EVIDENCE MASSIVE STEROID USE CAUSES EYE DAMAGE

David Ortiz said that he is thinking about getting his eyes checked.
"There have been some situations that something has happened to my eyes, my vision," Ortiz said. "But I'm planning on getting my eyes checked out sometime soon. I don't know. It's just sometimes that I've been feeling lately. It's not anything crazy, but just to make sure." Ortiz goes on to say that he has 20-20 vision, so it's extremely doubtful that his failures at the plate this season are vision related. The struggling designated hitter was on the bench on Thursday against the Tigers with left-hander Dontrelle Willis on the mound.
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TV - Far too forgiving

For here's someone that shouldn't be allowed to talk anymore, first, because he's always wrong, second because he's annoying, and third, because he was such a wuss on The Daily Show.



Jim Cramer: Buy A House Now, Calls Housing Bottom

Translated: HE DID A SHITLOAD OF STEROIDS

Sammy Sosa said Wednesday that he's ready to announce his formal retirement from baseball.

"I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame," said a delusional Sosa. "I always played with love and responsibility and I assure you that I will not answer nor listen to rumors. If anything ugly comes up in the future, we will confront it immediately, but with all our strength because I will not allow anybody to tarnish what I did in the field."
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Look who's UNHINGED!

Manager Ozzie Guillen defended his use of DeWayne Wise in a tirade Wednesday.
"I'm tired, really tired, of fans and media talking about Wise anymore," Guillen said. "He played because I wanted him to play. He played because I made the stinking lineup ... Every time I read it, all of the sudden they're in love with Brian Anderson." Wise has posted a .172/.200/.172 line in 29 at-bats, which is one hot streak away from his career line of .211/.250/.372.
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she speaks for millions of Illinois residents

"Daddy, I wish you were there to eat the tarantula, not Mommy."
-- Rod "Perfect Hair" Blagojevich's 6-year-old daughter, to her father

satire gets harder all the time (cont'd)

In the two weeks since Newsweek has redesigned, the magazine’s editors have sent out a statement that they intend to sever any and all connection to the turgid, dusty newsweekly of yore. And Jon Meacham, the magazine’s editor, is trying to recapture that age-old magazine editor’s trick for his newly conceived book: buzz.

For the next issue that hits newsstands on June 8, Comedy Central funnyman Stephen Colbert will be Newsweek’s guest editor...

MORE PIZZA FOR JIMBO!

Tue, Jun 2
Milton Bradley left Tuesday's game with a right calf strain, the team's official site reports.
Recommendation: Reed Johnson replaced Bradley in the field for the fourth inning. He's struggled to produce around nagging injuries this season, and it's only Year 1 of the three-year, $30 million deal that Jim Hendry gave him over the winter.
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Where were K-Mad's commencement speaker reports this year?

Like "Larry the Cable Guy" at some community college in Texas?

Well, did anyone get a get as good as the "Idiocracy" guy? An UCSD alumnus, i might add:

Graduating seniors, graduate students, family members, friends and alumni are all invited to participate in the second annual All Campus Graduation Celebration on Friday, June 12, at 5 p.m. on RIMAC field. The campus-wide event will include an alumni grad mixer, picnic-style dinner, fireworks display and ceremony where Mike Judge, '85, an alumnus of UC San Diego and creator behind "Office Space" and "King of the Hill," will serve as keynote speaker.
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Guns Don't Kill People in Church, People Kill People in Church

Dear Citizen,

The recent assassination of George R Tiller while in church raises the logical argument: if every member of that congregation had been armed, the assassin would have thought twice before marching into the church. It is imperative that you, citizen, defend your right to carry firearms, concealed or not, into your house of worship as described in the 2nd Amendment of our Constitution. Write your Congressman today and send your contribution to your local NRA chapter.

Thank you for your support.
God bless America.

Adam Kovac
President, NRA

G. Gordon Liddy: fecund... and an idiot... and ready to launch... and frying his brain on human growth hormone...

Gee, Gordon, in 2009: "I understand that they found out today that Miss Sotomayor is a member of La Raza, which means in illegal alien, 'the race.' And that should not surprise anyone because she’s already on record with a number of racist comments... Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then."

Gee, Gordon, in 2002: "I am often asked my secret for remaining virile, vigorous, potent and fecund. (Really? How often? Because this news surprises me... Ed.) The secret is that, in addition to not smoking or drinking alcohol, exercising and following a diet low in calories, fat and red meat and high in fish, I have for some time been taking a Human Growth Hormone Releasant specially formulated for me and heretofore not available to the public. Now, under the brand name Nature's Youth HGH, the exact formula I have been using is available to you. My secret is out. Nature's Youth HGH is how I stay 'Good to Go and Ready to Launch!'"

something they said would never happen

John Tyler's face on money. I'm looking at it now. But it's only because the US Mint's presidential vetting process for the dollar coin decided to let in everyone... sort of the presidential equivalent of Everybody Gets a Trophy Day.

Smiff Invasion: Da Update

July 3-15

You have been warned.

I figgered since we're all so patriotic i would want to be deres for da fort and all the shits blowin' up as we recreate the many wars we've been in. YAY!

At da Hotel Blake July 10-14. Da udder days at the Hotel Fung and elsewheres? Make an offer. I'm sure Fung would be happy to be rid of me for a few (or all) nights.

Going to da Sox on July 9th. Open to udder games. Anyone got cheap Cubs tix? Also, monkeys fly outta my butt.

Will The Decker be in town?
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A Trailblazing Denial

Sen. Burris Denies Wrongdoing Over Senate Seat

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Crazy Being Crazy

Carlos Zambrano was ejected from Wednesday's game against the Pirates in the seventh inning after bumping into umpire Mark Carlson.
Zambrano was upset about a play at the plate, and after being tossed, he made a big scene, indicating that he had ejected Carlson from the game, throwing a ball into left field, throwing his glove against the dugout screen and clubbing the dugout's Gatorade fountain with a bat. The Arlington Daily Herald anticipates that he'll be suspended for at least one start. He gave up two runs -- one earned -- in 6 1/3 innings before departing.
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Football - more than just a game

Well, in Yurup anyway...

Why is there buttock stabbing in Rome?

The Kollyforniya Constitution: the ant farm of democracy

Today's fun fact (quoted from Kolly Supreme Court Prop 8 decision): "more than 500 amendments to the California Constitution have been adopted since ratification of California’s current Constitution in 1879."

like an approaching asteroid?

News item: "Nearly Headless" Nick Johnson is believed to be on the Mets' radar, according to Ken Rosenthal of FOX Sports.

and he's a Smelt

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, the Cubs are eyeing Padres' third baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff.

Hard to imagine; or, who signs him next?

Orioles released RHP Adam Eaton.
Eaton has been terrible by any standard, with an 8.56 ERA. With few natural options to replace him and a staff in dire need of pitching, Eaton's release speaks volumes about how much he can help a big-league team at this point. No word yet on who will get his next start. Matt Albers will take his roster spot, but he's been relieving for Triple-A Norfolk.
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this just in: Liberty University had a Democrat(ic) Party club

News item: Liberty University, the conservative Christian institution founded by the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, has revoked its recognition of the student Democratic Party club, reports The News & Advance, in Lynchburg, Va. The university had officially recognized the group in October.