EVIDENCE MASSIVE STEROID USE CAUSES EYE DAMAGE

David Ortiz said that he is thinking about getting his eyes checked.
"There have been some situations that something has happened to my eyes, my vision," Ortiz said. "But I'm planning on getting my eyes checked out sometime soon. I don't know. It's just sometimes that I've been feeling lately. It's not anything crazy, but just to make sure." Ortiz goes on to say that he has 20-20 vision, so it's extremely doubtful that his failures at the plate this season are vision related. The struggling designated hitter was on the bench on Thursday against the Tigers with left-hander Dontrelle Willis on the mound.
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TV - Far too forgiving

For here's someone that shouldn't be allowed to talk anymore, first, because he's always wrong, second because he's annoying, and third, because he was such a wuss on The Daily Show.



Jim Cramer: Buy A House Now, Calls Housing Bottom

Translated: HE DID A SHITLOAD OF STEROIDS

Sammy Sosa said Wednesday that he's ready to announce his formal retirement from baseball.

"I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame," said a delusional Sosa. "I always played with love and responsibility and I assure you that I will not answer nor listen to rumors. If anything ugly comes up in the future, we will confront it immediately, but with all our strength because I will not allow anybody to tarnish what I did in the field."
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Look who's UNHINGED!

Manager Ozzie Guillen defended his use of DeWayne Wise in a tirade Wednesday.
"I'm tired, really tired, of fans and media talking about Wise anymore," Guillen said. "He played because I wanted him to play. He played because I made the stinking lineup ... Every time I read it, all of the sudden they're in love with Brian Anderson." Wise has posted a .172/.200/.172 line in 29 at-bats, which is one hot streak away from his career line of .211/.250/.372.
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she speaks for millions of Illinois residents

"Daddy, I wish you were there to eat the tarantula, not Mommy."
-- Rod "Perfect Hair" Blagojevich's 6-year-old daughter, to her father

satire gets harder all the time (cont'd)

In the two weeks since Newsweek has redesigned, the magazine’s editors have sent out a statement that they intend to sever any and all connection to the turgid, dusty newsweekly of yore. And Jon Meacham, the magazine’s editor, is trying to recapture that age-old magazine editor’s trick for his newly conceived book: buzz.

For the next issue that hits newsstands on June 8, Comedy Central funnyman Stephen Colbert will be Newsweek’s guest editor...

MORE PIZZA FOR JIMBO!

Tue, Jun 2
Milton Bradley left Tuesday's game with a right calf strain, the team's official site reports.
Recommendation: Reed Johnson replaced Bradley in the field for the fourth inning. He's struggled to produce around nagging injuries this season, and it's only Year 1 of the three-year, $30 million deal that Jim Hendry gave him over the winter.
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Where were K-Mad's commencement speaker reports this year?

Like "Larry the Cable Guy" at some community college in Texas?

Well, did anyone get a get as good as the "Idiocracy" guy? An UCSD alumnus, i might add:

Graduating seniors, graduate students, family members, friends and alumni are all invited to participate in the second annual All Campus Graduation Celebration on Friday, June 12, at 5 p.m. on RIMAC field. The campus-wide event will include an alumni grad mixer, picnic-style dinner, fireworks display and ceremony where Mike Judge, '85, an alumnus of UC San Diego and creator behind "Office Space" and "King of the Hill," will serve as keynote speaker.
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Guns Don't Kill People in Church, People Kill People in Church

Dear Citizen,

The recent assassination of George R Tiller while in church raises the logical argument: if every member of that congregation had been armed, the assassin would have thought twice before marching into the church. It is imperative that you, citizen, defend your right to carry firearms, concealed or not, into your house of worship as described in the 2nd Amendment of our Constitution. Write your Congressman today and send your contribution to your local NRA chapter.

Thank you for your support.
God bless America.

Adam Kovac
President, NRA