K-Mad, Smiff: Wine, Golf & Cheating on Taxes (a Plutocratic Special Ed.)

2:48 PM me: Tiger just missed a putt i could make...there is nothing to believe in anymore
20 minutes
3:08 PM me: wow, he sucks - did you just draft him in a golf league?
39 minutes
3:47 PM me: Tallet: dominating today against the one batter he faced
57 minutes
4:45 PM Kevin: add chip caray to the list of things that are still what they used to be
me: yes
4:46 PM Wong is offering Crede for a rd 13 and my supp pick
how awful is dat?
4:49 PM ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzzzzzz
4:50 PM Barmes: HYOOGE today
18 minutes
5:08 PM me: current temp: 88
6 minutes
5:15 PM Kevin: no snow here this weekend
any shit burning up yet?
5:16 PM me: i'm a little hot
5:18 PM Phil Hughes about to be fucking HAMMERED
5:19 PM Kevin: why did you do that smiff?
5:20 PM me: wasnt i pointing out the obvious?
15 minutes
5:35 PM me: run 1 - on a perfect pitch! oh, the humanity!
actually, huMANNYity
5:37 PM Kevin: so he got outtta da inning wif only one run?
5:38 PM me: N O P E
Kevin: ruh-roh
andy rooney is looking at fruit at the grocery
5:39 PM me: ground rule double - ha HAH
Kevin: "what would i do with a papaya?" i have a suggestion
me: "I don't like fruit...too fruity!"
5:40 PM Kevin: "we didn't call them blueberries, we called them huckleberrys..." zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... and you were grateful?
me: STICK IT UP YOUR ONE HUNDRED YEAR OLD ASS?
dats what they were called in the 1800s? how quaint. they had slavery, too
Kevin: he's whimsical... i would ike to have a beer with him
5:41 PM me: i would like to get drunk and pummel him senseless
5:42 PM Kevin: dat wud be awesome
5:43 PM me: 2-0 Sox
i blame Andy Rooney
wild pitch! 3-0
i blame you on dat one
Kevin: johnny kwaito -- tough one tonight
5:44 PM me: i blame you
5:47 PM Kevin: tonight: block 50 chardonnay -- six bucks at trader joe's
me: Hughes: AWFUL
i'm out! might have to run down to the 9/11
Kevin: bring a breathing apparatus
5:48 PM me: we'll see how many runs Hughes gives up in the 2nd...
5:49 PM Kevin: strategery - bring in joel pineiro to face the aaa giants. result - savage beating
add k-mad trying to be clever to the list of things that are still what they always have been
5:51 PM me: yezzzzur
5:52 PM Kevin: stimulus: jotting down zach miner's name as a round 38 possibility. response: savage beating
5:55 PM just noticed tallet's line today. fearsome!
11 minutes
6:06 PM me: unstoppable
6:07 PM do response on dat Crede trade wif Wong?
Hughes gets thru da 2nd!
take dat HATERS (myself)
6:08 PM Kevin: crede offer not bad, he's keeper quality as long as he's healthy. health risk is probly da only complication
me: i countered wif a 14
6:09 PM Kevin: he's trader wong -- it'll get done somehow
6:10 PM me: not always - i've told him to phokk off more than once
working on my FUCKING taxes
FUCK
6:11 PM Kevin: i would be a smartyass and point out that i did mine in febrooary...
except that i also did my 2006 and 2005 at the same time
6:12 PM it's not like da phokkers needed da money
6:13 PM me: hmmm, maybe i'll wait a coupla years den, but i wouldn't get dat 600 in cash money dere sending out (bribe)
6:14 PM Kevin: yeah you shhould file so dey send you your bribe... guatemala two goals in da last cuppla minutes
me: am i part of Operation Enduring Freedom?
6:15 PM christ, gin & tonic time
Kevin: dere is a hole in da ground wif your name on it over deres
6:16 PM me: coo
6:17 PM Kevin: gotz to call mary and tell her what i phink of her ppt prezentation (interview at notre dame weds-thurs)
6:18 PM me: i pfink it kicks ass
6:22 PM Kevin: shocker: bulls DESTROYED tonight. arent dey dead yet?
me: deres still playing?
not so shocking: Zeniths outta da money it looks
9 minutes
6:32 PM me: annuder run in 4-1 i cont. to blame you
Kevin: sounds like you have trouble taking responsibility
6:34 PM me: 5-1.............
and......
he....
GUONE
Kevin: finally
some good news
6:36 PM me: time to get a bottle of wine......
OH LORD:
6:37 PM Kevin: oh yes
me: Dorf on Pitching is in
"a nightmare for Phil Hughes tonight"
Kevin: well den... dis is his last chance to get whatever whatever whatever outta his system before he starts pitching for da horrorzzz
6:38 PM me: one out!
Coco up...
Kevin: while we're at it...
is obama retoddid?
6:39 PM how eager you gotz to be to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?
me: mebbe
6:40 PM two outs!!
6:41 PM so Tiger lost to a white guy from South Africa?
Kevin: yeah spin that one
6:42 PM me: golf legends: another thing we now suck at
WILD PITCH!
6:43 PM anudder run!
Dorf!
6:44 PM Kevin: i blame pennsylvanians clinging to guns religion and hostility to immigrants
6:45 PM me: base hit!
Kevin: i blame you
me: anudder run!
6:46 PM SEVEN RUNS CHARGED TO HYOOOOOGHSUCKS
none to da Dorfman - doesn't seem fair
6:47 PM taxes: confused
Kevin: datz da idea
6:48 PM if you were a plutocrat whut could afford a good accountant, you wunt have dis prollem
me: yeah, shoulda though of dat
6:49 PM Kevin: whyzzit always up to me to point out da obvious?
me: ok, straight off, there is supossed to be a box 7 on the W-2
and yet, there isn't one
6:50 PM it goes 5, 6...9, 10
Kevin: yeah dat rocks
i luv dat
me: thanx, asshole
6:51 PM Kevin: hey you culda voted for da huckster and shut down da irs
17 minutes
7:08 PM me: in your honor, i picked up a Black Swan Shirazez for $7.
i'm sure it will suck
7:09 PM Kevin: i will be honored to hear how much it sucks'
7:10 PM me: got to finish the gin first and these FUCKING TAXES
Kevin: screw off cap?
me: let's see here
no
Kevin: worriesome
7:11 PM me: New Look! Same BOLD Taste
Kevin: giving normie da remote is a sure ticket to an eclectic ride across the cosmos. now getting a glimpse of pope ratzo going through files of the inquisition
7:12 PM meanwhile da chix'zz need to pick up annudder new OF
killed annudder one, aldough in fairness, roberts was already dead when we found him
me: don't drink and pick...
7:13 PM Kevin: too late
me: uh oh - what did you do?
7:14 PM Kevin: nuffin yet but brett carroll is batting his eyes at me
wait -- is dat jody gerut?
7:15 PM me: Grapes, sun wind, a dash of daring, unfiltered laughter, the feeling of leaving work at 3pm on a Thursday, the rush of having your favorite cafe name a dessert after you, the pride of filling page 6 of your passport...
Gerut is da minors
Kevin: whatever da phokk you're reading, some of us live in da real world (NOT kollyforniya)
7:16 PM chris SHNELLLLLing was brought up today
i phink
me: ...in other words, black cherry boldness accented with a dash of peppery spice-authentically, delightfully unpredictable. SIP, SAVOR, ENJOY THE BLACK SWAN LIFE.
at only $7 a bottle!
7:17 PM Shnelling: poped out today, i saw dat
popped
Kevin: wow, sounds like you are in da catbird seat over deres
me: he should be good for 3 popouts a week
Kevin: sounds like a chick
me: two words:
RAJAH DAVIS
7:18 PM Kevin: wily mo coyote called activated today
rajah davis is ALREADY a chick -- DUH!
me: ohhhhhhhh...sorry to hear dat
hopw about dis guy the Giants brought up...
Kevin: you dont subscribe to da chixzzzz timezzzzz?
7:19 PM john bow-wow-wowker?
me: yeah, yeah
7:20 PM Kevin: chix already gotz roberts, raj-d, and ortmeier -- sorta feeling drunk on crappy giants OFers
7:21 PM me: he's hot 2 HRs already
7:22 PM it also assures one of the losers will be playing
John Bowker (OF, SF)
The 24 year-old had his best year offensively in '07, achieving career-highs in doubles and HR. For his career, Bowker has hit .296/.352/.472. He doesn't have any plus tools offensively, but he does a lot of things well. He has moderate power, mostly to the pull side, and has been able to hit for a high BA due to his quick hands. Bowker, a left-handed hitter, also has found a way to hit lefties. He does strike out a lot - 100+ Ks in each of the past three seasons. His approach is also on the aggressive side and he doesn't have much speed. Defensively, Bowker is best suited for LF. He has good range and is instinctual, but has a below average arm. He's expected to get some starts over the next few weeks and could supply some much-needed offensive punch.
Kevin: or it could be da block 50 chardonnay -- six bucks at trader joes
me: it could be...IT IS!
7:24 PM Kevin: i would rather DESTROY mister SCHNELLLLLLing
7:25 PM me: he doesn't need your help
he's injured every part of his body
Kevin: spose dat is redunnant
me: TWICE
7:26 PM Kevin: i'm just glad fisk navigated the minefield of time zone changes to survive the weekend
it's like indiana around here, nobody knows what da phokk time it is
7:28 PM me: i'm still on Step 1 of my taxes - so maybe dat whole thing was my fault
7:29 PM Kevin: prollaby
7:30 PM dont forget to write "GEORGE W BUSH IS A PHOKKING @$$#O|3" on the memo line of your check
me: never gonna get that far
7:31 PM really, ii'm thinking of starting over with another online filer
govt should be run more like a business
7:35 PM Kevin: you phink you got prollems -- i';m trying to re-do the horror lineup
should prolly pay a few bills too
too late -- drinking
7:36 PM me: i've moved onto turbotax
7:37 PM FUCK EMSMARTTAX RIGHT DOWNTOWN AND PRINT IT
7:39 PM Kevin: nickelanddimemudderphokkers
7:41 PM me: "This person passed away before filing this return."
Kevin: possibly
me: really sums up everypfing
Kevin: i phink so
7:46 PM me: figgered out da prollem...
would you believe:
Smiff was to blame!
Kevin: no
7:50 PM me: so i'm back at efarttax and on dere W-2 form where asks for the control # in box a, even though on the actual form it is in box d
i'm confused again
Kevin: cant you just make some s#i+ up?
me: and they have my SS# in box d, when on the form it is in box a
back to turbotax...
7:52 PM FUCK ESMARTTAX RIGHT DOWNTOWN AND PRINT IT
7 minutes
7:59 PM me: prollem at turbotax - i'm cosnidering not filing and going OFF GRD
GRID
8:00 PM Kevin: though it did not work for me, i phink it it worf a tryu
try
8:01 PM me: i think i'm gonna i'm dat wine now
and fuck everypfing
5 minutes
8:07 PM Kevin: John Bowker homered for the second straight day on Sunday when he took Cardinals starter Joel Pinerio deep for a two-run blast.
Bowker also added a sacrifice fly and an RBI single, leaving him with four RBI on the day. The left-hander had a pretty nice season for Double-A Connecticut in 2007, hitting .307 with 22 homers and 35 doubles. That line looks even better when considering he was playing in a park that substantially favored pitchers. He's an underrated prospect who would have some value in NL-only leagues if given three or four starts per week.
me: day wine didnt have a real cork in it - concern?
Kevin: no i phink that is good
cork SUCKS
me: yeah, pick up Schnelling
Kevin: artificial cork better
twist-off best
8:09 PM me: wow it's BOLD
Kevin: shiraz is bold
me: PEPPERY
8:11 PM Kevin: just opened a cheap shiraz here -- SUCKS. not peppery, not bold
for future reference -- just cuz its at trader joes and its really cheap doesnt mean its good
8:12 PM me: really? like i've been sayin' - everyphing is a scam
8 minutes
8:20 PM me: Ken asking anudder idiotic question
why is there crap in my pants?
8:21 PM also:
Wong ignoring me
8:22 PM Monks backup C could be INJ - i am SHOCKED
8:23 PM actually he was the backup to the backup who is injured
Kevin: souds like you got chikken prollems
8:24 PM me: Fants have the 1st good offensive day of the year, i think
be prepared: Milton Bradley soon to be SHITCANNED
8:25 PM didn't start either of the last two games
probably has an ingrown toenail
8:28 PM Kevin: dumb dumb dumb dumb question
8:33 PM me: ok: George "FUCKING ASSHOLE" Bush owes me $831
8:34 PM but i've never gotten a refund like dat, so i musta did sumfing wrong
so
should i pay $9.95 for audit protection?
or just LET IT ROLL
i'm depending on YOU
8:35 PM Kevin: you: totally phokked
me: is that a no? yes? mebbe?
8:36 PM Kevin: george w bush is a phokking a$$hole
me: we covered dat...for 7 years
8:38 PM Kevin: well if yer really getting $831 back, 10 bucks insurance doesnt seem like so much
8:39 PM but i went to h+r block this year and paid them MEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLIONNZZZZZZZZ so what da phokk do i know?
8:40 PM hint: not a whole phokking lottofamuch
on my phird bottlawine tonight dough so must be doing somephing right
8:41 PM dis just in dough - george w bush is a phokking @###0|3
8:42 PM me: three bottles?
is there a AAmeeting nearby?
8:43 PM Kevin: "are you proud of me? can i go home now? -- brownie "brownie" brown
8:45 PM speaking of dead people: 4/13 10:05 pm: Jonathan Papelbon won't be available to pitch on Sunday night, MLB.com confirms. He had to wait through a long rain delay to close the game on Saturday and is simply getting the day off.
8:46 PM he will be missed
me: Turbotax charges $31 to file a state return: can you spell: R I P O F F ?
Kevin: no i cannot but dat does sound purdy expensive
8:47 PM me: yeah, i told them to FUCK OFF
Kevin: dat musta been satisfying
8:48 PM me: i'd pay $10 fer the convenience, but $31? i also told them AND PRINT IT
Kevin: did you mention RIGHT DOWNTOWN?
dey prolly figgered as much anyway
8:50 PM me: oh, right - just told 'em - also told 'em to FUCK OFF again in case they didn't hear the first time
55 minutes
9:45 PM me: Joe Crede is mine!
he'll be dead soon
Kevin: i will blame you den
9:46 PM me: AND i still have my supp pick left
9:47 PM Kevin: AND micah bowie: available
9:48 PM me: i am shocked to hear there is corruption in Iraq - i mean, everything else has been going so well
Kevin: need i add: tyler yikes
that is disappointing but i'm sure they will muddle frough
me: don't add
5 minutes
9:54 PM me: 4th bottle?
9:55 PM Kevin: should i?
9:56 PM me: what could possibly go wrong?
Kevin: k
9:57 PM me: Rezko is involved - wah roh
9:59 PM Franquelis?
what is a Randor Bierd?
10:02 PM Kevin: whu? are you making up words now?
me: mebbe
10:03 PM Not much to go on for Bierd, but it's apparent that the Orioles are trying to catch lightning in a bottle here. Bierd was marginally impressive in spring training (11.1 IP, 2.38 ERA, 5.7 Dom, 1.4 Cmd), but last year's 144 BPV is enough to catch anyone's eye, no matter the level of competition. Bierd appears to have good command and the ability to limit home runs, but let's see how that translates to major league performance. Bierd is worth monitoring, but not worth rostering just yet.
how duz Henry Blanco sound?
10:04 PM i figger Montero is never coming back, and Barajas will be gone for weeks, months
10:05 PM Kevin: dis just in - my head hurts. it is prollaby nuffing to worry about
10:08 PM me: k
10:09 PM Kevin: montero is a prairie chicken so he is prollaby coughing up blood as you read this
me: yes, and a Bluestem?
10:11 PM Kevin: why yes! he was!
news item: • Obama accuses rivals of twisting his words for political gain
he will be missed
11 minutes
10:23 PM me: dat cancer guy wuz pretty kool
Kevin: who dat?
10:24 PM 60 minutes?
me: on da 60 minutes
let's save the plutocrats first
10:26 PM Kevin: i missed him, but genelly speaking, plutocratic illnesses are tragic, while the deaths of poor PHOKKS is sorta unfortunate but necessary
10:27 PM me: watch it online
did guy invented a cure machine in his kitchen
10:28 PM radio waves and shit get in dere and kick cancer's ASS
Kevin: in udder words, if faith-based initiatives work for the economy, than ability-to-pay-based-initiatives work for miracles
ow cancer's balls?
10:29 PM me: mebbe
worked on rats
Kevin: like from the toilet?
me: da terlet?
Kevin: yes
10:30 PM me: what about terlets?
did you open more wine?
Kevin: possibly
also - its like tomorrow an s#i+ here
10:31 PM me: being there sucks
Kevin: yes it does
10:32 PM so den... i better get some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...s
10:33 PM me: z