, When Redistributors Attack the Christmastution

Taking his message into Yuletide mode, Hedrick penned "The Liberal Clause," a tea-party-themed Christmas book for children featuring a socialist Barack Obama, "Elf Peloosi" and special appearances by Joseph Stalin (No Hitler cameo? Disappointing... Ed.) and an Afro-centric minister named "Reverend Blight."

Hedrick is traveling to New York today to film a Christmas-special segment for Comedy Central's "Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Hedrick consultant Robert Harmon told The Ticket. "And sales-wise, he's doing great," Harmon added. (Yay! Ed.)

Hedrick lost his insurgent GOP primary bid in August but has segued promptly into promoting "The Liberal Clause." (Hedrick has also been busy appearing in court, on assault charges filed by his wife -- who has since sought to rescind a no-contact order between the couple, claiming that he was trying to calm her down at a time when she was "out of control.") (Ho! Ho! Ho! Ed.)

"The Liberal Clause" depicts socialist elves (Redundant? Aren't they all socialists? Ed.) -- led by Obama -- trying to take over the North Pole (forcing elves to reduce their carbon footprint, among other power grabs) and control Hedrick's hometown of Camas, Washington.

But one little girl's dedication to the "Christmastution" (Is that a thing? Ed.) saves the town from a complete takeover.

Is this a joke?

The White Sox plan to use Mark Kotsay as their designated hitter against right-handers, and Andruw Jones against lefties.
~

whitey still can't jump - but maybe that's the point, or, whitey/two-handed set shot nexus in the news

"There's nothing hatred about what we're doing," he said. "I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."

I phink not -- "Calling it 'The Big Willie' fine with Willis CEO"

Calling it 'The Big Willie' fine with Willis CEO

(Crain's) — Call it "Big Willie," Joseph Plumeri says of his latest high-profile acquisition, the naming rights to Sears Tower.

hiney birds in the news

News item: "The buzz in the press boxes is that Mr. Mariotti is going to work at the Chicago Tribune in some capacity. Since Tribune officials are declining to comment on the matter, you know something is in the works."
~

At least he's a good Clubhouse Guy...

Milton Bradley went 2-for-4 with a two-run double on Friday, giving him just his third multi-RBI game of the season.

So why was he still being booed? Bradley ran into an out in the sixth, lost a flyball in the sun in the seventh and then forgot how many outs there were and threw a live ball into the stands in the eighth. He should be quite embarrassed about his play.
~

I realize this one late effort doesn't make it up to Smiff, but was Slash not available?

News item: Linkin Park guitarist chosen as UCLA commencement speaker

Mr. Carol Newquist wouldn't like this one bit

News item: Free Viagra for the unemployed

"We have to have lobotomies for anyone who earns less than ten thousand a year.* I don’t like it, but it’s an emergency."

-- Mr. Carol Newquist, in Little Murders

(* in 1969 dollars)
~

It's been a great signing, so far...

Milton Bradley is not in the Cubs' starting lineup on Thursday.
He returned to action on Wednesday night, but went 0-for-4 with three strikeouts, and manager Lou Piniella has now told him he won't start until he's 100 percent. Furthermore, when he does return, he's expected to bat sixth instead of fourth. Micah Hoffpauir, starting in right field on Thursday, will get the majority of playing time until Bradley is ready.

So between "not being 100 percent," suspensions and the weather (blame Skilly!), M-Brad might be looking at 100 games played this year. Still, he is great in the clubhouse.

In related "What is Hendry smoking?" news, Luis Vizcaino (ERA 0.00) and his $3.6 million* salary have been released and Jeff Samardzija has been recalled. I must have missed what Samardzija has done other than walking a lot of guys?

*Make that $4.6 million since Pizza Man gave Colorado $1 million to take the mistake that was Jason Marquis off his hands.

Dontcha wish you just had millions of dollars to piss away hoping something might stick?

people are soooo sensitive

Walgreens pulls Obama Chia Pet after complaints

Walgreens has pulled a Barack Obama version of the Chia Pet from its stores, and the decision leaves about 200,000 of the pottery plant kits in a West Side Chicago warehouse.

The Deerfield-headquartered drugstore chain made the move Friday after getting a few complaints about the item since the product's April 1 launch, a spokeswoman said...

The $19.99 Chia Obama, which sprouts foliage in the space where hair would be, is still available at chiaobama.com... YAY!

News item: D.C. bus driver punches out McGruff

WASHINGTON — A bus driver thought it would be funny to take the bite out of McGruff the crime dog by punching the mascot, but police said children who witnessed the stunt were horrified.

Don't try this at home... ok, Smiff can try it, but he has to report back to the rest of us

There isn't much to making bacon vodka: You throw a few cooked slices into the bottle, put it in a cupboard, and wait three weeks.