This is SO CUB

Cubs blunder, even in cutting $48 million bust Carlos Silva

In very related news, how does drooling Jim "Pizza Man" Hendry STILL have a job...

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We are living in a (g)olden age (cont)

BBC News - Defecating dog sparks US shootout

Two neighbours in the US state of Mississippi (shocking - ed) drew weapons and fired at each other as an argument over a defecating dog ran out of control.

Associated Press news agency (aka librul news media - ed) said Jerry Blasingame, 60, has been charged with assault for shooting Terry Tehnet, 52, with a shotgun.

Mr Tehnet was angry because he thought Mr Blasingame's dog had defecated (damn SAT words from the librul news media again - ed) on his lawn, in a rural part of the state (there's an urban part? - ed).

Mr Tehnet, whose injuries are not life-threatening, may also be charged.

The two men gave AP different versions of what happened.

'Meet me at the levee'

Mr Tehnet said he visited his neighbour to complain about dog "poop" (shit - ed) on his property.

Mr Blasingame blamed him for shooting his dog the week before, Mr Tehnet said, and told him: "Just meet me at the levee and I'll shoot you down." (aka "second amendment remedy" - ed)

Mr Blasingame told AP he got his gun and drove off but Mr Tehnet did not follow so he returned to the neighbourhood.

The two men confronted one another again and each claimed the other produced a weapon first.

"He shot twice, I returned fire," said Mr Blasingame.

Mr Tehnet said Mr Blasingame opened fire first with his shotgun so he took his pistol from his car and fired back.

He said he was hit in both hands, the shoulder, chest and side by shotgun pellets, AP reported.

Washington County Chief Deputy Sheriff Billy Barber said: "Homeowners and property owners need to respect each other's property... If a dog did that in your yard, call the law. Don't take matters into your own hands."

We walk a single path from birth to death punctuated by cured meats

It looks better here.
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JOHNNY BACONSEED: A POEM FOR THE HOPELESS ROMANTICS
by Joel Chmara

When strips of pork Godliness dance-crackle-curl on the pan,
I will be there,
puffing my chest
accepting pops of grease on my shirt
like a Deputy Ditka badge.

Garments perfumed with slight bacon splatter is no call for stain-lifter.
Nay, it simply ensures that one will carry the greatest foodstuff essence
for the rest of the day.
Take heed dear readers,
to love bacon is to carry the smokey scent with you
as an am-bad-ass-ador of the fine piggy belly brine.

I am that breed of bacon lover
spreading its virtues
as Johnny Baconseed.
Baconology mentored to friends
of how to incorporate it into every dish.
Caramelized, Hickory Smoked, Peppered, Mapeled
Sweet or Savory
Lardon or in Bits
I can baconate any menu
for the better of humankind.

When the final bite of a bacon treat
crunches in my mouth
leaving the perfect salty smoke sensation
I whisper to no one in particular,
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

© 2011 Joel Chmara

More stuff about America you can't make up (cont'd)

Utah's official state firearm is the M1911 pistol.
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The best way to reach Republican voters is to feign brain-deadness

Though in Trump's case it might not be an act.

"But the intensity of the birthers is likely to be a dynamic of the 2012 campaign. Trump and others flirting with running for president on the Republican ticket are making these references to Obama’s background in part because doing so appeals to conservative activists."
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Sarge does SXSW

Could it be?

Happy Phokking Birthday @Smiff

Smiff records annudder tick on da odometer of life today. Dis may make him less grumpy than normal, so ask for any special favors today. Don't forget to purchase for him excessive amounts of alcohol! Coz you have to make up for me - I ain't gonna do it!

The shortest path between here and 'power'

1. Promise to close Guantanamo facility; be elected President.
2. Publicize plan to follow through on promise by closing "Guantanamo facility" and replacing it with identical facility located elsewhere.
3. Just, fuck, don't waste any more time on this.

Stop me if you've heard this one before

News item: Da Mare says we are "a country of whiners"
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The New Solution

With exciting developments in Ohio and Wisconsin we are paving our way to an enticing new future. But I can't help thinking, getting rid of collective bargaining is thinking too small. We need to find a way to get rid of all employee bargaining. Only by doing so can we begin to address issues like corporate profitiability, the mortgage crisis, pollution, immigration and overpopulation.

In the 21st Century economy, American workers have to understand that we are competing with countries where the promise of room and board is enough. So much of our great American society was built with an international labor force that understood what competing in a global economy meant in a world where the right to hard labor, by itself, was all the payment needed. We need to return to those days if we ever hope to make our country strong again.

Cubs in mid season form already

Fight erupts in Cubs’ dugout

STAFF REPORT

Last Modified: Mar 2, 2011 04:08PM

The Cubs are blowing up on and off the field. Literally.

After another error-filled start to their Spring Training game today, things blew up in the dugout when a few players scuffled, including starting pitcher Carlos Silva.

The Cubs made three errors behind Silva in the first inning and fell behind 6-0 vs. the Milwaukee Brewers in Maryvale, Ariz. When the players returned to the dugout, a fight started and had to be broken up by players and coaches.

After the fight, Silva left the dugout with the strength coach Tim Buss, but he was still jawing at someone as he left. Silva was whisked past the media on a golf cart and left the ballpark without comment.

The Cubs had nine errors in three games coming into today’s game.

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The answer is NOOOOOOO!!!!

Are we eating too much bacon?

Easy on those pork chops, the British government advised on Friday.

I don't know about all of you, but I don't listen to the Breeetish government. Unless the 'Mercan gubmint sez it, I ain't gonna believe it. And if they do, they'll be infringing on my liberty, so I still won't listen. Not that I actually eat bacon...

This is wrong in about 400 ways

A restaurant in London's Covent Garden is serving a new range of ice cream, made with breast milk.

The dessert, called Baby Gaga(!)(?)(!)(?), is churned with donations (interesting word choice, since as noted below they get paid for the "donation" - ed) from 15 women who responded to an advertisement on an online mothers' forum.

One of the women, Victoria Hiley, 35, said if adults realised how tasty breast milk was more new mothers would be encouraged to breastfeed. (That doesn't make any phokking sense. If grownups knew how tasty breast milk was then more mums would feed it to their babies? I'm guessing it isn't a taste issue that makes mums stop breast feeding their kids...ed)

Each serving of Baby Gaga at Icecreamists costs £14.

Mrs Hiley's donation was expressed on site and pasteurised before being churned with Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest.

Icecreamists founder Matt O'Connor placed an advert appealing for breast milk donations and believes his new recipe will be a success.

Continue reading the main story

“Start Quote

What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?”

Victoria HileyMother

"If it's good enough for our children, it's good enough for the rest of us," he said.

"Some people will hear about it and go yuck - but actually it's pure organic, free-range and totally natural." (Except the women drive everywhere or sit at home in front of the computer and TV & ate twinkies & drank soda exclusively during that time, violating all 3 qualities mentioned - ed)

Mrs Hiley, who gets £15 for every 10 ounces of milk she donates to the company, said it was a great "recession beater".

"What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?" she added. (The pin-up girls already took that one. Come up with something different - ed)

"I teach women how to get started on breastfeeding their babies. There's very little support for women and every little helps."

Mr O'Connor said health checks for the lactating women were the same used by hospitals to screen blood donors.

"No-one's done anything interesting with ice cream in the last hundred years," he added. (If this is what you call interesting....ed)

Your brain on cheese (cont'd)

"I would like to hear more of an explanation from Governor Walker as to what exactly was being considered, and to what degree it was discussed by his cabinet members. I find it very unsettling and troubling that anyone would consider creating safety risks for our citizens and law enforcement officers."
~ Madison Chief of Police Noble Wray (not his real name; from an undisclosed location)

"Behold, the greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat o' nine tails."
~ Monty Burns

"Fades out?" Probably more like stuffed and mounted

Fake Mayor Emanuel Twitter account fades out

Posted by Shia K. at 2/24/2011 10:56 AM CST on Chicago Business

@MayorEmanuel, the faux alter ego Twitter character of Mayor-elect Rahm Emanuel, has gone silent after writing of being pulled into a vortex.

His tweets to some 38,000 followers ended around 8 p.m. Wednesday, with the anonymous author writing, "and now all I can hear is that music, and suddenly everything just f------ ..."

. . .

Followers are left to wonder whether the mysterious character, who has denied numerous interview requests, will ever return from the vortex—and whether the author will reveal him or herself.

The real Mr. Emanuel has promised to donate up to $5,000 to charity if the writer comes forward, "so I can pummel his phokking face in."
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Koch is It!

Hmm. Not sold on whether or not this piece on the DailyKos is true. They are reporting a taped phone call between the Governor of Wisconsin and someone impersonating a Koch detailing some union-busting excitement. If true, it is somewhere between wildly depressing and infuriating.

Fall 2006: Was Smiff still here?

OK, Who Pooped In Dusty Baker’s Dugout Spot?

Jon Paul Morosi has a nice little profile of Cubs manager Mike Quade, but he buries the lede. Namely, that in Dusty Baker's last season in Chicago, someone left a going-away present for him.

"At the very end, somebody took a dump right where I stood in the dugout every day," Baker said Monday morning. "That was the low point. The grounds crew guy cleaned it up. He said, ‘Oh, I think it's dog crap.' I said, ‘No it ain't. That's human crap.'"
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Which player is this?

"Despite the low batting average, Player X used his power and plate discipline to plug Team Y's Vortex of Suck (new team name?) at designated hitter, batting .254/.343/.559 in that role from August 1 onward..."

Yeah datz right, got my Prospectus bitches! It's not a fan of my work so far this year.
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One thing we know we know: Rummy is a s#i+head

He also owes us $700 billion.

I guess none of this concerned him very much at the time.

"Parade of Horribles!!!" New team name??
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Dumb Criminals (cont)

Cops: Teen kills fish to eliminate ‘witnesses’ — Arlington Heights news, photos and events — TribLocal.com

A 16-year-old from Arlington Heights who burglarized an apartment with two friends killed three fish by pouring condiments in their bowl because he didn’t want to leave any witnesses, police said.

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.

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The one teen told police that upon leaving the scene, he said to his friends, “We can’t let them live, they’re witnesses,” officers said.

“He wasn’t remorseful,” criminal investigations Sgt. Mike Hernandez said. “It was disturbing. Certainly something they didn’t need to do.”

From Corporal's home town, no less. Clearly they've been watching too much CSI...