7:42 PM Kevin: they SUCK
jay bruce: unhinged
me: ultimate morons
Fant!
7:43 PM Kevin:
Jay Bruce went 2-for-4 with a home run as the Reds lost to the Phillies on Monday night.
Bruce also scored on an Adam Dunn double. After his first week in the big leagues, Bruce (FANT!) is hitting .577 with three home runs, seven RBI and 12 runs. For comparison's sake, Corey Patterson (AWFUL!) was hitting .200 with four homers, 13 RBI and 21 runs in 45 games before getting demoted.
7:44 PM why didn't ND just go all theway and hire Cookie?
me: did i mention that he's a FANT?
Kevin: no
me: Cookie should have applied...what a dope
7:45 PM Ollie "HE SUCKS" Perez: AWFUL
7:46 PM 6 runs allowed in the 1st TO THE GIANTS and counting.......................
i blame YOU
Kevin: sweet lord
me: Brian "WHO?" Hurwitz homered
7:47 PM Kevin: THE WEEK AHEAD (Jun 1)
The Week Ahead takes a look at Oliver Perez's solid match-ups, which should have him dancing with excitement.
tag under "forecasts"
7:48 PM me: yeah, saw dat. idiots.
Kevin: chix need an OF. know which available OF has most RBIs?
me: he GUONE. 6 runs, 1 out
7:49 PM Whowitz?
Kevin: jason michaels, who is also "slugging" .319
7:50 PM 2nd is a tie: eric bruntlett, who is "slugging> .333 and darin erstad, who is "darin erstad"
me: looking like J-Mike
7:51 PM Kevin: KO bringin it to the radio fascists with blood on thier hands\
me: KO on the radio?
Kevin: no KO's worser dude was a radio fascist
7:52 PM unconscionalbe bladfaced lying from rupert murdoch
baldfaced
7:54 PM
The Miami Herald reports that Josh Willingham (SUCKS) "isn't sounding overly optimistic" about his return from the disabled list. Willingham has been out since late April and has yet to even take batting practice. He also stopped breathing five days ago. The newspaper speculates that he may eventually require surgery to repair a herniated disk and total brain death.
that dont sound so good
7:55 PM me: wouldn't want to be him
7:56 PM Kevin:
Ryan Doumit (SUCKS) caught a full bullpen session and hit off a tee Sunday.
"It felt great," Doumit said. "I feel like I am days away, really. I felt game-ready catching today. There was one pitch I felt that jammed it a little bit but the next pitch, the pain went away and Jesus came and the wheel in the sky turned within another whell and shit like that. So there is not staying power with the pain, and also the total absence of brain function, so that's good."
7:57 PM me: sounds bad
7:58 PM Kevin: kinda
7:59 PM harold ickes -- GARGANTUALLY fullashit with shit coming out of his nose
me: i'd like to see dat
Kevin: its on the tv
ohhhhhh... you missed it
8:00 PM me: she's got more votes based on our count, therefore, she wins
haven't watched KO yet
Kevin: she's won all the states with the vowels and the consonants
8:02 PM bill clinton: irredeemable gasbag
also: unhinged
don't forget: fullashit
8:03 PM me: are you watching the Asshole Channel?
Kevin: msnbc (wid da tarrists)
8:04 PM me: just heard it on ESPN: "Lipscomb eliminated"
Kevin: even gubnor nutsack phinks its over
eliminated from the lipscomb invitational?
8:05 PM me: some baseball sumpfing
8:06 PM Cubs losing to the Padres: can you say June Swoon?
Kevin: the padres are professional hitters
8:07 PM me: yes, AA is professional
8:08 PM Kevin: 6. Elijah Dukes – OF – WAS - If your fantasy team has become complacent, and you want to freak your players out by adding a wild card to the mix, Dukes is just the guy for you. With Austin Kearns on the disabled list, Dukes has a few weeks to prove that he deserves to be a regular in Washington's lineup. So far he's gone 5-for-19 with four runs scored and just one RBI, but Dukes has tremendous talent so it's worth gambling on him.
Recommendation: Worth a flier in shit-blowing-up-only leagues
8:09 PM me: he's also phokking INSANE
Kevin: in udder words a chicken
8:10 PM me: J-Mike hit a granny tonight
Kevin: duck and cover: pedro vs zito tomorrow night
me: end times
8:11 PM shirazez? i got a Jacob's Creek. old skool.
Kevin: phokking merlot
DELICIOUS
8:12 PM me: merlot SUCKS
ESPN reports: Has Ozzie gone too far?
8:13 PM Kevin: i'm saving the BOOM BOOM! washington state syrah for a special occasion, like obama locking it up or the world ending
ozzie could never go too far. the farther he goes, the closer he gets
8:14 PM me: hard to say which of these events will happen first
Hillary: "It ain't over till it's over."
Kevin: well we all remember rfk was assassinated in june
8:15 PM hint hint HIIIIIIIINT
8:16 PM me: Edmonds: RBI DOUBLE. Proven: VETERAN.
8:18 PM Big Z: RBI TRIPLE. Crazy: MAN.
Kevin: it would be delightful if the chix could pick edmonds up but he is shockingly not available
8:19 PM me: shocking
8:20 PM Kevin:
Manager Bruce Bochy said Saturday it might be a couple weeks before Merkin Valdez rejoins the Giants, as he'll need to make a few rehab appearances. Valdez is on the DL with SUCKS and is only one year removed from Tommy John surgery. Any soreness could mean a setback, as the Giants should play it safe with him. He also died yesterday.
8:21 PM me: RIP
8:23 PM John McCain: Phil Gramm: FUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAASSSSSHHHHHIIITTTTTTTTTTTT
Kevin: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
looking into phil gramm's eyes is like looking into the eyes of a chicken
8:24 PM hearing him talk is like hearing the gurgling of the primoridal oooze
me: well, he is a plutocrat and a lobbyist
8:25 PM Kevin: pretty good life for a man who was born with an empty cranium (except for the squirrel pellets)
me: yes
8:26 PM Kevin: gary bauer - gigantic moron
8:27 PM brains of a ferret... a really stupid one
me: Hillary: another lopsided win, ahead in the popular vote, slightly behind in delegates...
Kevin: she won all the states with the stuff that is good
she won the most votes -- do you believe in democracy or not?
8:28 PM me: guns, squirrels, racists...
Kevin: harold ickes, for one, is stunned, that we have the gall and the HOOOOTZPAH to subsitute their judgment for those of the voters
he also has shit dripping out of his ears
kinda gross
8:29 PM scott mclellan on hardball next
me: isn't he one of the @holes who set the system up?
Kevin: see also: shit blowing up (still) (thanks scott)
ikkies? yest
8:30 PM me: Travis Buck: .165 - now batting 5th for da Cherries (see: SUCKING)
Kevin: scott feels bad now. see also: shit blowing up for another 20 yrs or so followed by the world ending and shit. but its ok cuz he changed his mind
8:31 PM me: 20 more years of this CRAP?
Kevin: if yer lucky commie
trabbis SUCKDS
SUCKS
shirazez
brainzzz go bang-byew
bye
me: your pick, not mine
Kevin: thanks
8:32 PM i had forgotten
me: speaking of empty craniums...
Kevin: speaking of elbows going bang-bye
SHOCKING news on mark prior condition
8:33 PM me: yeah, i mean, he's still leading in the popular vote
Kevin: yes
he's had all the big arm injuries
8:34 PM scott: the rezzidunce is very moved on days like this
me: ALL of them
Kevin: yes
8:35 PM me: very moved...his bowels?
Kevin: out his ears
8:36 PM da rezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzidunce loves da peoples
he woont wanna blow em all up an shit
me: yes, he loves them to death
Kevin: yers
yues
yes
me: zzzzzzzzzzz
8:37 PM Kevin: possibly
me: up for LA: Danny Ardoin: French Phokk
Kevin: no question
8:38 PM i keep forgetting that we already accomplished our mission... good to get that reminder now and again
oh and we were greeted as libraaaaators
me: breaking news: Ollie Perez has been inhumanely destroyed in the clubouse
Kevin: clubbed like a baby seal?
8:39 PM me: too good for him
8:40 PM Kevin: scott: still a shitball. and i aint buying his book
see also: yooooge piles of dead people
he sees them
8:41 PM me: McBush III?
Kevin: i'm telling you right now godfuckingdammit... buffalo grove kollyforniya phokking merlot... write it down, commit it to memory AND PRINT IT
8:42 PM saddam is about to attack us (see also:mushroom cloud) and condi: slso fullashit
me: how many bottles have you had?
Kevin: he will hurl mushroom clouds from the grave
7
8:43 PM it's good for your heart and shit
saddam was a bad man
8:44 PM me: not a wine drinker, Saddam? he's kinda dead
Kevin: chix still dont have an outfielder
i've been sitting here two hours looking for one
sweet lord...
me: So?
Kevin: good point DICK
8:45 PM me: here to help
i mean...So...TagOOOOOOOCHEEEE
8:46 PM Kevin: thanks... it's all so clear now
i dont know which i like more, the 559 ops or the decapitating ceiling
8:47 PM me: Chris Snelling activated today...
Kevin: i should mention -- the ceiling would decapitate a midget
SCHNELLLLing?
me: si, senor
8:48 PM Kevin: Our View
Based on Snelling's history, the over/under on his return to the DL is 15 days.
sounds like a chixxxzzzz
replaces tj "rhymes with" bone
me: yesxz
8:49 PM Kevin: white house iraq group - WHIG - get used to it
will go down in history with other great war criminals
8:50 PM me: YAY!
Kevin: yes! we are blowing shit up! regardless of where the shit lands, how can that be bad?
8:51 PM cia hates scooter and dick dick dick dick dick... when will we capture and kill them?
dissent is communism
8:52 PM communism is bad btw...
:-)
8:53 PM his name is SCOOOTER for phokks sake? how can he be the bad guy? wake up america!
8:54 PM the flying nun has kids and takes a boner pill,,, now i know i'm losing it...
8:55 PM boniva? sounds degenerate
me: a nun with a boner?????
Kevin: and KIDS! god is angry my friends...
8:57 PM me: our best senator, Robert Byrd, in da hospital
Kevin: cant be good since he is 125 years old
8:58 PM alright alright ALRIGHT... da boom boom is delicious... but i still prefer the phokking merlot
8:59 PM i would hate to think we will never have senator byrd go up against ted stevens in another coot-off
me: opened boom boom? end of the world later tonight?
Kevin: so it would seem
dont say you wuzznt warned
9:00 PM heres a good name for a book by a republican: whu happen????
duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
9:01 PM me: vol 2: Shit Blowing Up
Kevin: vol.3 - we hatesez them (cont'd)
me: Rupert Murdoch: also a pirate
9:02 PM Kevin: vol.4 we are in shackles in a dark dank dungeon
vol.5 we love dick dick dick dick dick dick dick cheney!
me: this just in: Padres still SUCK
Kevin: veteran presence
6 minutes
9:09 PM me: DICK makes an incest joke about West Virginia? must be HIGH-LARRY-US
5 minutes
9:14 PM Kevin: herro?
9:15 PM bows of horry?
farararararararara?
shirazaez?
9:16 PM i can haz yet annudder cheezburger?
9:17 PM me: dude, how many times i gotta tell ya: Hillary has the most votes!
Kevin: mlsmith65@gmail.com is offline and can't receive messages right now.
Kevin: i phink so! i betcha da bitter white incest voters had en espatial affinity ta dis one
mlsmith65@gmail.com is offline and can't receive messages right now.
Sent at 11:10 PM on Monday
my phokking ASS
war kittens?
me: not offline - someone is FULLASHIT
9:18 PM Kevin: i like television. it amuses me
see also: da brain deadness
and: chix suck
9:19 PM me: tv: internets: wine: brain deadness: chix sucking: you are set
Kevin: phanks... everyding is right wif da whirld
9:20 PM in dat case i can go to sleep now and have yet anuudder cheezburger
me: Bill Clinton called a reporter sleezy and dishonest
see: pot: kettle
Kevin: yes and he should know... he sets the standard
see: tea receptacle
9:21 PM and the kicker is: we're all dead (soon)
me: YAY
Kevin: i phink so
me: we won't have to go to fucking ALA
9:22 PM Kevin: dat wud be totally kickass
YAY
i will sleep well knowing that we are all dead before ALA
me: we can still dream, right?
9:23 PM Kevin: dat wud take da heat off da chix finding an outfielder too
our dreams are our most precious resources (not)
me: will Harold Ickes be dead, too?
9:24 PM Kevin: i guarantee it
me: YAY
Kevin: ickys? iew...
9:25 PM me: Edmonds: anudder rbi double, cont. to stuff it up the Padres' ASS
Kevin: in da afterlife, everyone will be totally phokking sorry goddamit'
9:26 PM phokk dem
okarie-dokarie... i am off to dream of bors of horry...
9:27 PM zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
me: fararararazzz
Kevin: yes
[Dick's "joke": "There are Cheneys on both sides of the family, and we don't even live in West Virginia. (...laughs at self...) You can say those things when you're not running for re-election. (...laughs again...)
Nope, the Cheneys are from Wyoming - where they fuck cows.]
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