Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call

How do they keep doing it?

Derek Jeter Honored For Having Fewer Hits Than Harold Baines

Roster-Depleted Bears Sign Tire Swing For Cutler To Throw To

CHICAGO—Anticipating that new Bears quarterback Jay Cutler will need more targets than converted cornerback Devin Hester and undersized journeyman Rashied Davis—the only receivers on their squad who have ever caught an NFL pass—the Chicago Bears signed a tire swing to their roster Tuesday. "We are expecting great things from this tire swing once the tire and Cutler get some practice time and develop some chemistry," receivers coach Darryl Drake said of the six-year-old Goodyear all-season radial suspended from a tree branch by a 7-foot length of rope. "This could easily be the best quarterback-receiver duo in recent Bears history." Analysts say that, while the move is somewhat unorthodox, Chicago was prudent in passing on veteran free agents Amani Toomer and Joe Jurevicius in favor of offering the tire swing a 3-year, $2.4 million contract.
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Fuck-Rod Wondering What Permutation Of His Name Will Be Used For Steroid Story

MIAMI—Alex "Fuck-Rod" Rodriguez, who has been given many unflattering nicknames by the press during the course of an eventful and turbulent career, found himself wondering what unflattering sobriquet he would be awarded for lying about his steroid use. "I really didn't like being called 'A-Fraud' by my teammates," Stupid-Goddamned-Son-of-a-Bitch-Rod told sources Wednesday. "That was hurtful, and reading it in Joe Torre's book was a real letdown." As of press time, Lying-Prick-Rod was unavailable for comment, as he was busy falsely accusing Sports Illustrated reporter Selena Roberts of trying to break into the Coral Gables mansion in which Complete-and-Total-Sack-of-Flaming-Fucking-Shit-with-Tiny-Shriveled-Balls-Rod currently resides.
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Mac vs PC (cont)

Yep.

Republican Party, Average Working Joe Bid One Another Adieu Until 2012
November 4, 2008 Issue 44•45

WASHINGTON—As the 2008 presidential campaign came to a close Tuesday, the Republican Party and the average American hard working Joe bid each other a fond farewell at a small rally in Pennsylvania, vowing to meet once again, as scheduled, at the dawn of the next election season. "The Republican Party wishes to thank the Joe for his cooperation and faithful support, and we look forward to acknowledging his needs again in 2012," said GOP representative Luke Hayes, moments before getting in a car and heading back to Washington. "Until then, old friend, we'd just like to say happy trails to you and best of luck." Representatives for the average working Joe reported that the time spent together had likewise been a pleasure, even though he did not actually get around to voting this year.
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Spoiler alert: McCain wins

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

T. Herman Zweibel again - suddenly he's the most relevant force on da internets

THZ: I should God damned well hope that there will also be prettily-colored pictures, or else the average American citizen will not be able to keep his eye on it for more than a few heart-beats, and it would be better yet if there were accompanying photos of ample heaving bosoms.

Tribune: Why is the newspaper redesigning?

Consumers’ reading habits have evolved, so we are reinventing the Chicago Tribune based on what readers have told us about their lifestyles, how they use the newspaper and what they want from it... Also, the former Tempo features section will be renamed, Live! It will focus on entertainment and pop culture and feature reviews, TV listings, comics and puzzles, plus weather on the back page and movie content on Fridays.

What happened to the Business section?

The Business section will no longer be freestanding, except on Sunday.

another hit coming for the economy...

Not to mention the LoC makeover...


Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse

Phil Gramm was right!

It is all mental...

Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In

Massively, Earth Shattering News

Mark Cuban Buys Sports

The Onion runs out of ideas, rips off K-Mad's reality...can he sue?

Really are they spying on us? This almost reads like our chat tonight...WORD FOR WORD.

Fantasy Baseball Owner Rips Team In Media

BROOKLYN, NY—Mark Mendicus, 26-year-old Staples employee and principal owner of the fantasy baseball team Beat With Uggla Stick, blasted his underperforming team in the media Monday, going so far as to single out individual players, criticize their recent play, and question their commitment to winning.

"They all suck," a visibly frustrated Mendicus told reporters following Beat With Uggla Stick's head-to-head 8-2 loss to division rivals The Mark Currys. "[Alex] Rios sucks, Delmon [Young] sucks, Pedro [Martinez] fucking sucks. Everybody on my team sucks."

"The Beat With Uggla Sticks have a proud tradition of winning," continued Mendicus, whose team has made the playoffs the past two years, including a league championship win in 2006. "But apparently that means nothing to this group of players. Apparently they'd rather just lose every single 5x5 category. Apparently my players don't care about winning the 12-team Yahoo! Plus 'Mmm…Fantasy Baseball' league pennant as much as I do."

Mendicus had high expectations for his team coming into the season, but his players have been plagued by injuries and inconsistency, losing six of their first eight matchups en route to a 22-46-14 overall record. The historically temperamental owner did not hold back his opinions after their latest humiliating defeat, telling the New York Post that Prince Fielder "had better start hitting some fucking home runs already" before making several vicious personal attacks on the first baseman, calling him a "fatass," a "fat bastard," and a "fat fuck" in the course of one statement.

"I paid $38 for [Fielder], and this is what I get?" Mendicus said, directing reporters' attention to Fielder's "putrid" Yahoo! Game Log. "Twelve home runs. Twelve goddamn home runs. When you pay $38 for a guy, you had better give them a hell of a lot more than 12 home runs through the first half. I got you for your power, buddy, not your walks. This is a batting average league, anyway, not an on-base percentage league, so walks don't fucking matter. It's like these guys don't understand that."

Mendicus continued his heated rant, calling shortstop Felipe Lopez a "talentless hack whose multiple position eligibility is the only thing saving his ass from waivers," claiming that pitcher Ian Snell is "killing [him] in WHIP, absolutely killing [him]," and encouraging outfielder Brad Hawpe to "go eat shit." He then accused the whole team of not stealing enough bases and "not playing like true Beat With Uggla Sticks."

He did, however, reserve some praise for hot-hitting second baseman Dan Uggla upon learning that Uggla homered twice that day, saying, "That's you, Danny."

With his team already down 9-1 in this week's matchup against Gary Sheffield's Head Vein, Mendicus issued an ultimatum, claiming that unless his team delivers at least a tie, there will "be some changes around here." Mendicus said that "no one is safe," and had particularly strong words for pitcher Chris Young, who three weeks ago was hit in the face with a line drive and has not made a single start since.

"Toughen up, you little baby," Mendicus said. "You don't throw with your face, do you? I already got Phil [Hughes] in the DL slot, so you better get your ass back in action."

Mendicus has a reputation for following his players' performance with intense scrutiny and personal investment, often to a fanatical degree. It is rumored that he monitors their progress on multiple Yahoo! Sports box score windows on his computer screen, and will erupt into obscenity-laden tirades at work after a mere groundout or caught stealing.

"Fuck you Edwin, you good-for-nothing piece of shit," Mendicus was overheard as saying while angrily clicking the "Refresh" button on his web browser 14 times after pitcher Edwin Jackson loaded the bases with three straight walks. "Throw the ball over the goddamn plate. I need a win here, you idiot. I'm getting killed in wins."

For some players on Mendicus' team, the demand for instant results, the constant threats to be released or traded, and the nonstop verbal abuse is too much. Pitcher Jeremy Guthrie has been dropped and picked up by Mendicus seven times already this season, and he says he doesn't like playing under such volatile conditions.

"I wish he'd have a little faith in me," Guthrie said. "I don't like being picked up the night before my start and then simply dropped the next day. It wears on you as a player. And now I have to explain myself to my kids when they read in the papers that their daddy is a 'shit-for-brains asshole who can't even get five strikeouts when that's all we needed to win the category.'"

"I'm sorry, but when I have runners on first and third and one out, I'm going to go for the double play to get out of the inning, not the strikeout," Guthrie added. "Even though they don't give out 'points' for double plays."

Some players, however, praised Mendicus for his fiery attitude and desire to win, saying they prefer that to the kind of owners who treat their fantasy teams like nothing more than a fun distraction from their real jobs.

"It's good that he cares," said Beat With Uggla Stick catcher Jorge Posada. "Some owners, like Garrett Baldwin of the Smilin' Joe Randas, or Mike Broberg of Tiny Damon, they just sort of check in every once in a while to see how we're doing, but that's it. In fact, I've been on the Tiny Damon's bench since I went on the DL in April, and they don't even have anyone in the catcher slot. That's just shoddy ownership."

"But there's also a thing called caring too much," Posada added. "You can only be called a worthless shitbag after popping out so many times before it starts to sting. It's at the point where playing for Mendicus is almost as bad as playing for Hank Steinbrenner.

offered without comment

Furious Ozzie Guillen's Lineup Card Full Of Expletives

Well, it was on Foxsports.com...

Found this link on the Fire Joe Morgan site. I didn't know that msn.foxsports.com stood for "The Onion" in sports journalism. And we all know what we think about sports journalism...

Will get a Fox noise label even if it's not quite Fox noise since it's noise coming out of Fox...

American Ingenuity (cont)

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

The Onion pays homage

Zimbabwe
Driven From A Land That Was Wrongfully Theirs

turning the corner (cont'd)

Not-So-Horrible Thing Happens In Iraq
Status Upgraded From Terrifying To Awful

BAGHDAD—In a development Pentagon officials are calling not nearly as horrifying as usual, three car bombs ripped through a Baghdad marketplace Monday, killing fewer than 15 innocent civilians, severely injuring no more than 30, and merely maiming one U.S. soldier.

Sarge with no beard?

From Da Onion...