Only Ranger made the playoffs this year, with Smiff missing out on point differential, Sarge & Corporal a game out and the less said about Fung & Corms the better. Since we went to a 10 team league team, apparently there's no consolation bracket for 9th and 10th. So Fung & Corms are done. Finished. Outta dere. Their suckage and stinkage was absolute. They did manage to win once or twice, including going 1-1 against each other. But boy did they suck. So Fung will not have tales of lore about this season. Someone else will have to do that. Now to focus on basketball, where Briggs is obviously like 50 poi... hold on, I'm being told that somehow Smiff leads the league. I give up.
Not mentioned: K-Mad (too sexy for Fantasy Football), Briggs (lifetime Parcer, rejecter of any and all other leagues, despite innumerable coercive efforts, he will not join your league, got it?)
Showing posts with label How to Suck at Roto. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How to Suck at Roto. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
on the plus side, this is the first person he's hit with a bat all season
Elijah Dukes is day-to-day after his leg cramped up during Saturday's game.
Dukes was benched to start the contest after showing up late, but he entered in the sixth. In the eighth, he managed to hit himself in the leg with the bat while grounding out, causing the cramp.
Dukes was benched to start the contest after showing up late, but he entered in the sixth. In the eighth, he managed to hit himself in the leg with the bat while grounding out, causing the cramp.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Onion runs out of ideas, rips off K-Mad's reality...can he sue?
Really are they spying on us? This almost reads like our chat tonight...WORD FOR WORD.
BROOKLYN, NY—Mark Mendicus, 26-year-old Staples employee and principal owner of the fantasy baseball team Beat With Uggla Stick, blasted his underperforming team in the media Monday, going so far as to single out individual players, criticize their recent play, and question their commitment to winning.
"They all suck," a visibly frustrated Mendicus told reporters following Beat With Uggla Stick's head-to-head 8-2 loss to division rivals The Mark Currys. "[Alex] Rios sucks, Delmon [Young] sucks, Pedro [Martinez] fucking sucks. Everybody on my team sucks."
"The Beat With Uggla Sticks have a proud tradition of winning," continued Mendicus, whose team has made the playoffs the past two years, including a league championship win in 2006. "But apparently that means nothing to this group of players. Apparently they'd rather just lose every single 5x5 category. Apparently my players don't care about winning the 12-team Yahoo! Plus 'Mmm…Fantasy Baseball' league pennant as much as I do."
Mendicus had high expectations for his team coming into the season, but his players have been plagued by injuries and inconsistency, losing six of their first eight matchups en route to a 22-46-14 overall record. The historically temperamental owner did not hold back his opinions after their latest humiliating defeat, telling the New York Post that Prince Fielder "had better start hitting some fucking home runs already" before making several vicious personal attacks on the first baseman, calling him a "fatass," a "fat bastard," and a "fat fuck" in the course of one statement.
"I paid $38 for [Fielder], and this is what I get?" Mendicus said, directing reporters' attention to Fielder's "putrid" Yahoo! Game Log. "Twelve home runs. Twelve goddamn home runs. When you pay $38 for a guy, you had better give them a hell of a lot more than 12 home runs through the first half. I got you for your power, buddy, not your walks. This is a batting average league, anyway, not an on-base percentage league, so walks don't fucking matter. It's like these guys don't understand that."
Mendicus continued his heated rant, calling shortstop Felipe Lopez a "talentless hack whose multiple position eligibility is the only thing saving his ass from waivers," claiming that pitcher Ian Snell is "killing [him] in WHIP, absolutely killing [him]," and encouraging outfielder Brad Hawpe to "go eat shit." He then accused the whole team of not stealing enough bases and "not playing like true Beat With Uggla Sticks."
He did, however, reserve some praise for hot-hitting second baseman Dan Uggla upon learning that Uggla homered twice that day, saying, "That's you, Danny."
With his team already down 9-1 in this week's matchup against Gary Sheffield's Head Vein, Mendicus issued an ultimatum, claiming that unless his team delivers at least a tie, there will "be some changes around here." Mendicus said that "no one is safe," and had particularly strong words for pitcher Chris Young, who three weeks ago was hit in the face with a line drive and has not made a single start since.
"Toughen up, you little baby," Mendicus said. "You don't throw with your face, do you? I already got Phil [Hughes] in the DL slot, so you better get your ass back in action."
Mendicus has a reputation for following his players' performance with intense scrutiny and personal investment, often to a fanatical degree. It is rumored that he monitors their progress on multiple Yahoo! Sports box score windows on his computer screen, and will erupt into obscenity-laden tirades at work after a mere groundout or caught stealing.
"Fuck you Edwin, you good-for-nothing piece of shit," Mendicus was overheard as saying while angrily clicking the "Refresh" button on his web browser 14 times after pitcher Edwin Jackson loaded the bases with three straight walks. "Throw the ball over the goddamn plate. I need a win here, you idiot. I'm getting killed in wins."
For some players on Mendicus' team, the demand for instant results, the constant threats to be released or traded, and the nonstop verbal abuse is too much. Pitcher Jeremy Guthrie has been dropped and picked up by Mendicus seven times already this season, and he says he doesn't like playing under such volatile conditions.
"I wish he'd have a little faith in me," Guthrie said. "I don't like being picked up the night before my start and then simply dropped the next day. It wears on you as a player. And now I have to explain myself to my kids when they read in the papers that their daddy is a 'shit-for-brains asshole who can't even get five strikeouts when that's all we needed to win the category.'"
"I'm sorry, but when I have runners on first and third and one out, I'm going to go for the double play to get out of the inning, not the strikeout," Guthrie added. "Even though they don't give out 'points' for double plays."
Some players, however, praised Mendicus for his fiery attitude and desire to win, saying they prefer that to the kind of owners who treat their fantasy teams like nothing more than a fun distraction from their real jobs.
"It's good that he cares," said Beat With Uggla Stick catcher Jorge Posada. "Some owners, like Garrett Baldwin of the Smilin' Joe Randas, or Mike Broberg of Tiny Damon, they just sort of check in every once in a while to see how we're doing, but that's it. In fact, I've been on the Tiny Damon's bench since I went on the DL in April, and they don't even have anyone in the catcher slot. That's just shoddy ownership."
"But there's also a thing called caring too much," Posada added. "You can only be called a worthless shitbag after popping out so many times before it starts to sting. It's at the point where playing for Mendicus is almost as bad as playing for Hank Steinbrenner.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
my work here is ongoing
5/24 12:48 pm: Buster Olney wrote in his blog that there are whispers that Johan Santana isn't the pitcher that he once was due to declining velocity, according to ESPN. Said one unnamed AL scout Santana's "...stuff isn't even close to what it was [with the Twins]."
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Here we go!
From Rotoworld to us mortals:
Rich Harden is slated to start Saturday after being scratched from his scheduled start Tuesday.
There's still been no reason given for his absence. It might not be an injury if they've already scheduled his return. Chad Gaudin will face the Blue Jays tomorrow. Apr. 7 - 10:55 pm et
And the Cyclones season begins drifting off course...
Rich Harden is slated to start Saturday after being scratched from his scheduled start Tuesday.
There's still been no reason given for his absence. It might not be an injury if they've already scheduled his return. Chad Gaudin will face the Blue Jays tomorrow. Apr. 7 - 10:55 pm et
And the Cyclones season begins drifting off course...
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
finally some good news for da whiners out deres
Cowboys coach Wade Phillips said the teams training staff is optimistic about the status of Tony Romo for Week 16. "They [trainers] think he is going to be all right," said Phillips, who said he was unsure if Romo would need to wear a brace in practice on his injured thumb. The Cowboys play at the Panthers on Saturday.
Don't expect New England to rest Tom Brady against Miami next week until very late in the game.
Bears OC Ron Turner expects Kyle Orton to remain the team's starting QB for the final two weeks. Hopefully fantasy owners have better QB2 options than Orton, who directed a Bears offense that produced little on Monday night and next face a stingy Packers defense.
Don't expect New England to rest Tom Brady against Miami next week until very late in the game.
Bears OC Ron Turner expects Kyle Orton to remain the team's starting QB for the final two weeks. Hopefully fantasy owners have better QB2 options than Orton, who directed a Bears offense that produced little on Monday night and next face a stingy Packers defense.
Commando Style
In which Fungster considers ritual suicide after his humiliation...
Sarge,
It was all lined up for us. We got the opponents we wanted. Our quarterbacks had the right matchups. 50 points in the bank. Then all we needed was our superior running backs and wide receivers to do their job. Then it would have been the clash of the titans in the final. One more match to decide it all.
At least you made it close. My humiliation was total. My total team output was the worst of the season. Oh sure, it would have beaten Corporal about half the time, but I wasn't playing the Corporal. This was the playoffs. This is when you're supposed to bring it. And my team brought nothing. Absolutely nothing.
But who's to blame? You could look at the fact that my first and second round picks are out for the season with injuries. But the team went on without them, scoring more points than anyone else. Or how about picks 3, 4 and 5, who had 23 points combined, where they should have had 80. They were the leaders of the team, and they led them to a shipwreck. Of titanic proportions.
Smiff says it was an act of God. Well, why has God forsaken us? What did we do wrong? What did Smiff do right? What must Corms do to avoid God's wrath? Maybe I should go to God, talk to him, get the scoop.
Just then, God appeared. "My son, what is troubling you so?"
"Why have you forsaken us? Why did you let the non-believer win?"
"Well, do you remember last night's game?"
"Vaguely"
"In the last two minutes, when Orton let fly?"
"I do remember that."
"What happened?"
"The ball was intercepted by Minnesota"
"And why did that happen?"
"Er, because we suck?"
"No. Because the Minnesota defender went and seized the ball. The Chicago wide receiver waited for the ball and it never arrived."
"And this is relevant how?"
"Smiff won because he went out and seized the victory from your jaws. You just sat on your team and hoped they would win. He knew his team sucked so he went out there and got the players he needed to achieve victory."
"So I should drop all my players and get all new ones?"
"No, you should have players that seize the day, not ones that rest on their laurels."
"Ok, still a little confused, but I think I get it."
"Great! Oh, one more thing."
"Yes?"
"You should probably call 911."
I looked down to see a huge sword through my chest.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"
Just then, I woke up. Phew. Was it all a dream? Did I just dream about losing to Smiff and my team had really won? I dashed for the laptop, fired up the browser and, crap. Still lost. But now I had a message to relay to Corms from God. I had purpose once more. A reason to live. Till next week anyway...
Always your friend,
Fungster
Sarge,
It was all lined up for us. We got the opponents we wanted. Our quarterbacks had the right matchups. 50 points in the bank. Then all we needed was our superior running backs and wide receivers to do their job. Then it would have been the clash of the titans in the final. One more match to decide it all.
At least you made it close. My humiliation was total. My total team output was the worst of the season. Oh sure, it would have beaten Corporal about half the time, but I wasn't playing the Corporal. This was the playoffs. This is when you're supposed to bring it. And my team brought nothing. Absolutely nothing.
But who's to blame? You could look at the fact that my first and second round picks are out for the season with injuries. But the team went on without them, scoring more points than anyone else. Or how about picks 3, 4 and 5, who had 23 points combined, where they should have had 80. They were the leaders of the team, and they led them to a shipwreck. Of titanic proportions.
Smiff says it was an act of God. Well, why has God forsaken us? What did we do wrong? What did Smiff do right? What must Corms do to avoid God's wrath? Maybe I should go to God, talk to him, get the scoop.
Just then, God appeared. "My son, what is troubling you so?"
"Why have you forsaken us? Why did you let the non-believer win?"
"Well, do you remember last night's game?"
"Vaguely"
"In the last two minutes, when Orton let fly?"
"I do remember that."
"What happened?"
"The ball was intercepted by Minnesota"
"And why did that happen?"
"Er, because we suck?"
"No. Because the Minnesota defender went and seized the ball. The Chicago wide receiver waited for the ball and it never arrived."
"And this is relevant how?"
"Smiff won because he went out and seized the victory from your jaws. You just sat on your team and hoped they would win. He knew his team sucked so he went out there and got the players he needed to achieve victory."
"So I should drop all my players and get all new ones?"
"No, you should have players that seize the day, not ones that rest on their laurels."
"Ok, still a little confused, but I think I get it."
"Great! Oh, one more thing."
"Yes?"
"You should probably call 911."
I looked down to see a huge sword through my chest.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"
Just then, I woke up. Phew. Was it all a dream? Did I just dream about losing to Smiff and my team had really won? I dashed for the laptop, fired up the browser and, crap. Still lost. But now I had a message to relay to Corms from God. I had purpose once more. A reason to live. Till next week anyway...
Always your friend,
Fungster
Phokking Phantasy Phootball
Phinal
(4) S#i+ Blowing Up
(3) BOO
Da rubbermatch between dese 2, who don't deserve to be in da final. But dey're dere. So suck it, the rest of us. U'd better phokking win Corms. Though it might be amusing to see Smiff wear da Bears T-Shirt, beaming in all his glory...
Bronze Medal Yahoo Trophy Winning Who Gives A Phokking Crap Matchup
(1) Defending Negro
(2) NFL Players Assoc
Buncha Choke Artists. Once again the "It's hard to beat a team 3 times in a season" adage comes back to bite dese 2 in the @$$. In which case Sarge is a shoo in...
The Matchup That Everyone Will Be Watching
(8) TheRobot Cockroaches
(7) Fortress America
Corporal has lost 13 in a row. Ranger has lost 5 in a row and 10 of 11, his only win in that stretch coming against Corporal's Cockroaches. Ranger lost last week in a matchup where both teams failed to break the century mark, the only time that's happened all season. Something has to give. Both teams score over 200 in this one. Somehow.
You know what else is phokking ridiculous? Apparently there's a limit to the number of labels you can put in, well, there's a limit in characters anyway. Dis coulda used soooooooooooooo many more labels...
(4) S#i+ Blowing Up
(3) BOO
Da rubbermatch between dese 2, who don't deserve to be in da final. But dey're dere. So suck it, the rest of us. U'd better phokking win Corms. Though it might be amusing to see Smiff wear da Bears T-Shirt, beaming in all his glory...
Bronze Medal Yahoo Trophy Winning Who Gives A Phokking Crap Matchup
(1) Defending Negro
(2) NFL Players Assoc
Buncha Choke Artists. Once again the "It's hard to beat a team 3 times in a season" adage comes back to bite dese 2 in the @$$. In which case Sarge is a shoo in...
The Matchup That Everyone Will Be Watching
(8) TheRobot Cockroaches
(7) Fortress America
Corporal has lost 13 in a row. Ranger has lost 5 in a row and 10 of 11, his only win in that stretch coming against Corporal's Cockroaches. Ranger lost last week in a matchup where both teams failed to break the century mark, the only time that's happened all season. Something has to give. Both teams score over 200 in this one. Somehow.
You know what else is phokking ridiculous? Apparently there's a limit to the number of labels you can put in, well, there's a limit in characters anyway. Dis coulda used soooooooooooooo many more labels...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
LoC Members all over American Utopia
Semifinal
(1) Defending Negro
(4) S#i+ Blowing Up
Smiff out for revenge after last years final when all his players went on vacation because their teams were in the playoffs and wah wa wah wah wah. Fung trying to beat Smiff for the 3rd time this year and 4th in a row to make his 2nd straight final. So, we will have a repeat finalist...
Semifinal
(2) NFL Players Assoc.
(3) Bring on Orton
Sarge misses out on 1st seed by .25 of a point on Colston's last and irrelevant reception. He gets rewarded by taking on Corms, who he is 2-0 against this year, instead of Smiff, who he's 1-1 against. These teams battled it out for 7th place last year, with Corms coming out on top. So, two Cinderella stories, one gets to the ball, the other stays in the pumpkin...
Not featured: K-Mad (too sexy for Fantasy Football), Ranger (tanked), Corporal (s#i++ies+ team ever).
(1) Defending Negro
(4) S#i+ Blowing Up
Smiff out for revenge after last years final when all his players went on vacation because their teams were in the playoffs and wah wa wah wah wah. Fung trying to beat Smiff for the 3rd time this year and 4th in a row to make his 2nd straight final. So, we will have a repeat finalist...
Semifinal
(2) NFL Players Assoc.
(3) Bring on Orton
Sarge misses out on 1st seed by .25 of a point on Colston's last and irrelevant reception. He gets rewarded by taking on Corms, who he is 2-0 against this year, instead of Smiff, who he's 1-1 against. These teams battled it out for 7th place last year, with Corms coming out on top. So, two Cinderella stories, one gets to the ball, the other stays in the pumpkin...
Not featured: K-Mad (too sexy for Fantasy Football), Ranger (tanked), Corporal (s#i++ies+ team ever).
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
dumbest drop since i dumped Troy Tulowitski
Devin Harris hit 9-of-10 shots for 22 points and added six assists as the Mavericks broke a three-game losing streak with a win over the Wolves. Harris is in the midst of a breakout season and should keep producing solid fantasy numbers all year.
Corms, how is J.R. Smiff working out?
Corms, how is J.R. Smiff working out?
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Fungster Surges...
...While Smiff Fades...
Rank Team Points Pts Change
T7. Fung's Globetrotters 65 8
9. Rochester Zeniths 64.5 -1.5
Rank Team Points Pts Change
T7. Fung's Globetrotters 65 8
9. Rochester Zeniths 64.5 -1.5
Monday, November 19, 2007
How will S#i+ Blowing Up choke?
| 122.90 | Match Up | |
| 122.35 |
Needing .56 of a point, I can use either Selvin Young or Travis Henry tonight, depending on who might start. So here are some things that can happen:
1) They share a cab to the stadium, are involved in a traffic accident and miss the game.
2) On the Broncos' first play, Young is tackled, fumbles, and breaks both of his ankles.
3) Henry is suspended by the NFL for marijuana, coke, steroids, HGH, the cream and the clear, flaxseed oil, caffeine, having the wrong colored shoelaces, and "making it rain" during a triple-homicide. He is also hit with two more paternity suits, and decides to miss the game to impregnate another woman rather than Broncos' scoreboard.
4) An asteroid strikes Denver.
5) All of the above.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Just figured this one out myself...
Aug 18 Drew has been unable to recapture the hitting success he enjoyed last season, MLB.com reports.
Recommendation: After hitting .316 with 25 extra-base hits in 209 at-bats last year, Drew entered Friday's game with a .232 batting average and a .175 mark in August. On the plus side, he hasn't allowed the struggles at the plate to carry over into the field. "The biggest thing for me is to keep playing defense the way I have been," he said. "The hitting is there. I'm not worried about that". Thus far, Arizona has shown no inclination to sit their shortstop while his season-long tailspin continues unabated.
MLB.com - you can count on them to be right on top of these things...but you have to love the plug for the importance of defense...
Recommendation: After hitting .316 with 25 extra-base hits in 209 at-bats last year, Drew entered Friday's game with a .232 batting average and a .175 mark in August. On the plus side, he hasn't allowed the struggles at the plate to carry over into the field. "The biggest thing for me is to keep playing defense the way I have been," he said. "The hitting is there. I'm not worried about that". Thus far, Arizona has shown no inclination to sit their shortstop while his season-long tailspin continues unabated.
MLB.com - you can count on them to be right on top of these things...but you have to love the plug for the importance of defense...
The New Face of Tommy John?
From Rotoworld...
Cole Hamels will miss his scheduled start Wednesday because of a mild MCL strain in his left elbow.
Uh oh. Whether it wrecks their postseason chances or not, the Phillies need to be very cautious here. Team physician Michael Ciccotti said Hamels could miss one to three weeks, pending the results of an MRI. The Phillies will move up the rest of the rotation one day and go with J.D. Durbin on Wednesday. They could call up J.A. Happ to start Saturday, but a trade for Steve Trachsel or someone similar will have to be considered. Aug. 21 - 8:33 pm et
This, of course, is bad news for Smiff. But then again, it's partially his fault. If he hadn't just offered me Gallardo straight up for Hamels, thus dooming me to say no and watch my best starter then disappear for a year and a half, he would have been fine.
Cole Hamels will miss his scheduled start Wednesday because of a mild MCL strain in his left elbow.
Uh oh. Whether it wrecks their postseason chances or not, the Phillies need to be very cautious here. Team physician Michael Ciccotti said Hamels could miss one to three weeks, pending the results of an MRI. The Phillies will move up the rest of the rotation one day and go with J.D. Durbin on Wednesday. They could call up J.A. Happ to start Saturday, but a trade for Steve Trachsel or someone similar will have to be considered. Aug. 21 - 8:33 pm et
This, of course, is bad news for Smiff. But then again, it's partially his fault. If he hadn't just offered me Gallardo straight up for Hamels, thus dooming me to say no and watch my best starter then disappear for a year and a half, he would have been fine.
Smiff looking out for you guys
Five rules to win a fantasy football league
Someone forward to Adam - he appears to be even more clueless than Decker.
Someone forward to Adam - he appears to be even more clueless than Decker.
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