It's Hot Stove Heater Time! And at Lattice of Coincidence, that means taking a look back at the freak show that is KMad's hatred of pitchers and all they stand for. He would kill one the way a storm trooper would kill an ewok. The way that Tom Cruise would a psychiatrist. The way that Dick Cheney would an innocent sleepy infant suckling at her mother's breast.
Here is a list compiled of Deceased KMad pitchers (an * means they are or were also members of the Blue Ward Cyclones Baseball Collective of Brooklyn, New York).
1. Taylor Buchholtz
2. Cole Hamels (*)(?); Ryan Madsen (?); Brad Lidge (?) - Smiff was raving in the post and not quite clear
3. Eric Bedard (killed very dead)
4. Eric Hurley
5. Manny Acosta
6. Brett Myers (*)
7. Pat Misch
8. Will Ledezma
9. Ross Ohlendorf
10. John Bale
11. Joey Devine
12. Al Reyes
13. Phil Hughes (*)(doomed)
14. Ian Kennedy (like a deer on train tracks with a broken leg)
15. Geremi Gonzalez (struck by lighting, actually dead.)
16. Andrew Miller
17. Justin Dusherer
18. Pedro Martinez
19. Carlos Carrasco
20. Greg Miller (*)
21. Micha Owings
22. Manny Corpus (*)
23. Scott Olsen
24. Zach Duke
25. Josh Johnson
26. Andy Pettite
27. Juan Cruz (*)
Those classified as Soon To Be Deceased, in which KMad is still stirring the pot of his hatred (some of the above were originally listed with this designation)
1. Johann Santana
2. Eri Yoshida (she's 16, she's beautiful and she's KMad's...next meal!)
3. Andrew Cashner
4. Clayton Kershaw (*)
5. Felix Hernandez (*)
6. Joakim Soria (1/2* - was offered to the Cyclones for Danny Graves - whoops)
5 comments:
If you have a name that sounds like corpse and were owned by both K-Mad and Joe Charbonneau and only find yourself at #22 on the list - that's phokking scary.
A word to the wise: back away slowly from Edinson Volquez, acquired by the Smelts in the offseason. I have something special in mind for him.
K-Mad works in killing pitchers the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It is his true medium; a master.
In related news:
Andrew Miller had an additional shockwave treatment on his troublesome right knee last month.
Miller spent six weeks on the DL last season with patella tendinitis, and it sounds like the issue has yet to go away. It's another good reason for the Marlins to bring in a starting pitcher to compete for a job. As is, they have Miller penciled into the rotation.
That's so me.
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