K-Mad, Smiff breaking it all down for you...

9:04 PM me: did you watch 60 Minutes this week? anudder doomsday: crop extinction
none of this will matter after the bees and seeds disappear
Kevin: dang i missed it
9:05 PM none of it will matter after the asteroid impact / yellowstone caldera eruption / mccain victory in november
me: especially the latter.
9:06 PM Kevin: or if i draft prior, setting off the Rapture
me: you can watch segments on the CBS website
stay from prior - this is your only warning
Kevin: ok, but only if it's really gloomy
9:07 PM me: we've lost 86% of apple varieties since the 1800s
that's 5800 of 'em
Kevin: what have apples ever done for us anyway?
9:08 PM me: uh, well, we do eat them
anyway, there's a seed repository in Svalbard. Svalbard, dammit!
Kevin: we could eat polar bears too but nobody gives a shit about dem -- dere, i've run rings round ya logically
9:10 PM me: well, vegetarian know-it-alls can't eat polar bears. besides, there are only about 30, 35 of them left
Kevin: my boy dick clarke is on frontline in a hectoring, tendentious anti-bush diatribe
if obama is as smart as i think he is, that's your next VP
me: i'm taping dat Frontline
9:11 PM Kevin: it will make you frow your television out da window
me: apparently, BushCo made a couple mistakes, huh?
Kevin: mistakes were made
9:12 PM the new dick clarke
now with more hectoring
me: i do love hectoring
Kevin: see? we all do. he'd be a great vp
9:13 PM an amazing tapestry of lies
9:14 PM if there was a nobel prize for lying, this guys would deserve to win it for the next 100 years pre-emptively (irony not intended)
9:16 PM me: also on 60 Minutes: dey may have found the box dat Jesus' brother James' (dead) bones were put in
9:19 PM Kevin: well if dey get dna dey can recreate him an ask him whut really happened
9:20 PM wolfie etc -- it's as if they were unaware that the future would come and everyone would find out they were fullashit
do they not understand the crushing linear trajectory of time?
me: i pfink dats just a side effect from being filthy rich
9:21 PM Kevin: that might be the most plausible explanation available
9:25 PM me: 3rd story: David Beckham!!
Kevin: finally -- something interesting
9:26 PM me: he talks funny - is dat english?
9:27 PM he was injured most of the year - did you draft him?
9:28 PM Kevin: his prollems are not my fault
but even if they were, he knew da risks
never mind the world ending and shit -- i would like to know more about his life
9:29 PM me: he's very very rich
Kevin: now THAT'S interesting to me
9:33 PM me: he has 15 tattoos
that's how he expresses his feelings
Kevin: dat is so phokkin cool
9:35 PM me: his three sons are named---are you sitting down?--Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz (sp?) i must have heard this wrong
Kevin: get the PHOKK out! that is really incredible
9:37 PM me: now Andy Rooney is bitching about doctors
Kevin: sorta puts the bees disappearing into perspective don't it?
maybe now you'll quit yer whinin
9:42 PM me: did Bush catch Osama yet on dat america hating show you're watching?
Kevin: dey probally cut dat part out just outta dere deep hatred of america
9:43 PM me: so we actually win the war?
Kevin: duh!
9:44 PM we are americans!
USA! USA! USA!
9:45 PM dat happened a coupla years after mccain got elected. dont you remember?!@?!?
me: i must have been reading boxscores
Kevin: dats ok
9:47 PM me: Cheney thought he had United 93 shot down? i bet he cried when he found out he wasn't responsible
9:48 PM Kevin: he has many other corpses to feed on
9:49 PM me: aaaahhhhhh....all is revealed...Saddam did it!
9:53 PM Kevin: now you're getting it. a little late to save your soul but better late than never
9:54 PM me: weren't most of the terrists from Saudi Arabia? why didn't we attack them?
Kevin: cuz pappy bush holds hands wid dem an shit
9:55 PM me: oh, well, rich phokks does trump everyting
9:56 PM Kevin: its so easy once you get on dere wavelengf
9:59 PM me: Tommy Franks: 15 cups of coffee a day - your new boy?
Kevin: guess dat would explain why we bof like ta blow shit up
but you wont believe
i'm down ta free cups a day
10:00 PM me: are dese cups the size of pails?
10:01 PM Kevin: this is no time for splitting hairs
10:03 PM besides there is no agreed-upon definition of how large a pail really is
10:05 PM me: ok, a three gallon pail den
10:06 PM Kevin: so? it's still progress\
me: sorta like da surge
10:10 PM Kevin: i have one last opportunity to end many baseball careers this weekend
10:11 PM me: good luck!
Kevin: i'm taking bribes if theres anyone you want me to avoid
10:12 PM me: Cole Hamels...STAY AWAY
10:13 PM Kevin: dang -- he's already a brawler
10:14 PM me: maybe there is a God...
Ian Snell?
Kevin: he will be missed
10:16 PM me: pinot?
10:17 PM Kevin: sure!
me: putting Rummy in charge...woops!
18 minutes
10:36 PM me: Maybin demoted...thanks a lot
10:37 PM Kevin: still breathing?
me: i think so...for now
10:38 PM Kevin: lucky!
me: shouldn't you, like, be passed out?
Kevin: i'm working on it
me: vino?
10:39 PM Kevin: yellow tail shiraz -- less dan six bucks a bottle at dominicks
10:41 PM me: at least you're not drinking alone...i got a J. Lohr Monterey Valdiguie
Kevin: a whu? sounds fancy
10:42 PM won't matter after the bees / volcano / asteroid impact / rotator cuff / shit blowing up / mccain getting elected though
me: Yes.
10:43 PM Kevin: i forgot also: great depression
6 minutes
10:49 PM me: Before Monday's game, Manager Joe Maddon announced that Chad Orvella (RHP, TAM) would probably start the year on the DL with shoulder issues. After posting a 3.20 ERA in 50 IP in 2005, Orvella was a prime candidate for the closer's job in Tampa. But over the next two years, he put up an 8.81 ERA in 24 IP. That's not to say that he doesn't have skills - he had a 12.8 Dom at AAA in 2006, and a 9.2 Dom with 20 saves at AAA in 2007. But until he reduces his Ctl (8.8 the past two years) at the major league level, he's not likely to find success...see also: K-Mad
10:51 PM Kevin: what can i do to discourage him?
7 minutes
10:59 PM me: Tommy Franks also likes margaritas
11:00 PM Kevin: he also loves america
6 minutes
11:06 PM me: Richard Perle: Amoral Piece of Shit
11:07 PM Kevin: and the kicker is: we're all dead
me: "The people are just so friendly, so respectful. We could learn a lot from them as far as how to treat each other."--A's second baseman Mark Ellis, on his team's trip to Japan to open the 2008 campaign against the Red Sox.
11:09 PM Kevin: see: shit blowing up
me: "I don't read books."--Jonathan Papelbon
11:13 PM "Every time we don't play good, I let them know right away. That's how we're going to do it this year. I don't like how they play the last couple of games, and I say it in the paper, and then I have a meeting."--White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, on his managerial style.
Kevin: thats it! rip the motherfuckers!
11:18 PM me: HYOOOGE ASSHOLE William "The Bloody" Kristol shows up...
Kevin: it's an asshole parade. with curveball as the clown
14 minutes
11:32 PM me: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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