Meet the King ... the Prairie King

Best comment: "Can you eat them??"



Welcome to Boomer Country!
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Beleaguered | be·lea·guered (bē-lē-gərd)

DePaul (6-3) at Northern Illinois (0-8) (ET)

"Northern Illinois's season has been a struggle thus far as it is currently 0-8 after some tough losses. The Huskies' low point came as it lost to Nebraska- Omaha, a non Division I opponent. Coach Mark Montgomery's team has struggled offensively as it is averaging just 54 points per game on 35.5 percent shooting from the field. The Huskies have allowed their opponents to average 72.3 points per game on 43.8 percent shooting from the floor."
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"'Fighting Is What Redneck People Do," Explained Drunk Guy Who Shot Lawnmower..."

The article doesn't explain what his lawnmower did to piss him off.

Just in time for Christmas!

Though it's a bit humiliating that the Brits beat us to this...

"The urinal-based video game system uses infrared sensors to enable users to steer down a ski slope while knocking over penguins or perform other simple actions by aiming their urine to the left, right, or center."
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"If Carnival and Las Vegas had a baby, this would be the placenta"

"The Marlins are planning a structure beyond the center-field wall of their new ballpark. This structure will light up and make a fancy hullabaloo whenever a Marlin hits a home run. And remember, they have Mike Stanton, so they could be firing up this thing quite a bit.

"Now close your eyes, and think about what this structure might look like. Go ahead. Let your imagination run wild...

"Behold. This is what will happen when the Marlins hit a home run. It's what Bernie Brewer thinks he's sliding down after a couple buttons of peyote. Don't avert your eyes. Look at it. Study it. This is what we've become."
~

Think your airline sucks?

BBC News - Comtel Air probe after passengers 'told to buy fuel':

"An airline is set to investigate reports that it asked passengers to pay £20,000 towards the cost of fuel to complete their journey to the UK."

An airline - investigating itself? Good luck wid dat!

This is why we fail.

Love this article. But even better are the comments.

How can you not love this. Comment 1.10

ARTICLE:

When Danford planted watermelons last year, he estimates he paid a trucking company close to $10 million to transport them.

COMMENTER:

10 million? Is that a misprint? If he can spend that much on transportation, then he can pay more than $10 an hour.

ARTICLE:

But what if he paid a higher hourly wage? The going rate now is $10 an hour. "The [pickle] company wouldn't buy it from you then," [the farmer] says. They'd turn to suppliers in other states where labor is cheaper -- states that allow undocumented immigrants to continue working under the radar.

COMMENTER:

Could someone please explain to me how this works? Why would the pickle company care how much you pay your workers? I guess I am ignorant in the ways of farming.

That comment is precious to me. You had me at ... . Oh well, nevermind.

Another commenter pointed out that the farmer had essentially admitted to hiring illegal laborers and should be jailed. The big tent of the right. Small government, big jails.

When Cupcakes Attack (cont'd)

Carthage College wins its tuneup for its big season-opener against Martin Luther (who throws a mean two-handed set shot).

Carthage College 74, Northern Illinois 70
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There are almost as many suckers who read this blog as contributors!

We're like, awesome.

Please delight in this curious trifle, to-day

When saying something flamboyantly brain-dead, it's best to USE ALL CAPS BECAUSE YOU NEED BE MORE CLEAR

More infuriating elevator bullcrap

Alright, so its probably meant only to provoke, but the elevator flashes up today's crap. Most Americans believe that women should be legally required to change their last names to their husband's last name at marriage. I guess the study is from a couple years ago, but ugh.

I'm guessing if you polled a certain subsection of this wonderful land, you would find a group who is in favor of cutting viable male babies out of the wombs of their pregnant mothers and wood chipping the women.

Let's just go back to this:

"If a man happens to meet a virgin woman who is not engaged to be married, and he seizes her and rapes her, but is caught in the act, the rapist must pay the girl's father fifty silver shekels. She must marry the rapist, because he has violated her. And so long as he lives he may not divorce her."

Zombie Nation

President most Americans want back to handle our economic crisis ... Reagan.

Observed in the elevator this morning. Charities that Americans would most want to volunteer their time for ... No. 1 Animal charities at 17%; No. 2 poor and needy 15%.

I can't help thinking Orwell would be proud.

Love this title

Cougar spotted roaming central Wisconsin

I'm not going to read the article and just going to assume that some rich middle aged lady is cruising around Eau Claire looking for some cheese fed hunks...

SIMPSONS DID IT!

Mmmm, three eyes, aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhh

Fishermen in Córdoba, Argentina caught a three-eyed wolf fish in a reservoir fed by a local nuclear power plant, which will surely hinder the plant's owner's attempt to run for local office.

The fishermen say their discovery, which actually bears no resemblance to Blinky the three-eyed fish from The Simpsons, has begun to worry local residents who live near the reactor. And instead of feasting on their catch, and presumably gaining superpowers from its probable high levels of radiation, the men have decided to let it be tested to see if the mutation was actually a result of it being exposed to the water from the nuclear plant. After that they plan to have it embalmed for posterity, or sell it to Fox as a promotional item for their long running, and eerily prophetic, animated series. [Infobae via Geekologie]

This is probably nothing to worry about (cont'd) ... wait ... what's that about coffee?

Tendentious lefty diatribe on global warming/food scarcity nexus, and even more ominously, global warming/coffee scarcity nexus
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Where Cain got 9-9-9 from

He just turned 666 over...

Job Creator Brainstorming, or, Onion or Real (cont'd)?, or, The Dumbshine State (cont'd)

"I'm on a quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people," Workman said. "This is an example of Big Brother government.

"All that it does is prevent some dwarfs from getting jobs they would be happy to get," Workman said. "In this economy, or any economy, why would we want to prevent people from getting gainful employment?"
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Sox fans, get used to more of this

Which of these was heard on Fox News and which appeared in a reputable news source (the Onion)?

Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,' Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

[Plutocrat] Complains Boston Protesters Got "Between Me And A Steak Dinner."

Of course, the Onion is a satirical newspaper, but then Fox News is a satirical television network, so this could be splitting hairs.
~

On the agenda for next week: putting Brawndo on the crops

Pinellas County Commission votes to stop putting fluoride in water supply

"Fluoride is a toxic substance," said tea party activist Tony Caso of Palm Harbor. "This is all part of an agenda that's being pushed forth by the so-called globalists in our government and the world government to keep the people stupid so they don't realize what's going on."

He added: "This is the U.S. of A, not the Soviet Socialist Republic."

He Gone!

You know who I mean. Don't even need to link to anything. I tell you what.

He'll be grabbing some bench elsewhere. Who'll be grabbing some Sox bench? I think it's time to bring Jerry Manuel back - the complete opposite of Ozzie. But sigh, you know the Sox will grab some inexperienced guy to become a first time manager - haven't they done that the last 8 times?

Life won't be as entertaining without him. You can put that on the board.

Skilly Sez®

Yesterday: rain. Today: rain. Tomorrow: rain. Wednesday: rain. Thursday: rain.

There is probably an interesting story behind that

News item: Dodgers Dress Mexican Pitcher As Taco
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Making $#!+ up: Fox Sports Division

Get a brain MORAN!

Literally Unbelievable » "this Moran":

This is your intestine on drugs...

Irishman caught with 72 cocaine capsules in Brazil:

Onion, or ya gotta be phokking kidding me?

Pat Robertson Says Alzheimer's Is Grounds for Divorce:

Bacon: An Ongoing Celebration (Cont'd)

Twenty contestants, 300 pounds of bacon, one day: This is the Bacon Takedown, returning to Chicago for a second year this September. When asked what was the most creative item on the last Takedown’s menu, creator Matt Timms replies “bacon taffy” with little hesitation, but can’t choose a favorite dish.
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The terrists have won (cont)

Cookies strike fear on flight - chicagotribune.com:

Rick Perry gets a message from God

Onion, or real, or painfully unaware of the difference, or just pretending to be painfully unaware of the difference?

It's so hard to tell anymore...
~

Back to my youth...

Sid Meier's Civilisation • reghardware:

Classic game, wasted a good chunk of college on it. Civ II - even more awesomer. Civ III - never finished. Civ IV - never finished. Civ V - now we're talking again!

How to market baseball in Texas

Kids! Get a Rangers football Sunday night!

First World Problems (cont)

BBC News - Dog thefts on increase in US:

Except we don't walk anywhere, so...

BBC News - Mobile phones could soon be 'powered by walking':

Nice idea, but won't work for us drive everywhere fat blips...

Chinese birds (commies?) duped by liberal Main Stream Media into flying for cold climates

And what has the streak-throated fulvetta (sounds dirty) ever done for us anyway?
~

Which of these idiots looks more prezzzdential?

For my money, it's Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

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Now even plants and animals have joined in on YOOOOGE global warming FRAUD...

... or, perpetrators of most elaborate hoax ever going to ever more elaborate lengths (like moving plants and animals) to perpetrate hoax (cont'd)

From the current issue of Science and Shit:

"On average, the team finds, creatures move both up mountains and farther away from the equator at a speed that keeps pace with the rate of climate change and at a pace that is far faster than previously predicted."

That's it, run away, Chicken Littles... ya gonna cry now?

Ah, the memories...

http://latticeofcoincidence.blogspot.com/search/label/likes PIZZA
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Prerequisite for Republican nomination: convince the base you're as dumb as they are

The GOP candidates have no time for your "science," scientists


"Here we are in 2011, and we are still daily relitigating the Scopes Monkey Trial..."
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BREAKING: Hendry: 'We didn't win enough'

BREAKING: Cubs fire GM Jim "Anchovies" Hendry after 9 sad, beautiful years

Could be good for the Cubs, but bad for this blog, and for scrappy, middle-aged ballplayers everywhere. In tribute, I'm cramming in one last round of Hendry tags.

WTF is wrong with us?

Sarge at the Apple Store?

Why Does This Guy Have an Assault Rifle at the Apple Store?

I thought you were supposed to blend in...

Unclear on multiple concepts

Woman burned while smoking and using oxygen - chicagotribune.com

Pork Soda

It's like drinkin' a pig!
~

Coach Dikka loves him some Sarah Palin

‘Ultra-ultra-ultra-conservative’ Coach Dikka praises Palin in profanity laced speech

"A self-described 'ultra-ultra-ultra-conservative,' back in 2004 Dikka! actually considered mounting a U.S. Senate run against Barack Obama, who went on to win the 2008 presidential election."

You mean he could have prevented all this? But he was too yeller?? And dat's Da Coach? My PHOKKING ASS!!

http://youtu.be/2kXX0xxuF3A
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We suck (cont)

Barring a SHOCKING development, this should be the 95th post of the year. We did 98 in a WEEK once. Lots of baseball and lolcats. Also spider pig.

Is K-Mad EVER going to update the label count? Does Brain Dead Bob still exist? Anybody?

[insert own joke here]

Bobby Jenks (back) is undergoing a colonoscopy Monday.

You know, just in case you were curious. Jenks was just beginning to make progress in his rehab from a back injury, so this will obviously set him back a few days. The veteran right-hander has been limited to just 19 appearances with Boston this season. (And in those 19 appearances he HAS SUCKED.--ed.)

~

Colbert on Adam Dunn and Craig Counsell: "The human body just does not naturally suck this hard"

Colbert Report: Sport Report - Baseball's Lowest Records, Gambling on Players & Stephen Controls MLB's Twitter Feed
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Now we can get back to the really important debates

Should hot dogs be served with ketchup?

Heck yes! (2044 responses) 43%
Hell no! (2690 responses) 57%
4734 total responses
(Results not scientific, but idiotic)

"Sure, it would be disgusting and perverted, and they would be shaming themselves and their loved ones. But under our system of government, it is their right to be barbarians."
-- Mike Royko

"Children love the delightful red stuff on their dogs."
~

more brains, less pizza

Cubs Really Hendried It This Time

by Jason Brannon • Aug 1, 2011 5:17 PM EDT

Jim "Moral Hazard" Hendry wants you to know he won't just give players away, no matter what all these straw men want him to do:

Hendry said before the weekend started that he was not going to make a deal just to make a deal and that he was not going to give players away.

I'm so sick of all these jerks who want Hendry to give players away for nothing. Thanks for not listening to nobody's terrible advice, Jim!

~

Brain Dead Bob outed?

I see @branededbob was hacked and has been sending out spam. Hmmm, the same week Corm's gmail account was hacked... coincidink?

hey everyone you've got to check out this article! I made $420 today so far...

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The ultimate Republican win-win - destroy Obama AND America

They wouldn't take a deal that would have cut the accumulation of debt by anywhere from 2.7 to 4 trillion, so instead we get this. If they hate taxes so much, why do they want us all to pay higher interest on everything?

Obama could win and lose at the same time, striking a deal to avoid default but failing to pass muster on the substance of that deal with credit agencies, which could go ahead and downgrade the rating anyway.
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Just how bad are the Cubs?

The Mariners have lost 17 games in a row and still have a better record than they do.

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Kill Kenny takes a dump and slides through it

Not to mention Adam Dunn... And the cost for renting Edwin Jackson? Daniel Hudson.

Mark Gonzalez of the Chicago Tribune reports that the Blue Jays will send right-hander Zach Stewart to the White Sox along with Jason Frasor in the trade for Edwin Jackson and Mark Teahen (who is AWFUL).
This deal is essentially a salary dump for the White Sox, but Stewart certainly has value. The 24-year-old right-hander made his major league debut last month and has a 4.20 ERA and 74/24 K/BB ratio over 16 starts with Double-A New Hampshire this season. He could be a potential set-up man or closer if he doesn't make it as a starter.

The White Sox have benched struggling center fielder Alex Rios.
The White Sox have finally run out of patience with Rios, who is batting just .208/.255/.300 with six homers and a .555 OPS over 384 plate appearances this season. Alejandro De Aza was called up from the minors on Wednesday and will start in center field for the interim. It's in Chicago's best interest for Rios to figure things out, though, as he is still owed $12 million next season, $12.5 million in 2013 and 2014 and $13.5 million or a $1 million buyout in 2015. (DOH!)

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Can Republicans read newspapers?, Or, I don't think anybody expected that Tea Partiers could do something catastrophically stupid

Crain's: How a federal default would hit Chicago and Illinois

A downgrade of the federal government's AAA credit rating "would likely lead ratings agencies to downgrade every state," an Illinois Office of Management and Budget spokeswoman said in a statement. "This action would add hundreds of millions of dollars in interest costs to bonds we sell in the future. Money we desperately need in our state to educate our students, ensure public safety and protect our seniors would now be used to pay interest costs..."

If there is some kind of default next week, the market reaction would no doubt be furious: Credit markets might quickly grind to a halt, much as they did after the bankruptcy of Lehman Bros. plunged the world into financial crisis three years ago, at least until Congress and the White House finally come to terms...

Bottom line, the market's behavior indicates that investors just don't believe Washington is stupid enough to let the government default and plunge the economy into full-tilt recession. At worst, they assume that an actual default would spur action without further delay.

The economic damage and political fallout "would be too much for even the Tea partiers to let that go on for too long," said Justin Hoogendoorn, fixed-income strategist in the Chicago office of BMO Capital Markets, a Bank of Montreal unit. "I don't think anybody in the bond market expects that to happen." (Based on what, exactly? - Ed.)
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Onion or real (cont)?

"How do I insert a CD to the iPad 2?"

There's gotta be a site for ______ (cont)

Damn You Auto Correct! - Funny iPhone Fails and Autocorrect Horror Stories

That's great. Now how about getting his eyes checked.

Adam Dunn has been receiving treatment on one of his knees.

Dunn is not in Chicago's starting lineup on Wednesday for a second straight game. He's expected to be fine by this weekend's three-game series against the Indians.

~

The real f'n Chicago Cubs are back!

I was getting a little worried along about the 7th inning last night when suddenly the Cubs appeared...

CHICAGO -- Vance Worley dominated over eight innings, Jimmy Rollins homered from both sides of the plate and the Philadelphia Phillies pounded Ryan Dempster and the Chicago Cubs 9-1 on a scorching Wednesday at Wrigley Field...

But finally some good news...

Alfonso Soriano remained ice-cold Wednesday, going 0-for-3 against the Phillies.

Soriano has opened the second half 1-for-21, and his average has dropped from .270 on June 30 to .249 now. On the plus side, he's only signed through 2014.

~

Republicans and the thinking problem

Eight in 10 Republicans in a new Washington Post-ABC News poll say a default would cause serious harm to the economy, but just 30 percent say it’s essential to raise the limit in a contemporaneous Pew Research Center poll. And 47 percent of Republicans in a new NBC/WSJ poll say that not raising the debt limit would be a "real and serious problem."

Epic Photo

From a BBC story on - well, I'll let you guess...

Ozzie Guillen would like a lineup of 100 of these players...

...including himself!

The 100 Worst Baseball Players Of All Time: A Celebration

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Still true, 4 years later...

Watching a South Park from 2007. Stan & Kyle meet Jay Cutler, then the Broncos QB, at a party. Stan says to him "Well, you kinda suck, but my Dad says you might be great one day!" We're still waiting...

Lies, damn lies, and statistics (cont)

Realty trade group overreported Chicago home prices - chicagotribune.com

This sack of shit makes $19 million a year???!!!

“There isn’t a player that I’m more proud of in the last 15 years than Derek Jeter. He has played the game like it should be played,” Bud Selig said. “He’s even been a better human being off the field, as great as he is on the field. So any concerns I keep hearing about Derek Jeter isn’t here. I respect that. And I must tell you, I think I’d have made the same decision that Derek Jeter did. So any suggestion to the contrary, Derek Jeter has brought to this sport great pride. He’s become a role model, earned it and is still earning it.”

But YOU said the All Star Game counts, it matters! But no one wants to play in the thing. Which...YOU seem cool with! ANOTHER YEAR OF THIS INCOMPETENCE? FUCK! Jesus H. Christ, George W. Fucking Bush would be a better commissioner! YOU SUCK!!

Should the @Fungsterm Geek out and get this?

Star Trek PADD App Available Today

Loyal to a fault

He doesn't want to be traded to a contender, he doesn't want to play in the All-Star game...he's just all about the floundering Cubs. They need to get more players like this.

Aramis Ramirez turned down an opportunity to be an All-Star.
NL manager Bruce Bochy asked Ramirez to be the replacement for the injured Placido Polanco. Ramirez will instead fly from Pittsburgh to the Dominican Republic to spend the break. He is batting .300 with 15 homers and 51 RBI this season.

BREAKING: THIS IS WHY A-RAM DOESN'T WANT TO BE TRADED: MUST HAVE A BRAIN.

Carlos Beltran said accepting a trade to the Red Sox would be a "no-brainer."
Beltran will be a free agent after this season upon completion of his seven-year, $119 million deal with the Mets. Beltran has a full no-trade clause and was asked if he would waive it to join Boston. "They're in first place," he said. "That's a no-brainer."

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Animals phokking with hyooomans big time

Animals harbour a deadly time bomb

Human affection for animals - wild and domestic - has a darker side. It is estimated that 75 per cent of emerging infectious diseases in people - many of them fatal - originate in animals.

Hyooooomans phokking with animals

Ultimate Dog Tease
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Nature phokking with hyoooomans (cont'd)

Baseball-sized hail reported in Chicago.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif




Full screen, since Blogger and YouTube don't always like each other.
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Toles on Negotiation

Has there ever in all of time been a negotiation where one side said: “we will not compromise one single tiny bit on any thing whatsoever, even reasonable things, and if you do not yield on all points, completely and massively, we will take an action that we know will hurt everyone, including all innocent bystanders.” One, anyway, that was reported in newspapers as being a “negotiation?” I think tornados negotiate like that.

Nature phokking with hyoooomans

Turtles crossing runway cause New York flight delays - chicagotribune.com

More Hyooomans phokking with nature

Ducks rescued on Lake Shore Drive - chicagotribune.com

Stoooopid 'Mercans (cont)

Too many Whole Foods treats, so deer must leave Lake View - Chicago Sun-Times

A deer and two fawns living in a Lake View courtyard will be moved by Animal Control because residents continue to feed the babies milk from bottles and organic apples from Whole Foods. (Only the best organic stuff will do for Bambi - ed).

Feeding the animals could ultimately be harmful to the deer, and possibly to people if the doe came back and found them too near her babies, officials said.

Animal Control, which has been monitoring the situation for about a week, does not “normally get involved with a situation with a wild animal,” unless the animal is in danger or poses a threat, said City Animal Care and Control Commissioner Cherie Travis.

Since the deer were uninjured and were not bothering anyone, the agency left them alone, and asked area residents to do the same.

But residents couldn’t seem to leave nature to its own course.

“We just asked people not to feed them,” Travis said. “Unfortunately people did not heed our advice.”

The signs asking people not to feed the animals were taken down.

“We were aware people were feeding the fawns with a baby bottle (are you phokking kidding me? ed) when the mother was not there,” Travis said. This could be dangerous to the fawns and those feeding them, she explained.

If residents bring them food, the deer will make themselves comfortable there and that’s a possibility with the Lake View deer, Travis said. “People are going to Whole Foods and giving them organic apples.”

An additional concern, which Ald. Tom Tunney’s office contacted Animal Care about, was the gay pride parade on June 26, which is expected to bring hundreds of thousands of people to the neighborhood, some of whom could be inebriated. (so gays + alcohol = shitstorm of biblical proportions that the deer won't survive? ed)

So now the animals will be moved, but Travis said that is no easy proposition.

“We’re looking at a lot of different options to remove them as humanely (dey ain't hyoomans - ed)as possible,” she said. “We are exploring a lot of options, none of which are really good.”

If only we paid this much attention to hyooomans in need...

Skilly Sez®

Today: rain. Tomorrow: rain. Saturday: rain. Sunday: rain. Monday: rain. Tuesday: rain. Wednesday: rain.

Literally Unbelievable (cont)

Security guard tries to remove wart from finger with a shotgun - Local stories - Yorkshire Post

A SECURITY guard from South Yorkshire shot himself in the hand to try to remove a wart from his finger.

Sean Murphy, 38, lost most of his left middle finger after using the stolen 12-bore Beretta shotgun at a garden centre in Doncaster.

He also landed in court for using an illegal firearm, and was handed a 16-week suspended prison sentence.

Murphy was told at Doncaster Magistrates’ Court that the offence carried a maximum 15 year term.

But he said: “The best thing is that the wart has gone. It was giving me lot of trouble.” (every cloud has a silver lining - ed)

Murphy, a security officer at Markham Grange Nurseries, Brodsworth, at the time of the incident in March, has since lost his job. He had suffered with the wart on the joint closest to the tip of his middle finger for more than five years.

He said: “It was hurting a lot and causing my finger to bend. I’d been to the doctors and tried all sorts of things but it wouldn’t go.

“I didn’t expect to lose my finger as well when I shot it but the gun recoiled and that was it. The wart was gone and so was most of my finger. There was nothing left, so no chance to re-attach it.”

Murphy, of Kings Road, Doncaster, pleaded guilty to theft of the shotgun by finding and possessing it without a valid firearms certificate.

Police were called to Markham Grange on the afternoon of March 13 to discover an injured man with a missing finger. He told them he had used a shotgun he had found in a hedge bottom near the nursery three months earlier.

An investigation showed it was taken during a burglary in 2009 but Murphy said he had no knowledge of that.

Martin Ward, prosecuting, said: “On the afternoon in question he had some drink.” (yes, as always, blame it on the alcohol - ed)

Richard Haigh, defending, said Murphy had been ‘a victim of his own stupidity’ when domestic pressures got to him.

District Judge Jonathan Bennett told the defendant: “I don’t know what was going on in your mind.”

Murphy was also ordered to complete 100 hours of unpaid community work and pay costs of £100

Nothing to see here. No video, anyway

If the Chicago cops recently indicted for sexual assault are convicted, they'll face four to 15 years in prison. That's the same sentence Tiawanda Moore is facing for trying to document her frustrations while reporting her own alleged sexual assault: Recording an on-duty police officer in Illinois is a Class 1 felony, the same class of crimes as rape.

[...]

Technically, so long as a person isn't physically interfering with an on-duty police officer, it's legal to record the officer in every state but Massachusetts and Illinois.

This is probably nothing to worry about, and in any case, it's so much easier to pretend that we don't have to

International Energy Agency: "IEA research has confirmed that, at 30.6 gigatonnes last year, carbon emissions are at their highest in history, making a record jump of 1.6Gt in the last decade. The globe now appears to be on track for a temperature rise of around 3.5 degrees Celsius, well beyond the 2 degree limit after which dramatic climate change will take place..." (Bummer... Ed.)

Some angry guy on the radio picking on that nice, clean-cut Mitt Romney: "We’re in the midst here of discovering that this is all a hoax. The last year has established that the whole premise of man-made global warming is a hoax, and we still have presidential candidates that want to buy into it." (Yay!! Ed.)

Never mind all that. Neuticles are so awesome, even Rocky Kardashian uses them. (On her pet... Ed.)
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Literally Unbelievable (cont)

Tennessee Just Made Offensive Online Pictures Illegal - Gizmodo

The law prohibits the online distribution of any image that might "frighten, intimidate or cause emotional distress" to someone who sees it. Which, really, could be virtually anything.

Like Smiff wearing an Elvis costume. Or K-Mad dressed as a chicken. Where does it end?

Carlos Zambrano Has Never Made the Wrong Pitch

Cubs’ Zambrano--clearly insane--apologizes for remarks

CINCINNATI (AP)—Cubs starter Carlos Zambrano has apologized to closer Carlos Marmol for second-guessing how he pitched in Chicago’s most recent loss.

Zambrano criticized Marmol’s approach after a 3-2 loss Sunday at St. Louis. He said Marmol should have thrown Ryan Theriot a fastball rather than a slider, which the former Cubs player hit for a tying double in the ninth inning. Albert Pujols won it with a homer in the 10th.

Zambrano said before Monday night’s game at Cincinnati that he was wrong to criticize Marmol that way. He said he made the remarks out of frustration. Manager Mike Quade also talked to Zambrano and said he won’t be fined.

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I'm sure this is all one big misunderstanding...

Lenny Dykstra Charged With 23 Counts By Los Angeles County

Dykstra is charged with five counts of attempted grand theft auto, eight counts of filing false financial statements, four counts of identity theft, three counts of grand theft auto and three counts of possession of a controlled substance. All are felonies.

In addition, he is charged with one misdemeanor count each of possession of a controlled substance without a prescription and unauthorized possession of a syringe.

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Damn liniency!

Literally unbelievable (cont'd)

Place your Onion-or-real bets before you check this link.

... [C]onsider Neuticles, prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs and cats, at about $1,000 a pair, which, their designers say, help "your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with altering."

Literally unbelievable (cont'd)

Further evidence that the Soviets caved way too easily...

A few weeks ago representatives from a company called FireEye were in the GCN Lab demonstrating their product, which can protect networks from most phishing attacks. An engineer told me a story about a company he knew that would run phishing drills with their employees. They would tell everyone in the company that a phishing scam (created internally for just this purpose) would be delivered at noon the next day. They told them what the scam would attempt to get them to do and what the scam would look like. They told everyone to treat it like a real phishing scam, and to delete or ignore the e-mail. For extra points, they were told they could alert the tech staff about the attack, though this wasn’t required.

Sounds simple, right? According to the engineer telling the story, even with all those precautions, 60 percent of the people in the company still clicked on the e-mail the next day and about 30 percent entered their network passwords into the "hacker site." I can’t help but wonder how many of those same people must touch their red hot stove burner every day just to make sure it’s heating properly.
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It's Literally Unbelievable

http://literallyunbelievable.org/

Drug War Profiteering

Click through for exciting new developments in the war on drugs. Why stop the flow of drugs when we can skim money off the top. Let's get those dealers selling!

End-times Trivial Pursuit

Spent plenty of time hearing about Ragnorok, or something similar, the past couple weeks.

Here was the question I posited in the interwebs and so far the answers just seem to pick apart the question. Perhaps there are two many theoreticals (or too many people convinced they can't be wrong) but I thought it was fun and end-timey, topical in a truly American drive-thru religion type of way. If you die and find that you retain some consciousness - let's say like a spirit. But that your way to eternal life and salvation is denied (due to your religion). If you had the ability to somehow tell your loved ones to convert - would you do so?

The closest I got to an answer I liked was that there are three possible solutions (1) there is no afterlife, (2) there is an afterlife but no ability to communicate about it or (3) there is an afterlife and an ability to communicate about it and all of our ancestors are assholes. That responder said she favored doors No. 1 or 2.

End Times Flowchart

Coz, you know, we don't have long to go...

Handy Flowchart Helps Determine If You'll Die This Weekend - Gizmodo

Hawk Harrelson / Osama bin Laden nexus

File under funny but stooooooopid...

Land of Scaring the Living S#i+ Out of You

ORANGEVILLE-(WREX) A disguised deputy entered Orangeville Jr-Sr High School Friday with a cap gun and fired it around students.

It was all part of a safety drill, but parents are angry and one mother and her son spoke out.

"I started praying to God and saying my last words," said Orangeville High School student Skylar Walters. "I was scared, I didn't know what to do," said

Walters was in gym class last Friday when a man came in with a gun, calling the name of a fellow student.

"Kids were just running everywhere and crying and hiding, ran off school grounds," said Walters. "It was just the scariest thing in my life."

Really slow news day

According to some TV news prog in Florida, dis guy is a hoarder. An e-hoarder to be exact. Perhaps I'm speaking for myself, but dat guy is an amateur. 3,500 emails in his Gmail? The HORROR! I know someone who had 100,000 UNREAD messages. And I'm pretty sure I have 6 computer carcasses in my apartment - it's called wanting to recycle them but not knowing where to go to recycle them and maybe there's a part in there that I may need or maybe some day it will be worth a meeelion dollars because by then a meeelion dollars will be an hourly wage. But certainly not e-hoarding. Now the Packer stuff? Yeah, that's a little nutz.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Terrorist killed by terrorists?

According to ze Germans, ya...

German TV Fail: Star Trek’s Maquis NOT Involved In Bin Laden Mission | TrekMovie.com

"And they also have the ‘Team Six,’ that carried out the mission. They don’t have the skull in their emblem for nothing."

Our culture is so convincing foreign news publishes it as real. I mean, how many Onion stories have been published in newspapers as the real deal? Now a fan made emblem ends up on tee vee? The rest of the world is boned.

Still Fiery!

Ozzie Guillen has been suspended two games and fined an undisclosed amount by MLB for tweeting after his ejection earlier this week.

Guillen was expecting a fine, but he got even more for tweeting "This one going to cost me a lot money this is patetic" and "Today a tough guy show up a yankee stadium" following his ejection by home plate umpire Todd Tichenor. He'll serve the suspension during the first two games of the series against the Orioles, with bench coach Joey Cora taking over as acting manager.

Dis guy jealous of Blago or something?

Or is Blago to blamo for all the insano problemos in Illinoiso?

Quinn wants to withhold cities' money as pressure to borrow billions - chicagotribune.com

Most predictable thing ever: Charlie Sheen bails Lenny Dykstra out of jail

Of course this happened:

Charlie Sheen paid $22,500 to bail former New York Mets and Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Lenny “Nails” Dykstra out of jail, TMZ reported Tuesday.

Nails had been jailed for bankruptcy fraud. When he bailed him out, Sheen said some bullsh** about him being a Vatican assassin and him being a warlock or something. No, I’m not making that up.

If there is any justice in the world, this is the opening act of dramatic road trip with those two which ends with both of them driving off a cliff, “Thelma and Louise”-style. Which would be an absolute insult to Thelma and Louise, each of whom are fictional characters with far more real world worth than either of these two doorknobs have.

Genius, or Stoooooopid?

Use Android's Official Zippo Lighter App to Participate in a Strange, Ancient Concert Ritual

Apple knows what you did last summer

iPhone keeps record of everywhere you go | Technology | guardian.co.uk

Of course the tool they have only seems to work on Macs. But Fungster will work to see if his iOS device has been tracking all of his (il)legal activities...and get right back to ya!

Today is our children learning

Regular-season game #82: Like a war, kind of

Kyle Hightower of the Associated Press just wanted everyone to know that, even in the post-Bush era, the tired practice of writing only "Mission accomplished" for the second paragraph of a news story was alive and well.

He succeeded.