The real f'n Chicago Cubs are back!

I was getting a little worried along about the 7th inning last night when suddenly the Cubs appeared...

CHICAGO -- Vance Worley dominated over eight innings, Jimmy Rollins homered from both sides of the plate and the Philadelphia Phillies pounded Ryan Dempster and the Chicago Cubs 9-1 on a scorching Wednesday at Wrigley Field...

But finally some good news...

Alfonso Soriano remained ice-cold Wednesday, going 0-for-3 against the Phillies.

Soriano has opened the second half 1-for-21, and his average has dropped from .270 on June 30 to .249 now. On the plus side, he's only signed through 2014.

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Republicans and the thinking problem

Eight in 10 Republicans in a new Washington Post-ABC News poll say a default would cause serious harm to the economy, but just 30 percent say it’s essential to raise the limit in a contemporaneous Pew Research Center poll. And 47 percent of Republicans in a new NBC/WSJ poll say that not raising the debt limit would be a "real and serious problem."

Epic Photo

From a BBC story on - well, I'll let you guess...

Ozzie Guillen would like a lineup of 100 of these players...

...including himself!

The 100 Worst Baseball Players Of All Time: A Celebration

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Still true, 4 years later...

Watching a South Park from 2007. Stan & Kyle meet Jay Cutler, then the Broncos QB, at a party. Stan says to him "Well, you kinda suck, but my Dad says you might be great one day!" We're still waiting...

Lies, damn lies, and statistics (cont)

Realty trade group overreported Chicago home prices - chicagotribune.com

This sack of shit makes $19 million a year???!!!

“There isn’t a player that I’m more proud of in the last 15 years than Derek Jeter. He has played the game like it should be played,” Bud Selig said. “He’s even been a better human being off the field, as great as he is on the field. So any concerns I keep hearing about Derek Jeter isn’t here. I respect that. And I must tell you, I think I’d have made the same decision that Derek Jeter did. So any suggestion to the contrary, Derek Jeter has brought to this sport great pride. He’s become a role model, earned it and is still earning it.”

But YOU said the All Star Game counts, it matters! But no one wants to play in the thing. Which...YOU seem cool with! ANOTHER YEAR OF THIS INCOMPETENCE? FUCK! Jesus H. Christ, George W. Fucking Bush would be a better commissioner! YOU SUCK!!

Should the @Fungsterm Geek out and get this?

Star Trek PADD App Available Today

Loyal to a fault

He doesn't want to be traded to a contender, he doesn't want to play in the All-Star game...he's just all about the floundering Cubs. They need to get more players like this.

Aramis Ramirez turned down an opportunity to be an All-Star.
NL manager Bruce Bochy asked Ramirez to be the replacement for the injured Placido Polanco. Ramirez will instead fly from Pittsburgh to the Dominican Republic to spend the break. He is batting .300 with 15 homers and 51 RBI this season.

BREAKING: THIS IS WHY A-RAM DOESN'T WANT TO BE TRADED: MUST HAVE A BRAIN.

Carlos Beltran said accepting a trade to the Red Sox would be a "no-brainer."
Beltran will be a free agent after this season upon completion of his seven-year, $119 million deal with the Mets. Beltran has a full no-trade clause and was asked if he would waive it to join Boston. "They're in first place," he said. "That's a no-brainer."

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Animals phokking with hyooomans big time

Animals harbour a deadly time bomb

Human affection for animals - wild and domestic - has a darker side. It is estimated that 75 per cent of emerging infectious diseases in people - many of them fatal - originate in animals.

Hyooooomans phokking with animals

Ultimate Dog Tease
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Nature phokking with hyoooomans (cont'd)

Baseball-sized hail reported in Chicago.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif




Full screen, since Blogger and YouTube don't always like each other.
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Toles on Negotiation

Has there ever in all of time been a negotiation where one side said: “we will not compromise one single tiny bit on any thing whatsoever, even reasonable things, and if you do not yield on all points, completely and massively, we will take an action that we know will hurt everyone, including all innocent bystanders.” One, anyway, that was reported in newspapers as being a “negotiation?” I think tornados negotiate like that.

Nature phokking with hyoooomans

Turtles crossing runway cause New York flight delays - chicagotribune.com

More Hyooomans phokking with nature

Ducks rescued on Lake Shore Drive - chicagotribune.com

Stoooopid 'Mercans (cont)

Too many Whole Foods treats, so deer must leave Lake View - Chicago Sun-Times

A deer and two fawns living in a Lake View courtyard will be moved by Animal Control because residents continue to feed the babies milk from bottles and organic apples from Whole Foods. (Only the best organic stuff will do for Bambi - ed).

Feeding the animals could ultimately be harmful to the deer, and possibly to people if the doe came back and found them too near her babies, officials said.

Animal Control, which has been monitoring the situation for about a week, does not “normally get involved with a situation with a wild animal,” unless the animal is in danger or poses a threat, said City Animal Care and Control Commissioner Cherie Travis.

Since the deer were uninjured and were not bothering anyone, the agency left them alone, and asked area residents to do the same.

But residents couldn’t seem to leave nature to its own course.

“We just asked people not to feed them,” Travis said. “Unfortunately people did not heed our advice.”

The signs asking people not to feed the animals were taken down.

“We were aware people were feeding the fawns with a baby bottle (are you phokking kidding me? ed) when the mother was not there,” Travis said. This could be dangerous to the fawns and those feeding them, she explained.

If residents bring them food, the deer will make themselves comfortable there and that’s a possibility with the Lake View deer, Travis said. “People are going to Whole Foods and giving them organic apples.”

An additional concern, which Ald. Tom Tunney’s office contacted Animal Care about, was the gay pride parade on June 26, which is expected to bring hundreds of thousands of people to the neighborhood, some of whom could be inebriated. (so gays + alcohol = shitstorm of biblical proportions that the deer won't survive? ed)

So now the animals will be moved, but Travis said that is no easy proposition.

“We’re looking at a lot of different options to remove them as humanely (dey ain't hyoomans - ed)as possible,” she said. “We are exploring a lot of options, none of which are really good.”

If only we paid this much attention to hyooomans in need...

Skilly Sez®

Today: rain. Tomorrow: rain. Saturday: rain. Sunday: rain. Monday: rain. Tuesday: rain. Wednesday: rain.

Literally Unbelievable (cont)

Security guard tries to remove wart from finger with a shotgun - Local stories - Yorkshire Post

A SECURITY guard from South Yorkshire shot himself in the hand to try to remove a wart from his finger.

Sean Murphy, 38, lost most of his left middle finger after using the stolen 12-bore Beretta shotgun at a garden centre in Doncaster.

He also landed in court for using an illegal firearm, and was handed a 16-week suspended prison sentence.

Murphy was told at Doncaster Magistrates’ Court that the offence carried a maximum 15 year term.

But he said: “The best thing is that the wart has gone. It was giving me lot of trouble.” (every cloud has a silver lining - ed)

Murphy, a security officer at Markham Grange Nurseries, Brodsworth, at the time of the incident in March, has since lost his job. He had suffered with the wart on the joint closest to the tip of his middle finger for more than five years.

He said: “It was hurting a lot and causing my finger to bend. I’d been to the doctors and tried all sorts of things but it wouldn’t go.

“I didn’t expect to lose my finger as well when I shot it but the gun recoiled and that was it. The wart was gone and so was most of my finger. There was nothing left, so no chance to re-attach it.”

Murphy, of Kings Road, Doncaster, pleaded guilty to theft of the shotgun by finding and possessing it without a valid firearms certificate.

Police were called to Markham Grange on the afternoon of March 13 to discover an injured man with a missing finger. He told them he had used a shotgun he had found in a hedge bottom near the nursery three months earlier.

An investigation showed it was taken during a burglary in 2009 but Murphy said he had no knowledge of that.

Martin Ward, prosecuting, said: “On the afternoon in question he had some drink.” (yes, as always, blame it on the alcohol - ed)

Richard Haigh, defending, said Murphy had been ‘a victim of his own stupidity’ when domestic pressures got to him.

District Judge Jonathan Bennett told the defendant: “I don’t know what was going on in your mind.”

Murphy was also ordered to complete 100 hours of unpaid community work and pay costs of £100

Nothing to see here. No video, anyway

If the Chicago cops recently indicted for sexual assault are convicted, they'll face four to 15 years in prison. That's the same sentence Tiawanda Moore is facing for trying to document her frustrations while reporting her own alleged sexual assault: Recording an on-duty police officer in Illinois is a Class 1 felony, the same class of crimes as rape.

[...]

Technically, so long as a person isn't physically interfering with an on-duty police officer, it's legal to record the officer in every state but Massachusetts and Illinois.

This is probably nothing to worry about, and in any case, it's so much easier to pretend that we don't have to

International Energy Agency: "IEA research has confirmed that, at 30.6 gigatonnes last year, carbon emissions are at their highest in history, making a record jump of 1.6Gt in the last decade. The globe now appears to be on track for a temperature rise of around 3.5 degrees Celsius, well beyond the 2 degree limit after which dramatic climate change will take place..." (Bummer... Ed.)

Some angry guy on the radio picking on that nice, clean-cut Mitt Romney: "We’re in the midst here of discovering that this is all a hoax. The last year has established that the whole premise of man-made global warming is a hoax, and we still have presidential candidates that want to buy into it." (Yay!! Ed.)

Never mind all that. Neuticles are so awesome, even Rocky Kardashian uses them. (On her pet... Ed.)
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Literally Unbelievable (cont)

Tennessee Just Made Offensive Online Pictures Illegal - Gizmodo

The law prohibits the online distribution of any image that might "frighten, intimidate or cause emotional distress" to someone who sees it. Which, really, could be virtually anything.

Like Smiff wearing an Elvis costume. Or K-Mad dressed as a chicken. Where does it end?

Carlos Zambrano Has Never Made the Wrong Pitch

Cubs’ Zambrano--clearly insane--apologizes for remarks

CINCINNATI (AP)—Cubs starter Carlos Zambrano has apologized to closer Carlos Marmol for second-guessing how he pitched in Chicago’s most recent loss.

Zambrano criticized Marmol’s approach after a 3-2 loss Sunday at St. Louis. He said Marmol should have thrown Ryan Theriot a fastball rather than a slider, which the former Cubs player hit for a tying double in the ninth inning. Albert Pujols won it with a homer in the 10th.

Zambrano said before Monday night’s game at Cincinnati that he was wrong to criticize Marmol that way. He said he made the remarks out of frustration. Manager Mike Quade also talked to Zambrano and said he won’t be fined.

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I'm sure this is all one big misunderstanding...

Lenny Dykstra Charged With 23 Counts By Los Angeles County

Dykstra is charged with five counts of attempted grand theft auto, eight counts of filing false financial statements, four counts of identity theft, three counts of grand theft auto and three counts of possession of a controlled substance. All are felonies.

In addition, he is charged with one misdemeanor count each of possession of a controlled substance without a prescription and unauthorized possession of a syringe.

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Damn liniency!

Literally unbelievable (cont'd)

Place your Onion-or-real bets before you check this link.

... [C]onsider Neuticles, prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs and cats, at about $1,000 a pair, which, their designers say, help "your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with altering."

Literally unbelievable (cont'd)

Further evidence that the Soviets caved way too easily...

A few weeks ago representatives from a company called FireEye were in the GCN Lab demonstrating their product, which can protect networks from most phishing attacks. An engineer told me a story about a company he knew that would run phishing drills with their employees. They would tell everyone in the company that a phishing scam (created internally for just this purpose) would be delivered at noon the next day. They told them what the scam would attempt to get them to do and what the scam would look like. They told everyone to treat it like a real phishing scam, and to delete or ignore the e-mail. For extra points, they were told they could alert the tech staff about the attack, though this wasn’t required.

Sounds simple, right? According to the engineer telling the story, even with all those precautions, 60 percent of the people in the company still clicked on the e-mail the next day and about 30 percent entered their network passwords into the "hacker site." I can’t help but wonder how many of those same people must touch their red hot stove burner every day just to make sure it’s heating properly.
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It's Literally Unbelievable

http://literallyunbelievable.org/

Drug War Profiteering

Click through for exciting new developments in the war on drugs. Why stop the flow of drugs when we can skim money off the top. Let's get those dealers selling!

End-times Trivial Pursuit

Spent plenty of time hearing about Ragnorok, or something similar, the past couple weeks.

Here was the question I posited in the interwebs and so far the answers just seem to pick apart the question. Perhaps there are two many theoreticals (or too many people convinced they can't be wrong) but I thought it was fun and end-timey, topical in a truly American drive-thru religion type of way. If you die and find that you retain some consciousness - let's say like a spirit. But that your way to eternal life and salvation is denied (due to your religion). If you had the ability to somehow tell your loved ones to convert - would you do so?

The closest I got to an answer I liked was that there are three possible solutions (1) there is no afterlife, (2) there is an afterlife but no ability to communicate about it or (3) there is an afterlife and an ability to communicate about it and all of our ancestors are assholes. That responder said she favored doors No. 1 or 2.

End Times Flowchart

Coz, you know, we don't have long to go...

Handy Flowchart Helps Determine If You'll Die This Weekend - Gizmodo

Hawk Harrelson / Osama bin Laden nexus

File under funny but stooooooopid...

Land of Scaring the Living S#i+ Out of You

ORANGEVILLE-(WREX) A disguised deputy entered Orangeville Jr-Sr High School Friday with a cap gun and fired it around students.

It was all part of a safety drill, but parents are angry and one mother and her son spoke out.

"I started praying to God and saying my last words," said Orangeville High School student Skylar Walters. "I was scared, I didn't know what to do," said

Walters was in gym class last Friday when a man came in with a gun, calling the name of a fellow student.

"Kids were just running everywhere and crying and hiding, ran off school grounds," said Walters. "It was just the scariest thing in my life."

Really slow news day

According to some TV news prog in Florida, dis guy is a hoarder. An e-hoarder to be exact. Perhaps I'm speaking for myself, but dat guy is an amateur. 3,500 emails in his Gmail? The HORROR! I know someone who had 100,000 UNREAD messages. And I'm pretty sure I have 6 computer carcasses in my apartment - it's called wanting to recycle them but not knowing where to go to recycle them and maybe there's a part in there that I may need or maybe some day it will be worth a meeelion dollars because by then a meeelion dollars will be an hourly wage. But certainly not e-hoarding. Now the Packer stuff? Yeah, that's a little nutz.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Terrorist killed by terrorists?

According to ze Germans, ya...

German TV Fail: Star Trek’s Maquis NOT Involved In Bin Laden Mission | TrekMovie.com

"And they also have the ‘Team Six,’ that carried out the mission. They don’t have the skull in their emblem for nothing."

Our culture is so convincing foreign news publishes it as real. I mean, how many Onion stories have been published in newspapers as the real deal? Now a fan made emblem ends up on tee vee? The rest of the world is boned.

Still Fiery!

Ozzie Guillen has been suspended two games and fined an undisclosed amount by MLB for tweeting after his ejection earlier this week.

Guillen was expecting a fine, but he got even more for tweeting "This one going to cost me a lot money this is patetic" and "Today a tough guy show up a yankee stadium" following his ejection by home plate umpire Todd Tichenor. He'll serve the suspension during the first two games of the series against the Orioles, with bench coach Joey Cora taking over as acting manager.

Dis guy jealous of Blago or something?

Or is Blago to blamo for all the insano problemos in Illinoiso?

Quinn wants to withhold cities' money as pressure to borrow billions - chicagotribune.com

Most predictable thing ever: Charlie Sheen bails Lenny Dykstra out of jail

Of course this happened:

Charlie Sheen paid $22,500 to bail former New York Mets and Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Lenny “Nails” Dykstra out of jail, TMZ reported Tuesday.

Nails had been jailed for bankruptcy fraud. When he bailed him out, Sheen said some bullsh** about him being a Vatican assassin and him being a warlock or something. No, I’m not making that up.

If there is any justice in the world, this is the opening act of dramatic road trip with those two which ends with both of them driving off a cliff, “Thelma and Louise”-style. Which would be an absolute insult to Thelma and Louise, each of whom are fictional characters with far more real world worth than either of these two doorknobs have.

Genius, or Stoooooopid?

Use Android's Official Zippo Lighter App to Participate in a Strange, Ancient Concert Ritual

Apple knows what you did last summer

iPhone keeps record of everywhere you go | Technology | guardian.co.uk

Of course the tool they have only seems to work on Macs. But Fungster will work to see if his iOS device has been tracking all of his (il)legal activities...and get right back to ya!

Today is our children learning

Regular-season game #82: Like a war, kind of

Kyle Hightower of the Associated Press just wanted everyone to know that, even in the post-Bush era, the tired practice of writing only "Mission accomplished" for the second paragraph of a news story was alive and well.

He succeeded.

Even expired bacon has its uses

The Bacon Bazooka: Meat Your Maker

Cub (that is so)

		Final		1		2		3		4		5		6		7		8		9		R		H		E
		Pittsburgh	0	0	0	0	4	0	2	0	0	6	7	1
		Chi Cubs	1	0	1	0	0	0	1	0	0	3	11	0
WP: K. Correia (1-0) S: J. Hanrahan (1) LP: R. Dempster (0-1)

George Hussein Obash

A three-termer?

This is SO CUB

Cubs blunder, even in cutting $48 million bust Carlos Silva

In very related news, how does drooling Jim "Pizza Man" Hendry STILL have a job...

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We are living in a (g)olden age (cont)

BBC News - Defecating dog sparks US shootout

Two neighbours in the US state of Mississippi (shocking - ed) drew weapons and fired at each other as an argument over a defecating dog ran out of control.

Associated Press news agency (aka librul news media - ed) said Jerry Blasingame, 60, has been charged with assault for shooting Terry Tehnet, 52, with a shotgun.

Mr Tehnet was angry because he thought Mr Blasingame's dog had defecated (damn SAT words from the librul news media again - ed) on his lawn, in a rural part of the state (there's an urban part? - ed).

Mr Tehnet, whose injuries are not life-threatening, may also be charged.

The two men gave AP different versions of what happened.

'Meet me at the levee'

Mr Tehnet said he visited his neighbour to complain about dog "poop" (shit - ed) on his property.

Mr Blasingame blamed him for shooting his dog the week before, Mr Tehnet said, and told him: "Just meet me at the levee and I'll shoot you down." (aka "second amendment remedy" - ed)

Mr Blasingame told AP he got his gun and drove off but Mr Tehnet did not follow so he returned to the neighbourhood.

The two men confronted one another again and each claimed the other produced a weapon first.

"He shot twice, I returned fire," said Mr Blasingame.

Mr Tehnet said Mr Blasingame opened fire first with his shotgun so he took his pistol from his car and fired back.

He said he was hit in both hands, the shoulder, chest and side by shotgun pellets, AP reported.

Washington County Chief Deputy Sheriff Billy Barber said: "Homeowners and property owners need to respect each other's property... If a dog did that in your yard, call the law. Don't take matters into your own hands."

We walk a single path from birth to death punctuated by cured meats

It looks better here.
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JOHNNY BACONSEED: A POEM FOR THE HOPELESS ROMANTICS
by Joel Chmara

When strips of pork Godliness dance-crackle-curl on the pan,
I will be there,
puffing my chest
accepting pops of grease on my shirt
like a Deputy Ditka badge.

Garments perfumed with slight bacon splatter is no call for stain-lifter.
Nay, it simply ensures that one will carry the greatest foodstuff essence
for the rest of the day.
Take heed dear readers,
to love bacon is to carry the smokey scent with you
as an am-bad-ass-ador of the fine piggy belly brine.

I am that breed of bacon lover
spreading its virtues
as Johnny Baconseed.
Baconology mentored to friends
of how to incorporate it into every dish.
Caramelized, Hickory Smoked, Peppered, Mapeled
Sweet or Savory
Lardon or in Bits
I can baconate any menu
for the better of humankind.

When the final bite of a bacon treat
crunches in my mouth
leaving the perfect salty smoke sensation
I whisper to no one in particular,
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

© 2011 Joel Chmara

More stuff about America you can't make up (cont'd)

Utah's official state firearm is the M1911 pistol.
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The best way to reach Republican voters is to feign brain-deadness

Though in Trump's case it might not be an act.

"But the intensity of the birthers is likely to be a dynamic of the 2012 campaign. Trump and others flirting with running for president on the Republican ticket are making these references to Obama’s background in part because doing so appeals to conservative activists."
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Sarge does SXSW

Could it be?

Happy Phokking Birthday @Smiff

Smiff records annudder tick on da odometer of life today. Dis may make him less grumpy than normal, so ask for any special favors today. Don't forget to purchase for him excessive amounts of alcohol! Coz you have to make up for me - I ain't gonna do it!

The shortest path between here and 'power'

1. Promise to close Guantanamo facility; be elected President.
2. Publicize plan to follow through on promise by closing "Guantanamo facility" and replacing it with identical facility located elsewhere.
3. Just, fuck, don't waste any more time on this.

Stop me if you've heard this one before

News item: Da Mare says we are "a country of whiners"
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The New Solution

With exciting developments in Ohio and Wisconsin we are paving our way to an enticing new future. But I can't help thinking, getting rid of collective bargaining is thinking too small. We need to find a way to get rid of all employee bargaining. Only by doing so can we begin to address issues like corporate profitiability, the mortgage crisis, pollution, immigration and overpopulation.

In the 21st Century economy, American workers have to understand that we are competing with countries where the promise of room and board is enough. So much of our great American society was built with an international labor force that understood what competing in a global economy meant in a world where the right to hard labor, by itself, was all the payment needed. We need to return to those days if we ever hope to make our country strong again.

Cubs in mid season form already

Fight erupts in Cubs’ dugout

STAFF REPORT

Last Modified: Mar 2, 2011 04:08PM

The Cubs are blowing up on and off the field. Literally.

After another error-filled start to their Spring Training game today, things blew up in the dugout when a few players scuffled, including starting pitcher Carlos Silva.

The Cubs made three errors behind Silva in the first inning and fell behind 6-0 vs. the Milwaukee Brewers in Maryvale, Ariz. When the players returned to the dugout, a fight started and had to be broken up by players and coaches.

After the fight, Silva left the dugout with the strength coach Tim Buss, but he was still jawing at someone as he left. Silva was whisked past the media on a golf cart and left the ballpark without comment.

The Cubs had nine errors in three games coming into today’s game.

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The answer is NOOOOOOO!!!!

Are we eating too much bacon?

Easy on those pork chops, the British government advised on Friday.

I don't know about all of you, but I don't listen to the Breeetish government. Unless the 'Mercan gubmint sez it, I ain't gonna believe it. And if they do, they'll be infringing on my liberty, so I still won't listen. Not that I actually eat bacon...

This is wrong in about 400 ways

A restaurant in London's Covent Garden is serving a new range of ice cream, made with breast milk.

The dessert, called Baby Gaga(!)(?)(!)(?), is churned with donations (interesting word choice, since as noted below they get paid for the "donation" - ed) from 15 women who responded to an advertisement on an online mothers' forum.

One of the women, Victoria Hiley, 35, said if adults realised how tasty breast milk was more new mothers would be encouraged to breastfeed. (That doesn't make any phokking sense. If grownups knew how tasty breast milk was then more mums would feed it to their babies? I'm guessing it isn't a taste issue that makes mums stop breast feeding their kids...ed)

Each serving of Baby Gaga at Icecreamists costs £14.

Mrs Hiley's donation was expressed on site and pasteurised before being churned with Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest.

Icecreamists founder Matt O'Connor placed an advert appealing for breast milk donations and believes his new recipe will be a success.

Continue reading the main story

“Start Quote

What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?”

Victoria HileyMother

"If it's good enough for our children, it's good enough for the rest of us," he said.

"Some people will hear about it and go yuck - but actually it's pure organic, free-range and totally natural." (Except the women drive everywhere or sit at home in front of the computer and TV & ate twinkies & drank soda exclusively during that time, violating all 3 qualities mentioned - ed)

Mrs Hiley, who gets £15 for every 10 ounces of milk she donates to the company, said it was a great "recession beater".

"What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?" she added. (The pin-up girls already took that one. Come up with something different - ed)

"I teach women how to get started on breastfeeding their babies. There's very little support for women and every little helps."

Mr O'Connor said health checks for the lactating women were the same used by hospitals to screen blood donors.

"No-one's done anything interesting with ice cream in the last hundred years," he added. (If this is what you call interesting....ed)

Your brain on cheese (cont'd)

"I would like to hear more of an explanation from Governor Walker as to what exactly was being considered, and to what degree it was discussed by his cabinet members. I find it very unsettling and troubling that anyone would consider creating safety risks for our citizens and law enforcement officers."
~ Madison Chief of Police Noble Wray (not his real name; from an undisclosed location)

"Behold, the greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat o' nine tails."
~ Monty Burns

"Fades out?" Probably more like stuffed and mounted

Fake Mayor Emanuel Twitter account fades out

Posted by Shia K. at 2/24/2011 10:56 AM CST on Chicago Business

@MayorEmanuel, the faux alter ego Twitter character of Mayor-elect Rahm Emanuel, has gone silent after writing of being pulled into a vortex.

His tweets to some 38,000 followers ended around 8 p.m. Wednesday, with the anonymous author writing, "and now all I can hear is that music, and suddenly everything just f------ ..."

. . .

Followers are left to wonder whether the mysterious character, who has denied numerous interview requests, will ever return from the vortex—and whether the author will reveal him or herself.

The real Mr. Emanuel has promised to donate up to $5,000 to charity if the writer comes forward, "so I can pummel his phokking face in."
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Koch is It!

Hmm. Not sold on whether or not this piece on the DailyKos is true. They are reporting a taped phone call between the Governor of Wisconsin and someone impersonating a Koch detailing some union-busting excitement. If true, it is somewhere between wildly depressing and infuriating.

Fall 2006: Was Smiff still here?

OK, Who Pooped In Dusty Baker’s Dugout Spot?

Jon Paul Morosi has a nice little profile of Cubs manager Mike Quade, but he buries the lede. Namely, that in Dusty Baker's last season in Chicago, someone left a going-away present for him.

"At the very end, somebody took a dump right where I stood in the dugout every day," Baker said Monday morning. "That was the low point. The grounds crew guy cleaned it up. He said, ‘Oh, I think it's dog crap.' I said, ‘No it ain't. That's human crap.'"
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Which player is this?

"Despite the low batting average, Player X used his power and plate discipline to plug Team Y's Vortex of Suck (new team name?) at designated hitter, batting .254/.343/.559 in that role from August 1 onward..."

Yeah datz right, got my Prospectus bitches! It's not a fan of my work so far this year.
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