Literally Unbelievable (cont)

Security guard tries to remove wart from finger with a shotgun - Local stories - Yorkshire Post

A SECURITY guard from South Yorkshire shot himself in the hand to try to remove a wart from his finger.

Sean Murphy, 38, lost most of his left middle finger after using the stolen 12-bore Beretta shotgun at a garden centre in Doncaster.

He also landed in court for using an illegal firearm, and was handed a 16-week suspended prison sentence.

Murphy was told at Doncaster Magistrates’ Court that the offence carried a maximum 15 year term.

But he said: “The best thing is that the wart has gone. It was giving me lot of trouble.” (every cloud has a silver lining - ed)

Murphy, a security officer at Markham Grange Nurseries, Brodsworth, at the time of the incident in March, has since lost his job. He had suffered with the wart on the joint closest to the tip of his middle finger for more than five years.

He said: “It was hurting a lot and causing my finger to bend. I’d been to the doctors and tried all sorts of things but it wouldn’t go.

“I didn’t expect to lose my finger as well when I shot it but the gun recoiled and that was it. The wart was gone and so was most of my finger. There was nothing left, so no chance to re-attach it.”

Murphy, of Kings Road, Doncaster, pleaded guilty to theft of the shotgun by finding and possessing it without a valid firearms certificate.

Police were called to Markham Grange on the afternoon of March 13 to discover an injured man with a missing finger. He told them he had used a shotgun he had found in a hedge bottom near the nursery three months earlier.

An investigation showed it was taken during a burglary in 2009 but Murphy said he had no knowledge of that.

Martin Ward, prosecuting, said: “On the afternoon in question he had some drink.” (yes, as always, blame it on the alcohol - ed)

Richard Haigh, defending, said Murphy had been ‘a victim of his own stupidity’ when domestic pressures got to him.

District Judge Jonathan Bennett told the defendant: “I don’t know what was going on in your mind.”

Murphy was also ordered to complete 100 hours of unpaid community work and pay costs of £100

This is wrong in about 400 ways

A restaurant in London's Covent Garden is serving a new range of ice cream, made with breast milk.

The dessert, called Baby Gaga(!)(?)(!)(?), is churned with donations (interesting word choice, since as noted below they get paid for the "donation" - ed) from 15 women who responded to an advertisement on an online mothers' forum.

One of the women, Victoria Hiley, 35, said if adults realised how tasty breast milk was more new mothers would be encouraged to breastfeed. (That doesn't make any phokking sense. If grownups knew how tasty breast milk was then more mums would feed it to their babies? I'm guessing it isn't a taste issue that makes mums stop breast feeding their kids...ed)

Each serving of Baby Gaga at Icecreamists costs £14.

Mrs Hiley's donation was expressed on site and pasteurised before being churned with Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest.

Icecreamists founder Matt O'Connor placed an advert appealing for breast milk donations and believes his new recipe will be a success.

Continue reading the main story

“Start Quote

What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?”

Victoria HileyMother

"If it's good enough for our children, it's good enough for the rest of us," he said.

"Some people will hear about it and go yuck - but actually it's pure organic, free-range and totally natural." (Except the women drive everywhere or sit at home in front of the computer and TV & ate twinkies & drank soda exclusively during that time, violating all 3 qualities mentioned - ed)

Mrs Hiley, who gets £15 for every 10 ounces of milk she donates to the company, said it was a great "recession beater".

"What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?" she added. (The pin-up girls already took that one. Come up with something different - ed)

"I teach women how to get started on breastfeeding their babies. There's very little support for women and every little helps."

Mr O'Connor said health checks for the lactating women were the same used by hospitals to screen blood donors.

"No-one's done anything interesting with ice cream in the last hundred years," he added. (If this is what you call interesting....ed)

Lost in translation

English version - what it sez

Welsh version - "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated".

Or maybe the title of this one should be "Auto-Replies gone wild". Or WTP speaks Welsh?

Mmmm. Sex on the Beach. Aaaaargh

Sex-on-beach trial Britons guilty

Ape (bleep) Icelanders (cont)

Iceland: Britain's unlikely new enemy

The collapse of Iceland's banking system - one in which many Britons had a stake - is the reason for this resentment.

In a bid to claw back some of the money, the British government seized Icelandic assets in the UK under the Anti-terrorism, Crime and Security Act 2001. The die was cast. Your average Icelander draws the line at being called a terrorist.

For those with long memories, there's a sense of deja vu about the fallout.

The cod wars between the two countries that started in the 50s came to a head in the mid-70s when an Icelandic gunboat opened fire on a British ship after a clash of boats within Iceland's territorial waters.

Iceland eventually came out on top, winning the right to keep British fishing vessels outside its 200-mile exclusion zone.

Cod Wars - what a cute little name for a conflict. They should all have cutesy names...

Don't we ever learn?

Predators could be superweed fix

A superweed spreading throughout the UK could be brought under control by introducing plant-eating predators from Japan, scientists believe.

Oh yeah. Dis has absolutely no phokking chance of backfiring like so many times before. Nuttin 2 see here. Keep moving.

if k-mad had a fantasy cricket team, this kid would be on it

Boy in hospital after 'gas lighting' stunt backfires

A 12-year-old has been taken to hospital with burns after blowing up a petrol can while breaking wind.

The boy was attempting to set fire to his farts as part of a competition against his cousin in the garden of a house in Tipton when the accident occurred.

Fire fighters were called to the address but the small blaze had already burned itself out when the crew arrived.

Brat$#!+ crazy

Teenager finds bat asleep in bra

A teenager who thought movement in her underwear was caused by her vibrating mobile phone found a bat curled up asleep in her bra.

Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, had been wearing the bra for five hours when she plucked up the courage to investigate.

When she did, she found a baby bat in padding in her 34FF bra. The hotel receptionist said she was shocked but felt bad for removing the "cuddly" bat. "It looked cosy and comfortable and I was sorry for disturbing it," she said.

She was sitting at her desk at work when she decided to investigate the strange movements in her underwear.

"I put my hand down my bra and pulled out a cuddly little bat.

"That shocked me very much at the time, but it scuttled off under the desk into the dark. I was shaking from head to toe.

"It looked quite cosy and comfortable in there so it was quite rude of me to take it out.

"When I realised it was a bat the first thing that occurred to me was how did it get in there.

"I felt quite sorry for it. Perhaps I should have left it there and given it a good home.

"I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly.

"The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before.

"When I was driving to work, I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket."

The bat was captured by one of her colleagues and released.

Not just Dumbya

Even the English have trouble speaking English...

London teen orders 'cab, innit'
Retail display supplier duly obliges

Lost in translation?

Or mebbe we need to watch them, not read them?

TV's top 25 put-downs published

Is everyone everywhere brain-dead?

If Churchill came back today he would never stop throwing up...

Gandhi 'is myth', Churchill 'made up'
4 Feb 2008, 1830 hrs IST,PTI

LONDON: Mahatma Gandhi never existed while Britain's wartime Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill was a fictional character. Don't fret. This is only what most Britons think about the great leaders.

According to a survey carried out in Britain, many believe that Mahatma Gandhi and Churchill are just mythical figures like Florence Nightingale, popularly known as the 'Lady with the Lamp'.

In fact, almost a quarter of the population have the popular notion that Churchill, "the greatest Briton of all time", was made up.

Moreover, despite his celebrated military reputation, 47 per cent of respondents feel the 12th-century English King Richard the Lionheart is fictional, according to the survey of 3,000 British teens.

In contrast, a number of fictitious characters like Sherlock Holmes, King Arthur and Eleanor Rigby were given real life status.

While almost 65 per cent of respondents believe that mythical figure King Arthur existed and led a round table of knights at Camelot, 58 per cent of teens think that Holmes really lived at 221B Baker Street.

Fifty-one per cent of respondents believed that Robin Hood lived in Sherwood Forest, robbing the rich to give to the poor, while 47 per cent believed Eleanor Rigby was a real person rather than a creation of The Beatles.

The poll also revealed that nearly three quarters of those surveyed did not read history books while and 61 per cent admitted that they changed channels rather than watching historical programmes on television.

"While there's no excuse for demoting real historical figures such as Churchill, the elevation of mythical figures to real life showed the impact good films could have in shaping the public consciousness.

"Stories like Robin Hood are so inspiring that it's not surprising people like to believe these characters truly existed," the British media quoted Paul Moreton, the Head of UKTV Gold channel, which commissioned the poll, as saying.

Euro-trash (cont)

Brits declare Paris most pointless celeb

I woulda voted for their royals meself...

More British Penile Issues

'Fake penis' sex attacker jailed

A sex attacker who hid a carrot in his trousers and pretended it was his erect penis has been jailed for 18 months.

Driving instructor Stephen Cooney, 51, groped three female learner drivers in a series of attacks on Teesside dating back to 2002.

A jury at Teesside Crown Court found him guilty of two indecent assaults and two sexual assaults.

Cooney, of Marske-by-the-Sea near Redcar, told the court the carrot incident was a "practical joke".

The court heard how Cooney put the 12-inch carrot down his trousers and told a pupil in her 40s that a perfectly executed manoeuvre was so good that it had given him an erection.
He then took her hand and made her touch the vegetable before showing her the carrot, the court heard.

He denied placing her hand on his groin, but admitted hiding the vegetable in his pocket.

Naked photos

He told the jury: "I admit it was unprofessional, stupid, and I regret doing it.
"I just thought maybe I would play a practical joke, but obviously it was stupid."
Jailing him, Judge George Moorhouse, said: "You were in a position of trust."

Giving evidence, another of Cooney's pupils said when she failed her test he offered to waive the £80 she owed him if she pulled over into a lay-by and had sex with him.

She told the court: "I just said 'No thank you, Steve'."

He regularly groped her during lessons between August 2005 and February last year, the court heard.

When police arrested him they also found naked photos in the glove box of his Vauxhall Corsa.

Bad day at the office

Can't wait for the explanation here...

Fire crew aid in penis operation

Firefighters helped operate on a man who was rushed to hospital after getting a metal ring stuck on the end of his penis.

Doctors at Royal Wigan Infirmary in Greater Manchester put out the alert after fearing the man faced amputation as the ring cut off his blood supply.

Two firefighters used a mini hand grinder to cut through the ring during a 20-minute procedure.

It is understood the man, aged in his 40s, was given an anaesthetic.

The firefighters placed a thin sheet of metal around his penis to protect the skin while removing the ring, which appeared to have been cut off from the end of a pipe.

Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service confirmed fire crews were called to the hospital at around 12.10 GMT on Thursday to "deal with a situation".

A spokeswoman for Royal Wigan Infirmary said they were unable to comment about the incident.

we're not the only idiots

News Item: One in three British adults thinks Mt. Everest is in Europe.

Ya can't make this (stuff) up (cont)

Bike sex man placed on probation

$#!+ for lunch

Literally...

Excrement curry wife admonished

Sheriff Susan Sinclair said her behaviour could have resulted in "extremely unpleasant consequences".

Profiling, Euro Style

Call to increase stop and search

Black people are six times more likely to be stopped than white people, according to Home Office figures.

This disparity has led to continued charges of police racism and critics say that increased use of stop and search tactics would inevitably affect the black community disproportionately.

Oh yeah? I'll still hate Mondays...

News Item: British education officials have announced that all secondary school students will now attend classes on how to be happy.

K-Mad's Fate, part 2?

EDINBURGH (AFP) - A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or "Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf", was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and ... hospitalisation.

"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed AE with a vacuum attached to me," Blackner said.

"I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived."