and the kicker is, she planned to trade the monkey for a cabinet post

SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) — A Spokane woman who hid a sedated monkey under her blouse on a flight from Thailand to Los Angeles — pretending she was pregnant — has been convicted of smuggling charges.

So will Smiff

Agent John Boggs said Tuesday that Mark Prior (shoulder, the will to pitch) will be ready for spring training. Prior has started a throwing program following shoulder surgery and will be a free agent. "He said he feels good, that his shoulder has never felt better," Boggs said. It's possible that Prior could get an incentive-laden one-year deal with a team option for 2010, but he may only garner a minor-league contract with an invite to spring training at this point.
~

where Smiff will be on Monday...

Pain to the extreme
When the Badwater Ultramarathon begins on Monday, two of the favorites will be from here. It will be insane: One hundred thirty-five miles through Death Valley. Temperatures in the 120s. 13,000 feet of cumulative climbing. 4,700 feet of descent. The reward for those finishing in less than 48 hours? A belt buckle.
~

Cold deres? Suckers...

If it's any consolation, the "forecast" here for Tuesday is "predicting" "possible" "sleet". Of course, it's more likely monkeys will fly outta my butt, but if it does happen look for reports of people in San Diego running through the streets trying to put out their heads that are on fire.

Forecast from National Weather Service As of 3:26 PM CST on January 19, 2008
Tonight... Clear. Bitterly cold. Suckers! Lows 5 to 9 below...except 3 below to 1 above zero downtown. Wind chills as low as 20 below to 30 below zero. West winds 10 to 15 mph.
Sunday... Mostly sunny. Highs 10 to 14. Lowest wind chill readings 20 below to 30 below zero in the morning. West winds 10 to 15 mph. Are your testicles frozen?
Sunday Night... Mostly cloudy with light snow likely...mainly after midnight. Minor accumulation possible. Lows 5 to 9 above. Wind chills as low as zero to 10 below zero. West winds around 10 mph in the evening becoming light and variable...then becoming southeast around 10 mph during the predawn hours. Chance of precipitation 60 percent. You guys SUCK.

Global warming? Jimmy Carter's fucking ass...

Forecast: Hail, Thunderstorms, BULL$#IT

5-day forecast

---

Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
Clear	Partly Cloudy	Rain	Chance of T-storms	Chance of Rain
69° 52°	64° 51°	58° 51°	56° 44°	58° 44°

Check out dis hyoooge pile of you-know-what:
Four days out, and they're listing a 70 percent chance of rain Friday afternoon... Forecaster Stan Wasowski...said the storm could, might, maybe bring the coast--drum roll please--3 to 5 inches.[He'll be here all week.--ed.]...The storm is just southeast of Kamchatka now...We'll see. In this year of the missed forecast, the models could be off again. "I don't see how they (the models) could all be wrong," Wasowski said. "If all of them are wrong, that would be fascinating."[and SHOCKING!--ed.]...we could get quite a bit of rain, and that might not be all. The National Weather Service is also tossing in the possibility of hail, thunderstorms and snow at 4,500 feet or lower...and flying monkeys.

well, most monkeys aren't high on something...

Chimps Do Better on Memory Test Than Humans
Do Better Than College Students on Tests

is this precise enough for you, SMIFF?

Messy winter storm bears down on Chicago

Of the estimated 1.22" water equivalent precipitation the approaching storm may produce here later Saturday and Sunday, temperature profiles of the atmosphere above Chicago as it passes suggest around 17% may falls as ice pellets or some snow, 33% is to fall as freezing rain and 50% is to fall as rain.

When Animals Attack

Monkeys attack Delhi politician

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

The city has long struggled to counter its plague of monkeys, which invade government complexes and temples, snatch food and scare passers-by.

The High Court ordered the city to find an answer to the problem last year.

Solution elusive

One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.

The city has also employed monkey catchers to round them up so they can be moved to forests.
But the problem has persisted.

Culling is seen as unacceptable to devout Hindus, who revere the monkeys as a manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman, and often feed them bananas and peanuts.

Urban development around the city has also been blamed for destroying the monkeys' natural habitat.

Mr Bajwa, a member of the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), is survived by his wife and a son, according to the Press Trust of India news agency.

those monkeys are pretty smart

News Item: "Sibu the orangutan has miffed his Dutch keepers by refusing to mate with females and showing sexual interest only in tattooed human blondes...."

But was there a bounce in his step?

Nomar Garciaparra (calf) sat out Saturday's game but is expected back in the lineup Sunday. Garciaparra said his entire body was sore (even his hair!) when he woke up Saturday morning, but that the soreness in his left calf wasn't anything out of the ordinary. "He was anxious to get back in there and it looked like he was anxious to make things happen when he got to the plate," manager Grady Little said. "I'm sure he'll get it going."

Meanwhile, Andy LaRoche sits on the bench.

in other news, the sun rose in the east today

Kerry Wood will pitch for Double-A Tennessee on Tuesday and join the Cubs on Thursday or Friday, and will be back on the D.L. by Monday.*
"If we get him on the roster and keep him healthy, it's like trading for a good reliever, so we'll see how that goes," manager Lou Piniella said. In other news, monkeys will be reportedly flying out of Piniella's butt if dat happens.

*Ha, made dis part up, or did i?

I blame the cicadas and their constant, apocalyptic droning on and on about not getting laid and here it is almost the middle of June already...

90 m.p.h. winds could hit tonight

stuff in da "news"

Source: Wolfowitz to quit "soon"
Stem cell "cure" hope for baldness

Dere's always a catch:

On Wednesday they held talks with Wolfowitz and White House officials amid reports they were close to reaching an agreement that would allow him to leave voluntarily in return for the bank admitting some culpability in the handling of his girlfriend's transfer to a State Department job and hefty pay raise.

Dr. Cheng-Ming Chuong, a professor of pathology at the University of Southern California who was not involved in the study, said it proved the principle that hair can regenerate from adult skin, but cautioned that human skin differs from mouse skin.

does anyone see monkeys in the air?

Despite some flu-like symptoms, Felix Hernandez (elbow) remains on target to start Tuesday against the Angels.

The plan is for him to throw 75-80 pitches in his first game back. You'll want him active for his two-start week.

furdurmore, dere is annudder train directly behind dis one

News item: Murton's at-bats coming

yeah, right...i also have hair

Felix Hernandez (elbow, owned by Decker*) said he felt fine after a 50-pitch simulated game Tuesday.
"Today, I feel pretty good," said Hernandez, who has been on the disabled list since April 19 with a strained right elbow. "Tomorrow, I'll feel even better, I think." Hernandez is penciled in to make his return to the rotation on May 15.

*Also see Harden, Rich.