Who is this man?

And how did he get Dana Perino's job? We only have three weeks of Perino Zingers left. I want her back NOW.

Cratering economy? Who cares wiff dese innovations...

Notice their catch phrase: another blatant LoC rip-off...

http://www.baconnaise.com/

Another black mark on McCain: he's white

Real Time with Bill Maher: New Rules - Look Beyond The Candidates’ Skin Color

On Real Time with Bill Maher’s New Rules segment, host Bill Maher exhorts viewers not to assume the worst about John McCain just because of the color of his skin.

All right, new rule: you cannot attain foreign policy experience by rubbing Henry Kissinger. He is a former Secretary of State, not Buddha.

New rule: next time we get in an enormous financial crisis, the guy we’re depending on to get us out of it can’t look like Col. Klink. Not asking for the world.

New rule: If men could admit they watch NASCAR for the crashes, women can admit they watch fashion shows to see skinny chicks fall on their ass. Ooh, that one was touchy.

New rule: food from China that isn’t Chinese food isn’t food. The latest example, tainted Chinese milk. Health experts say fake milk can cause bloating, gas, cramps, vomiting, fatigue, rashes and asthma. Oh wait, that’s real milk. People still not on the fact that milk is poison.

Okay, new rule: you can’t call it coming out of the closet when the door was wide open, the closet was made of glass and everyone can see you in there having gay sex. Clay Aiken says he came out because he didn’t want to lie to his infant son. Dude, even the baby knew you were gay. I can’t wait to see next week’s issue of People Magazine.

And finally, new rule: a candidate for President should not be judged by the color of his skin. And to…and to anyone who thinks differently, I say please do not reject John McCain just because he’s white. I think the recent news from Wall Street has made us all less tolerant and only reinforce the stereotype that white people are shiftless, thieving welfare queens.

Now, take a look at these pictures. Here are the CEOs of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG and the Lehman Brothers. I know the first thing that jumps out about these faces is that they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way. It was the neighborhoods and the schools they went to: Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business. They never learned the value of doing real, actual work and the first step to fixing that is better role models, so kids growing up white today don’t think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime. Or a government handout or sailing. So I get it, the temptation is to look at McCain and vote against him because you don’t see an individual, you just see another typical welfare whitey.

And it’s true, he’s spent his entire life shuffling from one low-paying government job to another. Well, except those years he spent in prison. Typical! And between you and me, he’s not very articulate. Oh, he may have some street smarts, but he’s not what you call an educated man. He freely admits he’s ignorant about the economy. And apparently the only thing his white running mate knows how to do is crank out one baby after another. And now of course, her teenage daughter is pregnant out of wedlock. Because she learns it at home! But that doesn’t mean we should assume all white people are like that, just because so many of them are. I believe there is hope. I believe even the stupidest, greediest, laziest whites can break the cycle of dependence like this November when we finally move George Bush out of public housing.

~

LoC ripped off again

For a blog with not very many... ok, one follower (and admittedly, some of them are Brain Dead Bob), our impact on the wider culture remains YOOOGE.

Palin Gag Of The Day

Jimmy Kimmel:

"John McCain showed up without running mate Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of experience with financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank."

totally ripped off from anudder blog

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 700 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gramm, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Henry Frankenstein Paulson

~

da fix is in - dat's Da Chicago Way

Alfonso Soriano broke a tie with a solo homer in the bottom of the seventh to help the Cubs beat the Phillies 3-2 on Friday.
The Phillies have reason to be upset after this one. The Cubs tied it on a bases-loaded walk from Scott Eyre that surprised even Kosuke Fukudome, who stared at a pitch at his knees and then held up four fingers questioning whether umpire Bill Welke had in fact called it a ball. The Phillies later should have went back ahead in the top of the seventh, but what would have been an RBI infield single for Ryan Howard was called the third out when Chris Guccione blew the close call at first base. Soriano put the Cubs on top for good in the bottom of the seventh, earning Jeff Samardzija (who would have given up the go-ahead run) his first major league victory.

Fung - still going broke

Fung went to a club with no entry fee, but you had to drink $50 worth of booze. Now Smiff woulda been all over dat, but dat's a lotta sprites, even in a bar. Den today he got caught with a work crisis/internet crisis just as the weather got nice (and da internet is a ripoff too), and resolved both just as the wind kicked up and kicked folks off the beach. Woe is me.

The Onion runs out of ideas, rips off K-Mad's reality...can he sue?

Really are they spying on us? This almost reads like our chat tonight...WORD FOR WORD.

Fantasy Baseball Owner Rips Team In Media

BROOKLYN, NY—Mark Mendicus, 26-year-old Staples employee and principal owner of the fantasy baseball team Beat With Uggla Stick, blasted his underperforming team in the media Monday, going so far as to single out individual players, criticize their recent play, and question their commitment to winning.

"They all suck," a visibly frustrated Mendicus told reporters following Beat With Uggla Stick's head-to-head 8-2 loss to division rivals The Mark Currys. "[Alex] Rios sucks, Delmon [Young] sucks, Pedro [Martinez] fucking sucks. Everybody on my team sucks."

"The Beat With Uggla Sticks have a proud tradition of winning," continued Mendicus, whose team has made the playoffs the past two years, including a league championship win in 2006. "But apparently that means nothing to this group of players. Apparently they'd rather just lose every single 5x5 category. Apparently my players don't care about winning the 12-team Yahoo! Plus 'Mmm…Fantasy Baseball' league pennant as much as I do."

Mendicus had high expectations for his team coming into the season, but his players have been plagued by injuries and inconsistency, losing six of their first eight matchups en route to a 22-46-14 overall record. The historically temperamental owner did not hold back his opinions after their latest humiliating defeat, telling the New York Post that Prince Fielder "had better start hitting some fucking home runs already" before making several vicious personal attacks on the first baseman, calling him a "fatass," a "fat bastard," and a "fat fuck" in the course of one statement.

"I paid $38 for [Fielder], and this is what I get?" Mendicus said, directing reporters' attention to Fielder's "putrid" Yahoo! Game Log. "Twelve home runs. Twelve goddamn home runs. When you pay $38 for a guy, you had better give them a hell of a lot more than 12 home runs through the first half. I got you for your power, buddy, not your walks. This is a batting average league, anyway, not an on-base percentage league, so walks don't fucking matter. It's like these guys don't understand that."

Mendicus continued his heated rant, calling shortstop Felipe Lopez a "talentless hack whose multiple position eligibility is the only thing saving his ass from waivers," claiming that pitcher Ian Snell is "killing [him] in WHIP, absolutely killing [him]," and encouraging outfielder Brad Hawpe to "go eat shit." He then accused the whole team of not stealing enough bases and "not playing like true Beat With Uggla Sticks."

He did, however, reserve some praise for hot-hitting second baseman Dan Uggla upon learning that Uggla homered twice that day, saying, "That's you, Danny."

With his team already down 9-1 in this week's matchup against Gary Sheffield's Head Vein, Mendicus issued an ultimatum, claiming that unless his team delivers at least a tie, there will "be some changes around here." Mendicus said that "no one is safe," and had particularly strong words for pitcher Chris Young, who three weeks ago was hit in the face with a line drive and has not made a single start since.

"Toughen up, you little baby," Mendicus said. "You don't throw with your face, do you? I already got Phil [Hughes] in the DL slot, so you better get your ass back in action."

Mendicus has a reputation for following his players' performance with intense scrutiny and personal investment, often to a fanatical degree. It is rumored that he monitors their progress on multiple Yahoo! Sports box score windows on his computer screen, and will erupt into obscenity-laden tirades at work after a mere groundout or caught stealing.

"Fuck you Edwin, you good-for-nothing piece of shit," Mendicus was overheard as saying while angrily clicking the "Refresh" button on his web browser 14 times after pitcher Edwin Jackson loaded the bases with three straight walks. "Throw the ball over the goddamn plate. I need a win here, you idiot. I'm getting killed in wins."

For some players on Mendicus' team, the demand for instant results, the constant threats to be released or traded, and the nonstop verbal abuse is too much. Pitcher Jeremy Guthrie has been dropped and picked up by Mendicus seven times already this season, and he says he doesn't like playing under such volatile conditions.

"I wish he'd have a little faith in me," Guthrie said. "I don't like being picked up the night before my start and then simply dropped the next day. It wears on you as a player. And now I have to explain myself to my kids when they read in the papers that their daddy is a 'shit-for-brains asshole who can't even get five strikeouts when that's all we needed to win the category.'"

"I'm sorry, but when I have runners on first and third and one out, I'm going to go for the double play to get out of the inning, not the strikeout," Guthrie added. "Even though they don't give out 'points' for double plays."

Some players, however, praised Mendicus for his fiery attitude and desire to win, saying they prefer that to the kind of owners who treat their fantasy teams like nothing more than a fun distraction from their real jobs.

"It's good that he cares," said Beat With Uggla Stick catcher Jorge Posada. "Some owners, like Garrett Baldwin of the Smilin' Joe Randas, or Mike Broberg of Tiny Damon, they just sort of check in every once in a while to see how we're doing, but that's it. In fact, I've been on the Tiny Damon's bench since I went on the DL in April, and they don't even have anyone in the catcher slot. That's just shoddy ownership."

"But there's also a thing called caring too much," Posada added. "You can only be called a worthless shitbag after popping out so many times before it starts to sting. It's at the point where playing for Mendicus is almost as bad as playing for Hank Steinbrenner.

If only Smiff had a campus parking pass...

...so i could be a smug jerk and bleed some plutocratic golf c@ck$uc#er dry...

UCSD Parking Pass + UCSD ID for U.S. Open - $500 (La Jolla)

Reply to: sale-713128735@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-09, 3:26AM PDT

So you've come from near and far to see Tiger. Unfortunately, by now you've probably realized that there are about 10,000 less parking spots available than there actually should be.

There is hope...

I am selling my UCSD "Student" Parking Pass along with my UCSD ID. This means you can park in any "S" spot on campus and even get closer to the Torrey Pines shuttles than the coveted "Parking Lot U." Without a UCSD pass, you will be forced to go to Qualcomm, where shuttle lines and traffic will probably cost you 2+ hours each way, everyday.

Other posters have put up their parking passes for sale. But without a UCSD ID, a parking pass by itself is worthless, since they will be checking IDs at all campus entry points along with the parking pass. I am selling BOTH the parking pass and the ID.

Of course, you may not look like me (I'm white with brown hair). So all you have to do is tell the intellectuals at UCSD Parking that you are going to help your stepson move out of his on-campus dorm (it's finals week here). Present the valid UCSD Parking Pass and UCSD ID that I have supplied you and you're in baby. Problem solved, traffic avoided.

Call David at (714) 496-9229.

you knew this would start...

News item: Rather than exchange a traditional handshake, Sens. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX) and Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) bumped fists at the conclusion of their joint appearance on CNN's Late Edition yesterday. The move appeared to be "a reference to Barack and Michelle Obama's celebratory fist bump on Tuesday."

Rigged

Chicago Bulls win No. 1 pick in NBA draft lottery

SECAUCUS, N.J. (AP)—The Chicago Bulls won the NBA’s draft lottery Tuesday night, giving them the right to choose between star freshmen Michael Beasley and Derrick Rose.

Coming off a miserable season and still without a coach, the Bulls vaulted from the No. 9 spot, where they had just a 1.7 percent chance of landing the top choice.

They will almost certainly choose between Beasley, the Kansas State forward who averaged 26.5 points and an NCAA-best 12.5 rebounds, or Rose, the point guard who carried Memphis within minutes of the national title.

I'm sure the Cubs are pulling this scam, too--someone get Greg Couch on da case

Beer is high on price, low on alcohol content

Padres fans already know beer sold at Petco Park has a higher price tag than the same thing elsewhere. But they might be surprised to learn some of the beer also has lower alcohol content. Three of the downtown ballpark's domestic draft brands – Budweiser Select, Miller Lite and Miller Genuine Draft – contain 3.2 percent alcohol by weight. Go to a bar and most regular domestic draft beer will have about 4 percent alcohol by weight. Most light beers run about 3.4 percent.

Padres officials say lower-alcohol beer, like higher prices, is part of an “alcohol management plan,”* meant to keep fans from overindulging. They also say it's common practice in the sports industry and hardly limited to Petco.

[*aka "ripoff manangement plan"...]

The difference in cost is 32 percent. A keg of Budweiser Select goes for $76, according to California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control records. The 3.2 percent version of Bud Select runs $52.

But today's higher beer prices could make the lower alcohol content harder to swallow. In 1988, a beer at a Padres game was $2. When adjusted for inflation, that $2 beer would be $3.61 today. The cheapest beer at Petco now is a 16-ounce domestic draft for $6.50.

Of course, if you're dumb enough to drink budmillerscoors swill and pay $8.50 for it, you're probably not gonna notice, or care.

Bud Lite to Fans: Go Phokk Yourselves

MLB rips off fans who bought DRM videos

Allan Wood (a baseball megafan who has written a book about Babe Ruth) purchased over $280 worth of digital downloads of baseball games from Major League Baseball, who have just turned off their DRM server, leaving him with no way to watch his videos. MLB's position is that since these videos were "one time sales," and that means that Wood and everyone else who gave money to MLB is out of luck -- they'll never be able to watch their videos again,.
MLB shut down the DRM server because they've changed suppliers, and now they expect suckers to buy downloads of games in the new DRM format. Anyone who does this needs their head examined -- using DRM itself is contemptible enough, but using DRM this way is just plain criminal.
Just got off the phone with a MLB customer service supervisor.
"MLB no longer supports the DDS system" that it once used and so any CDs with downloaded games on them "are no good. They will not work with the current system."
Great. Just effing great. ... As I told the supervisor, this is right in line with how wrong-headed and stupid and ass backwards MLB does everything.
I was told there is absolutely nothing MLB can do about these lost games. Plus, they said my purchases were all "one-time sales" and thus "there are no refunds".

In related news:

MLB posts record revenues
Major League Baseball will finish this year with just over $6 billion in revenue, according to Bob DuPuy, MLB's president and chief operating officer.
Baseball's sales have increased 50 percent from 2004 and have doubled since 2000, CNN reported. DuPuy said that the level of growth this year had surprised even him and Commissioner Bud Selig.
“We have seen a healthy increase in every one of our revenue streams," DuPuy said. "We saw about a $0.5 billion from sources that really didn't exist 10 years ago."
DuPuy told CNN he expects revenue growth in the single digit percentage range in 2008 and an even bigger jump in revenue in 2009.

In soon-to-be-related news:

Look for across-the-board ticket and concession price hikes at every major league park in 2008...

in which category were we ripped off?

Best Whining About the Weather Blog? Best Bush-Hating Blog? Best End Times Blog? Best Baseball Blog? Most Rambling, Inane Blog? The possibilities are endless (though I can only think of these five).

The 2007 Weblog Awards

because Fung is FULL@$#!+

Dear Michael Smith:

Your order has been received and processed. To access the StatTracker™, just click on the StatTracker™ link located near the top of every game page.

Thank you for your order. Good luck this season!

--Fantasy Football Commissioner

Service Summary Yahoo! ID: philliesfan20 Service: StatTracker® Order Number: 103763030 Order Date: September 16, 2007 Total: $9.99 one-time charge Note: Once confirmed, this order is not refundable.

Payment Information Payment Method: MSTR xxxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx xx/200x 3775 3RD AVE. #6, SAN DIEGO, IL 92103,US Remember This: Disabled Please save this information for your records.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em: MLB to scalp tix

Here's another fine mess the Cubs have gotten us into:

Baseball Gets Into Resale of Tickets

SAN FRANCISCO, Aug. 1 — Major League Baseball once frowned on scalping, the resale of tickets among fans and sidewalk entrepreneurs. On Thursday, professional baseball will announce plans to get into the business. In a nod to the growing strength of Internet ticket exchanges, the league has entered into a revenue-sharing agreement with StubHub...