Saturday, May 26, 2007

finally, some good news

Edwin Jackson is being skipped in the rotation as a result of Saturday's rainout.

it might have been even earlier

"Nothing that has happened this year has altered my opinion that Piniella lost his mind somewhere around the second year of his tenure in Tampa Bay. I honestly think he does more harm than good at this point."
-- Matthew Pouliot, in his final article for before his untimely dismemberment.

Battle of the Managerial Idiot-Titans (cont'd)

Appearances at DH this year:

Jason Smifff, Ariz. 4
Rob Mackowiack, CWS 7

Smiff finds k-mad curse not so funny from da udder side

Chukar Cherries placed RHP Joakim Soria on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 23, with right shoulder inflammation.

Good thing I told Smiff to draft Nutsack or we wouldn't have any pitchers left at all.

NOT a k-madder

Diamondbacks placed infielder Jason Smifff on the 15-day disabled list because of a burst appendix.

D'backs officials are still trying to ascertain whether Smifff might have been hiding any previously unknown k-mad connections. Wait, come to think of it, he might have been a Smelt last year.

end of Chicago as we know it?

Breaking news: Severe weather warning issued

I mean, it's not like sKILLy to overreact.

apocomalypse sooner than anticipated

News item: Blue Jays' Halladay returning ahead of schedule

sounds like they've got it under control

"We're doing heavy fighting. This is a fight. There's a war on out there..."

take dat, HATERS!

S: A. Alfonseca (1)

we're all doomed

"A Gallup poll last year showed almost half of Americans believe that humans did not evolve but were created by God in their present form within the last 10,000 years."

New museum says dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark

Hey, i don't see dinosaurs in my bible...are they using "The Bible for Dummies"?

This is SO Cub (cont'd)

Bottom 8th: LA Dodgers
- B. Howry relieved M. Wuertz
- R. Martin singled to right
- L. Gonzalez singled to center, R. Martin to second
- T. Abreu singled to center, R. Martin to third, L. Gonzalez to second
- W. Ohman relieved B. Howry
- O. Saenz hit for A. Ethier
- O. Saenz singled to center, R. Martin scored, L. Gonzalez to third, T. Abreu to second
- A. Guzman relieved W. Ohman
- A. LaRoche hit for R. Seanez
- B. Clark ran for O. Saenz
- L. Gonzalez scored, T. Abreu to third, B. Clark to second on wild pitch
- A. LaRoche walked
- R. Furcal singled to left, T. Abreu scored, B. Clark to third, A. LaRoche to second
- J. Pierre hit sacrifice fly to center, B. Clark scored
- N. Garciaparra grounded into double play shortstop to second to first, R. Furcal out at second

4 runs, 5 hits, 0 errors
Chi Cubs 8, LA Dodgers 9

holy crap is he old

Jamie Moyer beat the Braves for the first time since May 23, 1987 by allowing three runs -- two earned -- in seven innings on Friday. Moyer had a couple of hits in three at-bats just to make sure he'd get the win. He had lost six straight decisions to Atlanta over the last 20 years.

Friday, May 25, 2007

A Heated Battle for the Basement!

11. Maddogs 101

12. Fightin' Bluestem 100

Welcome to the Not Me Decade Where No One is Responsible.

Josh Hancock's father is suing not only the bar where he was drinking the night he killed himself, but also the company that owned the tow truck that his drunk ass ran into, the driver of the tow truck, and the driver of the car that the tow truck was assisting. So let's see, the bar offered to get him a cab and he refused, but it's the bar's fault he drove drunk? The owner of the car that stalled should have kept the car in good enough condition so that it wouldn't stall requiring a tow truck to stop, the tow truck driver should have put flares in the road because drunks can't be expecting to see the flashing lights of the tow truck, and done the job more quickly so that there would have been nothing for the drunk to crash into. I imagine they'll add the woman to whom he was talking on his cell phone to the lawsuit because she distracted him from driving. But what do you expect to happen when inbred Mississippians and lawyers collide.

keyword: awful

Micah Owings went the distance for his first career complete game as the Diamondbacks pummeled the Astros 9-1 on Thursday.
The only disappointment was that he went 0-for-4 at the plate. Owings struck out eight and walked one. He was awful last week after the Diamondbacks opted to skip him in the rotation the week before, but he's a decent choice in NL-only leagues.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The next great Phillie? Mike Zagurski!

Dis guy is getting called up tomorrow. He's, well, large. Think: Terry Forster, Tub of Goo. Or maybe Decker on the mound in his hey day. I, for one, am excited. And he might actually be more than a LOOGY. His stats this year: 23 1/3 IP, 1.16 ERA, 6 BBs, 38 Ks, 0 HRs. Last year he struck out 75 in 56 1/3 and no HRs allowed. He's listed at 6 ft., 225 (translated: 5'10", 248).

Gary Swanciger: Communist

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AP) -- A flap over an outsized American flag and its flagpole has city officials and an auto dealership dueling over patriotism, advertising and neighborhood peace.

The city reports receiving more than 100 e-mail messages since the City Council last week ordered Towbin Hummer to take down its 100-foot flagpole. Most disagree with the council's decision.

Mayor Oscar Goodman blamed the dealership several miles west of the Las Vegas Strip for not keeping a promise to build a small veterans memorial with the tall pole.

"Get us a memorial, and then we can talk about a flag in excess of 40 feet," said Goodman, who last year endorsed letting the dealership exceed the city's 40-foot flagpole height restriction.

The Towbin Hummer flag isn't the biggest in town. The Terrible Herbst gasoline and convenience store chain has several American flags around the city measuring 30 feet by 50 feet on poles 100 feet tall, said Jim Smith, a purchasing agent.

Dealership owner Dan Towbin said his big flag, which at 30 feet by 60 feet is about the size of a competition volleyball court, fits his dealership.

"The building's oversized, the sign's oversized, the cars are oversized," he told the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

A Towbin aide said a concrete pedestal was being erected at the base of the flag for a plaque to honor veterans.

City spokesman Jace Radke said a City Council member could bring the issue up again. The next meeting is June 6.

Gary Swanciger, a resident who said the flapping of the big flag wakes him at night, said he thought the super-sized Stars and Stripes was designed more to attract customers than build patriotism.

Cholly musta ate a squirrel wid rabies...

While the Phillies intend to use a closer-by-committee with Brett Myers out, manager Charlie Manuel indicated that Antonio Alfonseca might be the favorite for save opportunities.
"Alfonseca has been pitching pretty good for us, and he's done that (job) before," Manuel said. Alfonseca has given up 10 earned runs in 8 2/3 innings over his last 10 appearances, so Manuel clearly isn't going by the dictionary definition of the word good. Pick Alfonseca up at your own risk.

Is Corms looking for a new place...and roommate?

Lies, Damned Lies
by Nate Silver
"I’m going through the process of finding a new apartment right now..."

Glad I'm in San Diego (despite the clouds)

I hope everyone is okay...

CTA unveils doomsday plan
Massive blaze is spreading
4 shot in dispute over double-parked car
Cicadas may pop up this weekend
Cubs getting tired of running in place
White Sox offense offends in loss
Suburban teen charged in mouse mutilations

dere goes da Smelts closer...Doh!

Reds optioned RHP Todd Coffey to Triple-A Louisville.

man, youz guyz are phokked

Here's anudder ting we don't got, or want...

Cicadas may pop up this weekend
So far, the great cicada invasion has been a trickle . . . but it's coming.
• Seen 'em yet? Report here
• In-depth: All cicadas, all the time
Video Photos Send yours Your tales

maybe because he's a giant @hole?

Did K-Mad back out?

Trump's tower trouble
In Chicago today, Donald Trump holds a news conference to try to reverse a slowdown in sales at the luxury skyscraper he's building.

yeah, that'll work

According to the Detroit News, the Phillies are among the teams interested in signing Troy Percival.
Percival was granted a release from his minor league coaching contract with the Angels, clearing him to begin his comeback. The Angels have said that they aren't interested, but the Tigers and Phillies have expressed interest publicly.

Elijah Dukes. A Real Winner.

It's not surprising that he went to the same high school as Jurassic Carl, Gary "Phokkwad" Sheffield, and Doc "Prescribe Me the Powder" Gooden.

Baseball & Chicago

God, some (most) Cubs fans are phokkin morons. I especially like the part where he says, "We cannot even beat the Padres right now for Gods sake." Yeah because they suck right? Moron.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

yep, dis looks like a K-Mad "perfect storm" scenario

Did Myers recently become a Chixx'zez?

Brett Myers had to come out early Wednesday with a strained right
shoulder. Uh oh. The Phils are going to take plenty of heat over this one after making the in-season switch of Myers from rotation to closer. Something must have been wrong as he was getting shelled for four hits, a walk and a hit batter, but when he threw a wild pitch, he instantly clutched at his arm just above his elbow, bolting off the field into the clubhouse. Tom Gordon is out for another week or two, so expect the Phils to turn to Ryan Madson to close should Myers' injury prove serious.

Oh, yeah. Madson. Kill me now.

i blame Decker

Or maybe he had a K-Mad flashback. Though in his defense this wan't a save sitation. Could happen to anyone. (By the way, where is Decker?)

Bottom 9th: Florida
- B. Myers relieved A. Alfonseca
- T. Linden hit for R. Messenger
- T. Linden singled to left
- A. Amezaga singled to left, T. Linden to second
- D. Uggla tripled to deep right, A. Amezaga and T. Linden scored
- H. Ramirez reached on fielder's choice, D. Uggla scored
- M. Cabrera struck out swinging
- J. Willingham hit by pitch, H. Ramirez to second
- R. Abercrombie ran for J. Willingham
- J. Hermida struck out swinging
- A. Boone singled to left, H. Ramirez scored, R. Abercrombie to second
- C. Ruiz catching
- R. Abercrombie to third, A. Boone to second on wild pitch
- C. Condrey relieved B. Myers
- M. Olivo walked
- T. Linden lined out to pitcher

4 runs, 4 hits, 0 errors
Philadelphia 7, Florida 7


Oprah Winfrey's father's tell-all book about her has been put on hold. I repeat, Oprah Winfrey's father's tell-all book about her has been put on hold. That was a close one, but I believe the republic has been saved. We can now concentrate our undivided attention on the next American Idol.

Tale of Two Cities

Chicago: 86º, partly sunny
San Diego: 63º, overcast

What do you call rich phokks who have others kill for them?

"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."--Rezzz-I-DUNCE G. Dumbya "Man-Child" Bush 5/19/03

And thank God, Jimbo's back!

Jim Thome (Monk! Fant! Triple Dog! Hillcrest Gray!) had a three-run homer and reached base all four times on Tuesday as the White Sox destroyed the A's. After singling, doubling, homering, walking, scoring twice and driving in five runs, it's safe to say that Thome is back. He's batting .351 with six homers, 15 RBI and 15 runs and looks ready to roll.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Real Rich Hill is back!

Bot 2nd: San Diego
- K. Kouzmanoff homered to deep right
Bot 3rd: San Diego
- M. Cameron homered to deep left
- A. Gonzalez homered to deep right
Bot 5th: San Diego
- M. Cameron homered to deep left

This is SO Cub Fan

Who should be next closer for the Cubs?
25.0% Ryan Dempster (149 responses)
16.4% Angel Guzman (98 responses)
13.6% Michael Wuertz (81 responses)
6.7% Bob Howry (40 responses)
38.4% Kerry Wood (229 responses)
597 total responses(Poll results are BRAIN DEAD)

Do dey know Wootz still can't touch his nose?

The Wisdom of Mr. Burns

NeifiPerez (Blacksburg, VA): Is Zambrano going to be this bad the whole season?

Nate Silver: What\'s been weird about Zambrano this season is that he seems to gain velocity as the game goes along ... he might be throwing 88-90 in the first inning and then he\'s dialed it up to 93-95 by the fifth. The Cubs might want to look at his off-day routines; maybe he\'s throwing too often or not enough. In the absence of other information, I\'d guess that he\'s a 4.00-4.20 ERA pitcher going forward.

Plouffe Watch

Double-A New Britain's Trevor Plouffe went 0-for-4 on Monday and is in a 1-for-15 slump.
Maybe the 2004 first-round pick's strong April was just a one-month aberration. He's hit .203/.259/.284 in May, dropping his OPS from 917 to 707. Also, he's been caught stealing five times in nine attempts, making his .306 OBP even worse than it looks.

If he keeps this up he might become unrosterable, even for K-Mad.

Shirley, they can't be serious.

Chicago's crappy newspapers (you know who dey are) are both reporting that the Cubs are preparing Angel Guzman to hopefully take over the closer role.
Current closer, Ryan Dempster, will reportedly serve as a mentor for Guzman the next several weeks as Dempster attempts to convert from closer to a starter....

As little as i think of Dump as a closer, he will certainly be more disastrous as a starter (see: the last time he was a starter*). Uh, why do they want to do this?? And if they feel Dempster should be in the rotation (again, WHY???--is he suddenly going to learn how to throw strikes?), why not make Howry or Wuertz the closer? Piniella wants to "create a closer" and hasten his heart attack and head back to Fox to be a talking idiot and....?

*More evidence:
Similar AWFUL Pitchers through Age 29
Ricky Bones (926)
Jamey Wright (923)
Jimmy Haynes (921)
Frank Castillo (917)
Bobo Newsom (917)
Kip Wells (917)
Jack Wilson (916)
Tom Griffin (915)
Bill Bonham (913)
Esteban Loaiza (912)

Monday, May 21, 2007

take dat, HATERS

Wyverns Livin' Large

B O O M !

Red Sox recalled RHP Manny Delcarmen from Triple-A Pawtucket.
Delcarmen had a 5.03 ERA and a 28/8 K/BB ratio in 19 2/3 innings for Pawtucket. He may hang around as a middle reliever until Josh Beckett comes off the DL.

more tragedy to strike

Cool weather to continue
The county's run of cool weather should continue for the next couple of days before slight warming midweek. A thick layer of low clouds will bring a chance of drizzle tonight and Tuesday morning.

was Kramer unavailable?

Commencement Speakers (cont'd)

Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
June 15, 2007
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, star of The New Adventures of Old Christine on CBS

Rockland Community College
Suffern, New York
June 03, 2007
Fred Caruso, chief executive of Caruso Group International, a management firm
Nicholas (and Smiff Has) Hair, a graduating senior at the college

if dey were smart enough to deserve enough money to eat dey wudda stayed outta da military and worked for Blackwater

and, oh yeah... dey can go phokk dereselves...

zero brain activity

"I don't know who Ernie Banks is, but I hope he was a good guy. I'm like him, I hope."--Red Sox pitcher Julian Tavarez

expect fewer delays...

as long as you leave for work by 4:45 am.

'3-track nightmare' really no big deal
Rezzz-i-DUNCE has fleeting non-idiotic moment
Horror hurlers 'hale and hearty'

Russ Ortiz is not happy.

Russ Ortiz (elbow, totally sucking) is expected to be activated from the disabled list on Monday and join the bullpen, a move that he is not happy about making.
"I'm not very happy about having to do that, but I don't make those decisions," Ortiz said. "The way Timmy Lincecum has pitched his last two outings, that's going to be a huge help if he can continue that. So I go to the 'pen and see where I fit in." He is expected to be used in everything from long-relief to a set-up man while he is in the bullpen. Also, sucking a lot.

road trip?

Prepare to believe. Opening in 6 days, 22 hours, 31 minutes, 58 seconds.

we hatesez him (cont'd)

Dan Johnson knocked in Oakland's only run on Sunday as the Athletics lost to the Giants by a score of 4-1.

This Johnson kid just will not stop hitting. Over his last 18 games, Johnson is hitting .379 with five homers and 14 RBI to solidify his spot in the everyday lineup for the A's. What makes this performance even more impressive is the fact that Johnson hit only .234 with nine homers last year because of vision problems caused by an accident where he shot suntan lotion in his eye (that was SO k-mad). He is obviously fully recovered from that.

no punch line

News item: Khaldoon al-Khazaal fled his job as celebrity chef on Good Morning Iraq after someone tried to kidnap and kill him...