Bats and Balls: and dat's just the food

7:34 PM me: PUMMELING: my teams go 11-1 dis week
7:35 PM Kevin: same here - woulda been 12-0 if halladay hadn't gotten hammered and left the door open for aaa pitcher (waaaaahhh)
mmmmmmmm spam
actually i meant 8-1
7:36 PM cherries: monsters of the...
cherry... orchard
me: Tarrist Malicki endorses Obama's plan? Can we invade and overthrow him?
7:37 PM Kevin: it would restore america's faith in america if we could just mercilessly bomb the shit outta somebody for a few weeks in a consequence-free environment
me: Belgium? stinkin' fat bastards
7:38 PM Kevin: that would rock. they stole our beer and besides they're almost french
7:39 PM me: back in Monks' bullpen, Bierd dominates
Kevin: yeah but he has a funny name... sounds like a tarrist
BIERD - not american sounding
7:40 PM me: how about Randor?
Kevin: sounds like a hobbit
what is he, three-foot-eight?
me: KO reading LoC again? just showed a map of the middle east
Kevin: funny
7:41 PM me: also, story #4: Monks PUMMEL Crab Queens - i wuz shocked he brought that up - played game 3, in fact
7:42 PM Jeter hit a HR! about time, LOSER
Kevin: iran is also on the turkey-turkmenistan border, btw
7:43 PM me: turkwhattawhu?
Kevin: that is the capital
me: dat's a country? can we bomb them?
7:44 PM Kevin: wiff one hand tied behind our backs
7:45 PM me: Jonny Gomes got a hit!
also walked - ON FIRE
Kevin: 2B tomorrow for homunculi: WI@@Y vs maholm or ian stewart vs kershaw? datz almost too easy...stewart
stop drop and roll!
7:46 PM me: 12,428 tonight in Tampa to watch the AL East leaders...
7:48 PM Kevin: change mind - WI@@Y
tampa SUCKS - should never have gotten a team - FRAUDS
white elephant dome - deres somephin we can bomb (maybe while dickie v is in it)
7:49 PM me: go look at the Detroit box score for MORE MATT JOYCE DESTRUCTION
Kevin: SHIT's BLOWIN UP BAYBEEE
7:50 PM joyce - YOOOOGE
white sox - awful
7:51 PM cordero - annudder blown save - datz so CHIX
me: dough da Q goes yahd
7:52 PM Kevin: seff mcclung - 5 non-catastrophic innings
dough salomon torres blows da save, steals da win
7:54 PM cubs getting manhandled by randy johnson - puzzling
8:00 PM me: high gas prices? new McCain ad sez it's all Obama's fault
like everything else
8:01 PM and this just in: Phil Gramm is still a piece of shit
8:04 PM Matt Joyce: another hit: HOTTER THAN THE SUN
Kevin: and: he blew up
8:05 PM me: Tigers up 19-0...
8:06 PM Kevin: chix era tonight: 40.498
8:08 PM alex romer (who?) homers off harden
romero
8:09 PM rockies pitching shutting em down
8:11 PM me: sellout on da sout'side for a Shit Sox stinker - wuz it free brat night?
8:12 PM Kevin: coulda been run on da field and beat up da umpires night
me: speaking of which, Smiff has been reduced to meatless brats...
Kevin: whaaaaaaaaaaaa?
puzzling
8:14 PM me: sad
there wuz a sale
actually, not bad
Kevin: what would doug sohn say?
8:15 PM me: covered wiff mustard and onions, anyting is good (except broccoli)
Kevin: true
me: he would probably want to make a sausage out of me after force feeding and fattening me up even more...
8:16 PM nevertheless, the Monks destroyed da CQs anyway
Kevin: sounds delicious (nothing personal)
yes
8:17 PM me: of course, there isn't much of a liver left, so good luck wid dat one, doug
Kevin: dat wud teach him
me: and isn't Doug a stpuid-ass name, anyway?
STUPID-ASS ... Doug
8:18 PM LA has 16 runs in the 5th inning - how is Nomar (Fant!) involved?
Kevin: not at all?
8:20 PM ruh-roh:
7/21 Josh Johnson (Fla - SP) Add Free Agents Maddogs
8:21 PM guess dis wud be a bad time to tell him dat josh j might be a prairie chicken by dis time tomorrow?
me: NOMAR: DNP - i am SHOCKED - probably injured himself by breathing
Kevin: dat can be dangerous
8:22 PM me: sucked in some dust...sneezed...strained his back
8:23 PM Kevin: eyeballs popped out... rolled under desk... bumped head searching for eyeballs...
me: Dat's it!
8:24 PM do you have Valverde? stinkin' up da joint
Kevin: why, yes!
me: TWO BALLS OVER THE FENCE (not his)
8:25 PM Kevin: perfect complement to cordero's self-immolation tonight
crispy, crackly... mmmmm something smells good
me: dat's da brats
Kevin: no dis is unmistakably meaty
8:28 PM great episode of Nature last night about how da grizzlies are TOTALLY PHOKKED
annudder species doomed to extinction -- who woulda guessed?
8:29 PM lots of people dough - we can eat each udder when da animals are gone
me: YAY!
Kevin: i'm starting wif francisco "crispy crackly" cordero
8:30 PM 6-3 240 - dat would last like phree weeks
me: how about the CEO of Freddie Mac? made 20 million last year despite being a total phokking failure
8:31 PM Kevin: well he had to rise pretty high to fail that spectacularly... not for amateurs
he'd be delicious in a lemon cream sauce
me: Valverde: anudder run (dat's 4)
how about him for afters?
8:32 PM a little ketchup...
Kevin: delightful
wif a few french fries?
me: yes
woops, he's outta the game
still, 2 more runs could be charged
8:33 PM Kevin: micah owings (smelts, end times) on for d-bax
me: MANY runs about to score
Kevin: was sposed to start tomorrow - puzzling
me: rubber arm
and brain
8:34 PM Kevin: i would like to have da rubber brain
is it available as an implant?
me: don't yas already got one?
Kevin: cant remember - mebbe
8:36 PM me: FUNNY:
8:37 PM Last Play: F. Sanchez hit an inside the park home run to deep right, J. Michaels and J. Wilson scored
six runs for Jose...
8:38 PM Kevin: if he sucked any more, his head would implode
8:39 PM chix era tonight: 81.00
me: BOOM SPLAT
Kevin: batting avg: .117
me: that's like Crab Queens bad
8:40 PM Kevin: is it possible for their era to catch up to their ba?
me: yes
Kevin: chan ho hasn't pitched yet
he can do it
taylor buchholz
8:41 PM hong-chih... yikes... 81.000 era on the night and one-third of my staff is in coors on a night with a broken humidor and the wind blowing out
and hasnt pitched yet
sweet lord
theoretically a baseball game could go on forever
me: what's the league record?
8:44 PM Kevin: a 7-run 9th - that's SO CHIX
8:47 PM me: anypfing the Cherries should get from McCluskey?
8:48 PM Kevin: nutsack?
me: wow, his team SUX
Kevin: phokk yeah
da Q?
dont need da Q
8:49 PM me: huh, we don't?
Kevin: grandy scott thames joyce gomesy - rock solid
'sides da Q had two good momfs...datz it
8:50 PM he gone
me: thames playing first
someone DHs
Gomes SUX
8:51 PM i think we could fit him in, though i don't think he would want to trade him
Kevin: yeah if he is phinking long-term, he prollaby wants to keep him
8:53 PM me: he doesn't have any vets doing anything
Kevin: yep
not even a shiny dangly object in the bullpen
8:54 PM me: Morrow
should move him if he isn't going to start
8:55 PM Kevin: our bullpen could use a little somefin
8:56 PM me: SP too, since we're one injury away from being totally phokked
8:58 PM Kevin: cubs shut down by chad phokking qualls
8:59 PM me: it's sad, puzzling, CQian
9:02 PM the bizarre foods guy is eating pig's testicles...
9:03 PM now a beating frog's heart...not bad!
9:04 PM sake garnished with a lizard...
Kevin: whatever they're paying him, its not enough, and yet, its too much
9:06 PM me: giant snails...
Kevin: tiny snails arent disgusting enough?
lemme guess - next they'll take an ordinary duck liver and make it grotesquely YOOOOOOOGE...
9:09 PM chix era vs ba smackdown is at 81.000 vs. .111
9:10 PM me: converging...
no duck liver, but he did mention monkfish livers in passing
9:13 PM Kevin: i give up... bedtime
9:14 PM me: wait... live turtles!
Kevin: with the shell?
i have a better idea -- feed that phokk to some hungry grizzlies on live tv - i would watch
9:15 PM dat wud be awesome
me: dat would be pretty cool
so far...it's a dead turtle
9:16 PM it's called Suppan (insert own joke here)
Kevin: if he could take a crap in da lake and show a live turtle swimming away, dat would be interesting
9:17 PM me: next: every part of the chicken!
9:18 PM rooster balls...
not good, apparently
Kevin: that is surprising
9:19 PM me: coming up: happy cows make tasty beef!
9:24 PM they get a massage
every morning
they run free!
are fed beer
9:25 PM Kevin: thats a nice story
and delicious
me: "Melts in your mouth like foie gras"!
9:26 PM Kevin: of course it does
me: now in Bangkok
birds' nest soup
9:27 PM Kevin: baby chix?
me: a box of 12 nests? $1000
9:28 PM the soup also has frog's ovaries - that's good eating right there!!
Kevin: yeah you really need that... i gots a real frog ovary deficit in my diet
me: frought so
9:29 PM good lord does it look disgusting
Kevin: puzzling
making me hungry so i better go
me: ant larvae...
more frog parts
9:30 PM Kevin: maybe i can find one in the yard
me: giant water bugs, grasshoppers, crickets...
9:31 PM tadpoles! mmmmmmm
whole frog on a stick
9:32 PM Kevin: alive?
me: sorry, cooked
Kevin: couldnt it have survived?
9:34 PM me: off to Changmai for the nastiest of all
what could it be - monkey brainz?
9:35 PM Kevin: mebbe... i been to chang mai, got drunk at da smiling monkey
9:36 PM me: you drank a live monkey?
9:37 PM Kevin: http://www.chiangmai-online.com/smonkey/
yes, and it rained
me: KUO IS IN!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Kevin: sweet lord
9:38 PM me: Podzzzie singles - man, dis is gonna be good
9:39 PM grilled intestines
bug salads
9:40 PM Kevin: kuo?
me: yeah
"variety of organs" sausage
9:41 PM Spirulina algae - yum!
Kevin: buchholz - not pummeled
9:42 PM me: Iannetta doubles...
9:44 PM what's for dinner?
Fruit bats!
Kevin: yum!
me: a treat!
9:45 PM stir-fried...
9:46 PM "It's some really good bat"!
Kevin: flying rodent...mmmm...
me: also funny: Tulo singles, 2 runs
Kevin: so den... yay
bedtime
9:47 PM me: nope, Hawpe did dat
Kevin: i look forward to reading of the savage, inhumane pummeling in the morning
good morning!
me: quitter
Kevin: good night...
yes
me: dat's sad
and Stewart is up, your boy
9:53 PM me: fermented shrimp paste...
9:54 PM MUTTON!
9:56 PM coagulated blood cake
9:57 PM durian: the smelliest and apparently awfulest tasting fruit in the world