of the Rummy School of Poetry:
We took a big banana
and threw it into the gorilla cage
and the gorilla picked it up, like they do —
they peel it, mash it, play with it,
but they will eat some
-- Alan Simpson, on the work of the fiscal commission he co-chaired
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Only in America (cont)
30,000 Cuban cigars seized at O'Hare - Chicago Breaking News
U.S. customs officials say they've seized 30,000 Cuban cigars shipped from Europe to O'Hare International Airport in the past two weeks and are inspecting another 70,000 they also suspect are from Cuba.
The flood of the "popular contraband" is the biggest seen at the Customs and Border Protection's Chicago field office, which typically seizes 10 to 12 cigars a week at the O'Hare international mail facility, officials said.
It's illegal to import any Cuban product into the United States without a license from the U.S. Treasury Department (wonder how hard it is to get one of dose, is it as hard as getting a marijuana stamp? - ed).
"Our officers stationed at (Customs and Border Protection) mail facilities routinely discover and seize a variety of contraband arriving from all over the world, but this is the first time in Chicago we have seen this level of activity involving illegal cigars," said David Murphy, director of field operations for the Chicago field office.
Customs officers have confirmed that 30,000 cigars are of Cuban origin and are still sorting through 70,000, said Brian Bell, a Customs spokesman.
The seized cigars will be destroyed, officials said (what a phokking waste, unless, of course, they are destroyed one at a time - ed).
Apprently the spike was due to some sort of rule change the gubmint made because of something the terrists did - maybe that toner cartridge thing. So once again, the terrists have won.
Life in Oklahoma
Shariah at the Kumback Café
"There's just too much Muslim influence, all this Shariah law..."
Yes, that sounds like Oklahoma... sure... Muslims running everything... we hatesez that too...
I asked Frank Lawson, 83, about Obama. "I think the young man’s a Muslim," he said. (If dis blog had a nickel for every time... Ed.) ... "I got on the computer, punched in Koran, and there it is in black and white: They are out to rule the world and if you don’t convert, they kill you." (Was dat on dat Christian Google? Ed.)
~
"There's just too much Muslim influence, all this Shariah law..."
Yes, that sounds like Oklahoma... sure... Muslims running everything... we hatesez that too...
I asked Frank Lawson, 83, about Obama. "I think the young man’s a Muslim," he said. (If dis blog had a nickel for every time... Ed.) ... "I got on the computer, punched in Koran, and there it is in black and white: They are out to rule the world and if you don’t convert, they kill you." (Was dat on dat Christian Google? Ed.)
~
But I thought Smiff was already awesome
What's in a name? Man goes from Smith to Awesome
An Oregon man has had an Awesome name change.
Douglas Allen Smith Jr. says he changed his name to Captain Awesome last month because he was inspired by the nickname of a character on the NBC television show "Chuck" — Dr. Devon "Captain Awesome" Woodcomb.
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An Oregon man has had an Awesome name change.
Douglas Allen Smith Jr. says he changed his name to Captain Awesome last month because he was inspired by the nickname of a character on the NBC television show "Chuck" — Dr. Devon "Captain Awesome" Woodcomb.
~
Monday, December 6, 2010
We won't have the Toddster to kick around anymore
And unlike Nixon, it's hard to foresee some dramatic career turnaround, though there's probably an elementary school somewhere in town looking for a new hall monitor.
At least he's going out classy!
Preckwinkle says when her staffers requested information, they got mounds of unorganized or incomplete paper, among other issues.
Cook County government has never had a reputation for squeaky clean dealings, but things appeared to get worse under Stroger. A court-ordered monitor says he violated political hiring more than 150 times since 2008.
"Chicago is not the most corrupt American city. It's the most theatrically corrupt."
-- Studs Terkel
At least he's going out classy!
Preckwinkle says when her staffers requested information, they got mounds of unorganized or incomplete paper, among other issues.
Cook County government has never had a reputation for squeaky clean dealings, but things appeared to get worse under Stroger. A court-ordered monitor says he violated political hiring more than 150 times since 2008.
"Chicago is not the most corrupt American city. It's the most theatrically corrupt."
-- Studs Terkel
Friday, December 3, 2010
Olbermann rips the lazy, ignorant phokks who kept Santo out of the Hall
Ron Santo and baseball's shame
The crescendo of indignation builds just like they do in KO's special comments. You can almost hear an Affleckian full-on rant coming on.
On a personal note, too late did I learn to appreciate the artistry of Santo's radio broadcasts.
~
The crescendo of indignation builds just like they do in KO's special comments. You can almost hear an Affleckian full-on rant coming on.
On a personal note, too late did I learn to appreciate the artistry of Santo's radio broadcasts.
~
So now we know: 10% of Chicagoans are heartless, brain-dead Sox fans
Should Santo be inducted into the Hall?
In your estimation, should Ron Santo be inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame?
* Yes (7060 responses) 90%
* No (776 responses) 10%
7836 total responses
(Results not scientific)
~
In your estimation, should Ron Santo be inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame?
* Yes (7060 responses) 90%
* No (776 responses) 10%
7836 total responses
(Results not scientific)
~
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dey tuk ur jabs
Except this time it's not the Mexicans...
Monday, November 29, 2010
Santa/Obama Nexus, or, When Redistributors Attack the Christmastution
Taking his message into Yuletide mode, Hedrick penned "The Liberal Clause," a tea-party-themed Christmas book for children featuring a socialist Barack Obama, "Elf Peloosi" and special appearances by Joseph Stalin (No Hitler cameo? Disappointing... Ed.) and an Afro-centric minister named "Reverend Blight."
Hedrick is traveling to New York today to film a Christmas-special segment for Comedy Central's "Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Hedrick consultant Robert Harmon told The Ticket. "And sales-wise, he's doing great," Harmon added. (Yay! Ed.)
Hedrick lost his insurgent GOP primary bid in August but has segued promptly into promoting "The Liberal Clause." (Hedrick has also been busy appearing in court, on assault charges filed by his wife -- who has since sought to rescind a no-contact order between the couple, claiming that he was trying to calm her down at a time when she was "out of control.") (Ho! Ho! Ho! Ed.)
"The Liberal Clause" depicts socialist elves (Redundant? Aren't they all socialists? Ed.) -- led by Obama -- trying to take over the North Pole (forcing elves to reduce their carbon footprint, among other power grabs) and control Hedrick's hometown of Camas, Washington.
But one little girl's dedication to the "Christmastution" (Is that a thing? Ed.) saves the town from a complete takeover.
Hedrick is traveling to New York today to film a Christmas-special segment for Comedy Central's "Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Hedrick consultant Robert Harmon told The Ticket. "And sales-wise, he's doing great," Harmon added. (Yay! Ed.)
Hedrick lost his insurgent GOP primary bid in August but has segued promptly into promoting "The Liberal Clause." (Hedrick has also been busy appearing in court, on assault charges filed by his wife -- who has since sought to rescind a no-contact order between the couple, claiming that he was trying to calm her down at a time when she was "out of control.") (Ho! Ho! Ho! Ed.)
"The Liberal Clause" depicts socialist elves (Redundant? Aren't they all socialists? Ed.) -- led by Obama -- trying to take over the North Pole (forcing elves to reduce their carbon footprint, among other power grabs) and control Hedrick's hometown of Camas, Washington.
But one little girl's dedication to the "Christmastution" (Is that a thing? Ed.) saves the town from a complete takeover.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
News item: A 37-year-old woman was arrested Sunday on allegations of pushing a 100-year-old woman working as a greeter at a Milwaukee Wal-Mart, a police spokeswoman said Monday.
~
~
Friday, November 26, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Hey retail workers! You've worked hard all year for that tasty Thanksgiving dinner!
Phokk you! You're not getting one! Bet now you wish you'd gotten that MBA like we have. Dummies! While you're up, pour me another drink.
Black Friday Moves to Thursday as Stores Woo Shoppers
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Black Friday Moves to Thursday as Stores Woo Shoppers
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Once an @$$hole...
Suarez accepts ban for biting opponent - News | FOX Sports on MSN
When his "hand of God" kept Uruguay in the World Cup, I felt sorry for him. You know, what would you have done in that situation? Way to erase all that goodwill, @$$hole!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Phokk the turkey, the cranberry sauce, the pumpkin pie...
and PHOKK YOU Grandma! Nothing says "Happy Phokking Thanksgiving" like shopping online!
Which does the Chicago Tribune imitate less convincingly, the Onion or a real newspaper?
Iconic '90s Onion front page:
"New President feels Nation's pain, breasts"
Chicago Tribune front page today:
"TSA feels your pain, but..."
"New President feels Nation's pain, breasts"
Chicago Tribune front page today:
"TSA feels your pain, but..."
Monday, November 22, 2010
The most feasible, cost-effective solution to the budget deficit might be...
...building a time machine to take us back to 2000 so we can un-electorate the Rezzzidunce, George Phokking Asshole W. Bush.
"The outlook for the federal budget over the next decade continues to be bright. Assuming that current tax and spending policies are maintained, CBO projects that mounting federal revenues will continue to produce growing budget surpluses for the next 10 years. CBO's updated budget outlook continues a trend of steady and sometimes dramatic improvement in budget projections since 1997, reflecting the continuing impact of strong economic growth over the past few years. Although there are signs that economic growth is moderating from recent robust levels, substantial budget surpluses remain on the horizon for the next decade in the absence of large changes in policy. Over the longer term, however, budgetary pressures linked to the aging and retirement of the baby-boom generation threaten to produce record deficits and unsustainable levels of federal debt.
CBO projects that, in the absence of new legislation, total budget surpluses would grow from about 3 percent to more than 5 percent of GDP from 2002 through 2011. Under current policies, total surpluses would accumulate to an estimated $2 trillion over the next five years and $5.6 trillion over the coming decade (see Summary Table 1). Such large surpluses would be sufficient by 2006 to pay off all debt held by the public that will be available for redemption."
-- Congressional Budget Office, Janamary 2001
~
"The outlook for the federal budget over the next decade continues to be bright. Assuming that current tax and spending policies are maintained, CBO projects that mounting federal revenues will continue to produce growing budget surpluses for the next 10 years. CBO's updated budget outlook continues a trend of steady and sometimes dramatic improvement in budget projections since 1997, reflecting the continuing impact of strong economic growth over the past few years. Although there are signs that economic growth is moderating from recent robust levels, substantial budget surpluses remain on the horizon for the next decade in the absence of large changes in policy. Over the longer term, however, budgetary pressures linked to the aging and retirement of the baby-boom generation threaten to produce record deficits and unsustainable levels of federal debt.
CBO projects that, in the absence of new legislation, total budget surpluses would grow from about 3 percent to more than 5 percent of GDP from 2002 through 2011. Under current policies, total surpluses would accumulate to an estimated $2 trillion over the next five years and $5.6 trillion over the coming decade (see Summary Table 1). Such large surpluses would be sufficient by 2006 to pay off all debt held by the public that will be available for redemption."
-- Congressional Budget Office, Janamary 2001
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