We suck

4 straight weeks of declining posts? If we're not careful, we'll lose our reader.

Whitey keeping darky down (cont)

GM drops Tiger Woods

Paring costs my ass!

Things that suck (cont)

Man's arm trapped in train toilet

A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet.

The 26-year-old victim was trapped when he tried to fish out his mobile phone, which had fallen into the toilet bowl, and fell foul of the suction system.

The high-speed TGV train had to stop for two hours while firemen cut through the train's pipework.

The man was carried away by emergency services, with the toilet still attached to his arm.

"He came out on a stretcher, with his hand still jammed in the toilet bowl, which they had to saw clean off," said Benoit Gigou, a witness to the man's plight.

The incident happened on Sunday evening, aboard a train travelling in western France between La Rochelle and Paris.

suction (things that suck)

5:17 PM me: Brett Myers? SUCKS.
Kevin: not now - working on inspiring LoC post...
democracy hangs in the balance...
must... save... the people...
5:18 PM me: i'll say, it could all hinge on that post
Kevin: i phink so
5:27 PM me: fuckface working on a 9 hitter thru 4 IP
Steve Carlton he ain't
Kevin: he's crafty
me: anudder big fly for Howard
5:34 PM me: shockingly, assface gives up another run
also, Big Z: the big sucking
5:35 PM Kevin: you're just setting yourself up for a spectacular phillytastic disappointment
5:36 PM me: total body weight loss tomorrow:
The Brewers will have Yovani Gallardo start Thursday's game against the Reds.T
BOOM
Kevin: yes
5:37 PM me: GUONE:
- C. Durbin relieved B. Myers
Kevin: bout phokking time
5:43 PM me: well now, you laid America bare wiff dat last post
5:47 PM apparently, David Letterman is going to crush McCain for cancelling on him
also, this just in: i am going the fuck home
5:48 PM zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Kevin: bout phokking time
i did didnt i?
me: then there's this crap:
- C. Durbin relieved B. Myers
- C. Ruiz catching
- O. Infante reached on fielder's choice, B. McCann scored, C. Kotchman to second on first baseman R. Howard's throwing error
- J. Francoeur struck out swinging
- B. Jones singled to left, C. Kotchman scored, O. Infante to second
fuck it, i'm gone
5:48 PM Kevin: shocking
da phokking thing SUCKS
~~~~~
7:23 PM me: Jeff Samardzija SUCKS
Kevin: smiff is angry?
me: YOU SUCK
Kevin: me?
YOU suck
7:24 PM me: EVERYTHING SUCKS
Kevin: on this we can agree
7:25 PM me: but at least i didn't watch President SUCKS
7:26 PM Kevin: mccain is: a) senile b) insane c) drunk d) a titanic asshole on a gargantuan scale of yoogeness e) all of the above
7:31 PM me: liar? no lying liar deres?
7:32 PM Kevin: guess dat poll needs some shakin up an some fixin
7:35 PM me: Couric: I’m just going to ask you one more time - not to belabor the point. Specific examples in his 26 years of pushing for more regulation.
Palin: I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring them to you.
Kevin: to be fair, i would have flubbed that question too
7:45 PM me: Bob Howry about to SUCK
next job for Bush: new GM of the Detroit Lions
7:46 PM Kevin: that would be a black hole of suck
7:52 PM me: Mets SUCK AGAIN. Runner at 3rd, no outs, don't score.
Kevin: its like they had persistent SUCKS
7:53 PM me: Ramon Castro WHIFFS wiff bases loaded
7:54 PM This just in:
your Chicago White Sox SUCK
Kevin: massively
me: SWEPT by the Pirahnas (wrong again--ed.)
Did Ozzie make a choking sign after the game?
7:56 PM Kevin: why were they in first to begin with?
me: KO replacing McCain on Letterman tonight
Kevin: yeah dat sounds good
me: more news on Palin's witch doctor
Kevin: dat dude sounds purdy creepy
7:57 PM me: he's the Alan Keyes of witch doctors
Kevin: i phink dat nails it
8:02 PM me: speaking of SUCKING:
Homunculi in 5th
Kevin: yeah dat totally sucks...
8:05 PM me: McCain took time out of his day to meet with Lady de Rothschilde
who SUCKS
Kevin: but is not an elitist
8:07 PM me: Mets' Luis Ayala SUCKS
Kevin: you really hate the mets
8:10 PM me: something that doesn't suck: this tasty $7 pinot
WAH ROH:
Wootz is in...
8:11 PM Kevin: youre missing a delightful phokking merlot here
me: Oct 16th: lots of drinking begins
Kevin: will the living envy the dead?
me: a good chance
8:16 PM Mets lose - THEY SUCK
8:17 PM Kevin: toad ya
8:20 PM me: 54,416 LOSER Muts fanz
Kevin: its shocking how much they suck
8:21 PM you cant blame them for wanting to squeeze in one last visit to shangri-la
me: aka The DUMP
8:24 PM Holy Crap:
8:25 PM Phil Hughes pitched well tonight
Kevin: expect something gruesome
8:33 PM me: here's a surprise:
Jonathon Sanchez totally SUCKED tonight
Kevin: we hatesez him
8:49 PM me: the Fant Effect: every player i've picked up this month has gotten inured:
Willy Taveras is done for the season because of a stress fracture in his right lower leg.
Kevin: how is smiff to blame?
me: i know you?
Kevin: dat would do it
8:56 PM me: in related news:
Cameron Maybin left Wednesday’s game in the sixth inning due to a stiff left hip.
8:57 PM Kevin: are wheelchairs allowed on the field?
me: not yet
Kevin: shit
8:58 PM me: Bush: "business that make bad decisions should fail"...like ALL of his businesses, inc. his presidency - WHAT A PHOKKING MORON
he SSSSSSSSSSSSSSUCKS
8:59 PM Kevin: it makes my head want to explode
9:00 PM me: K. Correia: 1 IP, 6 runs...all YOU
Kevin: i guess... he was so last year tho
9:16 PM me: Yahoo SUCKS
Kevin: now what?
9:17 PM me: fantasy section is down
9:18 PM Kevin: dats ok - letterman is HATING on mccain
and here comes ko
9:19 PM me: YAY
9:21 PM Kevin: letterman: "this just stinks..."
9:42 PM me: Yahoo still SUCKS
9:43 PM Kevin: no question

Things That Suck: The New York Mets (cont'd)

Chris Coste collected four hits on Tuesday night, the last of which drove in Shane Victorino with the winning run in an 8-7, 13-inning victory over the Mets that propelled the Phillies into first place in the AL East.
Coste didn't start in the game, but came on as a pinch-hitter in the eighth and delivered in all four of his at-bats. It was an extremely impressive game for the Phillies, who fell behind 7-0 early on but battled their way back and eventually tied the game on a pinch-hit RBI double from Eric Bruntlett with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. Victorino had tripled to lead off the thirteenth inning, at which point the Mets intentionally walked two straight hitters to get to the pitcher's slot. With the Phillies out of position players, Brett Myers pinch-hit and struck out, but Coste poked a ball over Carlos Beltran's head in the next at-bat to send the Phillies home victorious.

~

98% of this is over my head...

But Zogby sucks. I get that part.

The New York Mets Suck (cont'd)

The Phillies aren't exactly tearing it up right now, but at least they lose to good teams. The Mets tonight were pummeled 11-0 at home by the worst team in baseball. The opposing pitcher: R.A. Dickey--yes, that R.A. Dickey. Even better, 49,386 idiotic, drooling troglodyte homunculi witnessed the ass-walloping.

R.A. Dickey blanked the Mets for seven innings on Tuesday night as the Mariners cruised to an 11-0 victory. In his three previous starts this season, Dickey had gone 0-3 with a 14.11 ERA. Tonight he finally got his knuckleball working and allowed just six hits and a pair of walks while striking out five over seven frames. He might get another shot because of tonight's start, but he's still a risky pick-up.

Things That Suck: The New York Mets

Scott Schoeneweis, Omar Minaya and Willie Randolph. Remember when Schoeneweis totally sucked with the White Sox? He later sucked with the Reds, but the Mets still signed him to a 3 year, 10.8 mEEEEEELLLLion dollar contract (career ERA: 4.94). And then he proceeded to SUCK in his 1st year with the Muts. Was Omar Minaya on crack? There must be dozens of lefties in the minors who can do what he does (SUCK) for the league minimum. So... you have a pitcher that can't find the plate in a tie game (and you leave him in?), and then you intentionally walk the bases loaded. Yes, it sets up a force play, but if he can't throw a strike, what phokking difference does it make?

Paul McAnulty had a walkoff HBP against the Mets' Scott Schoeneweis in the Padres' 2-1 victory on Thursday. After entering a tie game, Schoeneweis walked the first two batters he faced and then failed on his first attempt to corral Adrian Gonzalez's shot up the middle, forcing him to settle for getting one out at first. An intentional walk to load the bases followed, and Schoeneweis' first pitch to McAnulty hit him up by his shoulder. It made a winner of Trevor Hoffman, who pitched a scoreless top of the ninth.

how to suck at holding a lead

Your Chukar Cherries this week:

Game 1: led 4-0 after 2, lost 8-4
Game 2: led 5-0 after 2, won 6-5 in 10 innings
Game 3: led 5-1 after 2 1/2, lost 7-6

Wow, THAT SUCKED!

Cholly Gibson: stooge. Just awful. This moron should be slicing meat in a deli somewhere.

The reviews are in

Salon’s Walter Shapiro added:
This is the way it ends, not with a bang but a whimper. If Wednesday night’s fizzle in Philly was indeed the last debate of the Democratic primary season between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, it will be remembered for, well, not much of anything.

Broadcast to a prime-time network audience on ABC and devoid of a single policy question during its opening 50 minutes, the debate easily could have convinced the uninitiated that American politics has all the substance of a Beavis and Butt-Head marathon.

“Uh oh, the crowd is turning on me…”

Charlie, you should be happy that all they did was boo you…last night’s debate was an embarrassment to the American electorate on so many levels. It doesn’t matter which candidate you are supporting, the determined non-substance of the debate is an affront.

Will Bunch:
It’s hard to know where to begin with this, less than an hour after you signed off from your Democratic presidential debate here in my hometown of Philadelphia, a televised train wreck that my friend and colleague Greg Mitchell has already called, quite accurately, “a shameful night for the U.S. media.” It’s hard because — like many other Americans — I am still angry at what I just witnesses, so angry that it’s hard to even type accurately because my hands are shaking. Look, I know that “media criticism” — especially when it’s one journalist speaking to another — tends to be a genteel, colleagial thing, but there’s no genteel way to say this.

With your performance tonight — your focus on issues that were at best trivial wastes of valuable airtime and at worst restatements of right-wing falsehoods, punctuated by inane “issue” questions that in no way resembled the real world concerns of American voters — you disgraced my profession of journalism, and, by association, me and a lot of hard-working colleagues who do still try to ferret out the truth, rather than worry about who can give us the best deal on our capital gains taxes. But it’s even worse than that. By so badly botching arguably the most critical debate of such an important election, in a time of both war and economic misery, you disgraced the American voters, and in fact even disgraced democracy itself. Indeed, if I were a citizen of one of those nations where America is seeking to “export democracy,” and I had watched the debate, I probably would have said, “no thank you.” Because that was no way to promote democracy.


It doesn't get any better than Tom Shales devouring really bad television:

In Pa. Debate, The Clear Loser Is ABC
By Tom Shales
Thursday, April 17, 2008; C01
When Barack Obama met Hillary Clinton for another televised Democratic candidates' debate last night, it was more than a step forward in the 2008 presidential election. It was another step downward for network news -- in particular ABC News, which hosted the debate from Philadelphia and whose usually dependable anchors, Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, turned in shoddy, despicable performances.
For the first 52 minutes of the two-hour, commercial-crammed show, Gibson and Stephanopoulos dwelled entirely on specious and gossipy trivia that already has been hashed and rehashed, in the hope of getting the candidates to claw at one another over disputes that are no longer news. Some were barely news to begin with.
The fact is, cable networks CNN and MSNBC both did better jobs with earlier candidate debates. Also, neither of those cable networks, if memory serves, rushed to a commercial break just five minutes into the proceedings, after giving each candidate a tiny, token moment to make an opening statement. Cable news is indeed taking over from network news, and merely by being competent.
Gibson sat there peering down at the candidates over glasses perched on the end of his nose, looking prosecutorial and at times portraying himself as a spokesman for the working class. Blunderingly he addressed an early question, about whether each would be willing to serve as the other's running mate, "to both of you," which is simple ineptitude or bad manners. It was his job to indicate which candidate should answer first. When, understandably, both waited politely for the other to talk, Gibson said snidely, "Don't all speak at once."
For that matter, the running-mate question that Gibson made such a big deal over was decidedly not a big deal -- especially since Wolf Blitzer asked it during a previous debate televised and produced by CNN.
The boyish Stephanopoulos, who has done wonders with the network's Sunday morning hour, "This Week" (as, indeed, has Gibson with the nightly "World News"), looked like an overly ambitious intern helping out at a subcommittee hearing, digging through notes for something smart-alecky and slimy. He came up with such tired tripe as a charge that Obama once associated with a nutty bomb-throwing anarchist. That was "40 years ago, when I was 8 years old," Obama said with exasperation.
Obama was right on the money when he complained about the campaign being bogged down in media-driven inanities and obsessiveness over any misstatement a candidate might make along the way, whether in a speech or while being eavesdropped upon by the opposition. The tactic has been to "take one statement and beat it to death," he said.
No sooner was that said than Gibson brought up, yet again, the controversial ravings of the pastor at a church attended by Obama. "Charlie, I've discussed this," he said, and indeed he has, ad infinitum. If he tried to avoid repeating himself when clarifying his position, the networks would accuse him of changing his story, or changing his tune, or some other baloney.
This is precisely what has happened with widely reported comments that Obama made about working-class people "clinging" to religion and guns during these times of cynicism about their federal government.
"It's not the first time I made a misstatement that was mangled up, and it won't be the last," said Obama, with refreshing candor. But candor is dangerous in a national campaign, what with network newsniks waiting for mistakes or foul-ups like dogs panting for treats after performing a trick. The networks' trick is covering an election with as little emphasis on issues as possible, then blaming everyone else for failing to focus on "the issues."
Some news may have come out of the debate (ABC News will pretend it did a great job on today's edition of its soppy, soap-operatic "Good Morning America"). Asked point-blank if she thought Obama could defeat presumptive Republican contender John McCain in the general election, Clinton said, "Yes, yes, yes," in apparent contrast to previous remarks in which she reportedly told other Democrats that Obama could never win. And in turn, Obama said that Clinton could "absolutely" win against McCain.
To this observer, ABC's coverage seemed slanted against Obama. The director cut several times to reaction shots of such Clinton supporters as her daughter, Chelsea, who sat in the audience at the Kimmel Theater in Philly's National Constitution Center. Obama supporters did not get equal screen time, giving the impression that there weren't any in the hall. The director also clumsily chose to pan the audience at the very start of the debate, when the candidates made their opening statements, so Obama and Clinton were barely seen before the first commercial break.
At the end, Gibson pompously thanked the candidates -- or was he really patting himself on the back? -- for "what I think has been a fascinating debate." He's entitled to his opinion, but the most fascinating aspect was waiting to see how low he and Stephanopoulos would go, and then being appalled at the answer.

giant sucking sound

PHILADELPHIA (AP)—Tim Redding took a one-hitter into the eighth inning and Ryan Zimmerman hit a solo homer to help the Washington Nationals stay unbeaten with a 1-0 victory over the Philadelphia Phillies on Wednesday night.

I still love those cute turtles though -- hilarious!

News item: Comcast acknowledges that it hired people to take up room at an F.C.C. hearing into its practices.

dere is annudder doomsday direkkly behind dis one (cont'd)

News item — Illinois’ mass-transit agencies could lose up to more than $4 billion in federal money for capital improvements and service expansion programs could be doomed if Gov. Rod "Perfect Hair" Blagojevich fails to put more state dollars toward public transportation, two lawmakers warned Thursday.

U.S. Reps. Melissa Bean, D-Barrington, and Mark Kirk, R-Highland Park, sounded their alarm after hearing preliminary details of Gov. Blagojevich’s 2009 budget proposal...

Among the shortcomings, Ms. Bean said, was a plan to spend $1 billion over the next three years on improvement programs at the Chicago Transit Authority, Metra and Pace.

“That is $1.7 billion short,” she said... Illinois public transportation projects qualify for a total of $4.1 billion in federal funds for capital improvements, she said, but only if the state ponies up a total of $2.7 billion. The state has to provide 40% of the funding for each project in order to get the federal funds for the project.

“If we can’t find the additional dollars, we are going to leave the federal dollars on the table,” she said. “The money is there, but the money will be gone.”

huge dump taken at the United Center

New York 105
Chicago 100

Things That Continue to Suck

Big 10 football. Please, no more Fuckeyes in the championship game. Let's see, they didn't play one team (before yesterday) with fewer than 4 losses. They played a bunch of cupcakes out of conference (all you need to know is two of them were MAC teams). They lost to Illinois at home. (Like Ohio State, Illinois was crushed in their bowl game.) Seeing as they were blown out last year, it's no surprise (with an even lesser quality team) they were blown out this year.

Speaking of awful... in case you missed it, a MAC team (Blowing Green) lost 63-7 in their bowl game. And they lost to TULSA! It was the largest margin of victory in bowl history, topping Alabama's 61-6 win over Syracuse in the 1953 Orange Bowl (who could forget dat one?).

And you know there are at least twice as many bowl games than there should be when the Big 10 are in eight of them and the MAC are in three of them. And they were a combined 3-8.

dere is annudder doomsday directly behind dis one

Daley won't use Skyway money for CTA

(AP) — Chicago Mayor Richard Daley says he won't use the $1.8 billion windfall he generated by privatizing the Chicago Skyway to give a boost to Chicago Transit Authority funding.

Gov. Rod Blagojevich has suggested the idea of raiding Skyway funds for the CTA after twice coming up with short-term state funding fixes.

But Daley says it wouldn't be prudent for a city to sell assets to use them for its budget. Daley adds that if the governor wants to generate dollars for state infrastructure projects, he could follow the city's lead and lease the Illinois Tollway to a private contractor.

The problem of transit money has been on the legislative agenda for months. Transit officials say that without additional state aid, they'll be forced to make deep layoffs, service cuts and fare increases on Jan. 20.

something totally shocking (cont'd)

2008 already SUCKS

How much more will you pay for craft beer? "My suspicion is a buck a six-pack," says Hugh Sisson, president of Clipper City Brewing Co. in Baltimore...

Very hoppy beers might increase even more or just disappear from the market as the supply of prized aroma hops dries up.

Oh yeah, and the Cats are getting spanked. By Penn State.

how will they blow it?

Chicago 13
Minnesota 6
Halftime

I don't care -- I'm going to bed. I'll say dis dough... for all the talk of Grossman, the oh-fensive line is even more totally gross, man.

massive black hole emanating from United Center

Bulls take a Khryapa and slide thru it...

Toronto 101
Chicago 71
Final

Jamario Moon* was a surprise starter for the Raptors on Saturday, as they thumped the hapless Bulls. Moon had 12 points, six rebounds, three steals and one block in 23 minutes. He easily earned another start with this performance, although he got into foul trouble and will probably be inconsistent, statistically. Keep an eye on Moon, especially if you own the guy he replaced in the starting lineup, Jason Kapono.

*sounds like one of K-Mad's Kidz.

take dat, haters

Kent State 7 7 3 3 20
Northern Ill 7 14 3 3 27

In the last minute, Kent State was penalized for "disconcerting signals." I can't think of a more disconcerting signal than being less than a minute away from losing to the Huskies.

Basketball team down only 46-32 to UMass...